quote: May tried rolling over, rearranging the blankets, smothering herself in their warm comfort. It didn't help.
She looked at the lit candle next to her bed. Perhaps it was the light keeping her awake? Leaning to blow it out, May changed her mind. The darkness that would come was too scary. It would hide the world away, and whatever things that might choose to visit her wouldn't be noticed until it was too late.
I'm being absurd, she realized. Nothing's going to happen to me. I've escaped Jijan and its bad luck. That city will torment me no more. Here in Yithmen I'm safe. Nothing to worry about at all, even though it is the anniversary...
Something cracked outside. May jerked violently, almost knocking over the candle with her abrupt movement. Breathing heavily, she listened for another noise. None came.
Forcing herself to relax, May adjusted her blankets again and tried to clean her mind of all thoughts. Yet, much as she tried to suppress her mind, she couldn't stop the image of her dead mother from surfacing. And for the just briefest second she could smell the rot that came with death.
I'm looking for readers for the first 1800 words in particular -- I want to know if my story has a gripping start, one that grabs your imagination in a deathlock -- a lock that won't be broken until you've read the whole thing when it gets published ^^.
Also, I'd love any thoughts on the 13 first lines. This is an excerpt from a fantasy novel.
posted
I didn't like the first few paragraphs. Too much explaining going on. I don't know a thing about Jijan or Yethmen so there is no reason to bring them up until after you get me hooked. The action doesn't really start until the 4th paragraph.
I would recommend starting with the image of her dead mother and the smell of death disturbing her sleep - move on to the action (noise outside) and them maybe, once the reader is hooked on what's happening to the character, start giving background.
posted
Given the history of this story (i.e., how many times you've rewritten the beginning), I'm hesitant to say that it needs to be rewritten again. And, if you take to heart what Survivor wrote the last time, you've still started your story in the wrong place, imo.
Take us to the exact moment of her mother's death, or May discovering said death, or the immediate minutes following that death and her reaction to it. Anywhere else won't feel right, I think. You can start with death and then easily jump forward to the anniversary after a few paragraphs...
For example (taking much creative license):
Jihan has brought only bad luck and death.
A howl of anguish exploded from May as she cradled the lifeless body, tears streaming from her swollen eyes. Silently, she swore to avenge her mother's death.
She blamed herself for not preventing it, for not being there; her brother's sword, sheathed, the hilt painfully pressing into her ribcage, useless.
No, May blamed Jihan. This cursed place, responsible for the deaths of her brothers and father, had finally taken the last of her family. She knew she must leave this city to save her own life and it would have to be soon.
***
(I seem to recall there were other deaths in previous versions... am I wrong?)
You can do what you like, but starting it a year later seems off. You don't have to dwell very long on this scene... just long enough to show what happened, and then you can fast foward to a year later.
posted
The only bit I found awkward in the first 13 was the section on May's thoughts - it just felt like you were starting to fill in information - I've escaped Jijan etc.
If you want to send on the opening, I'd be happy to take a look.
posted
Actually, this looks fine to me. Most of the problem I had with the other version is that it didn't start in a particular time and place. This one does.
My actual biggest problem was that I would prefer a more intent-descriptive word like "flinched/started/shied" rather than "jerked" to describe May's reaction to the noise outside. That's a very small problem to be the biggest.
I was also thrown a bit by the whole candle thing. Hiding in the light from things in the dark is an attitude I tend to associate with sheltered children that have never known real danger. But that doesn't take into account normal human psychology. Humans are typically scared of darkness, and take comfort in light. Experience really has nothing to do with the emotional reaction. So that adds up to two nits, one not very important and the other something that isn't even a problem on reflection.
Anyway, I probably already offered to read the rewrite when you got it, and 1800 words is quite light. So I'm in.
posted
The Fantastic Four, I shall you call. For you are kind and benevolent; clean of heart, and soul. Consider the letter to your emails sent (1 minute after typing this post, that is.)
posted
I'm going to say something different: do not begin the story with death. We just started reading it. We don't know these people, and we don't care about them the tiniest bit. You must intrigue us, pique our curiosity. This is a fantasy story, yes? As readers of fantasy, we want to be invited into an enchanting fantasy world, and we want to receive that invitation quickly. Once there, the more we learn of it, the more sympathy and investment we make in it. After that, you will have earned our sympathy.
The death of a character at the beginning is a wonderful device to set the plot in motion, but the dead person needs to have distance from the protagonist. It is simply too early to feel anything for the protagonist right at the beginning. I'll give you an example: In the movie Star Wars, the deaths of Luke's aunt and uncle do not occur until we have a chance to meet Luke, see him in the surroundings of his fantastic world, understand his situation, and, hopefully, like him. Only after that can his aunt and uncle die and we feel sympathy with him. Not that it takes very much time to do all of this, but it must be done.
It is only my opinion, but I do not feel it is a good idea to begin a story with intensely wrought reactions to the death of a character that is very close to the viewpoint character. It's like having a friend who shares too much personal information with you and you can't get away from them fast enough.
Having said all that, let me say this one last thing: your story seems promising, and I would be willing to read the whole of it if you'd like to send it.
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