posted
With NaNoWriMo ongoing, this may not be the best of times to post this, but I wanted to get some feedback before it ends, if possible. This is fairly near future scifi, wordcount @2900. It deals with the ramifications of genetic engineering in popular culture. If anybody wants a further look, I'd love your feedback.
"I am the champion." The ritual means less now than it did before the new leagues. I have raised my arms, holding the belt in the air, and proclaimed this to a cheering or booing crowd twelve times. No one remains who doubts that it belongs to me.
The arena is packed with spectators, but it is so much smaller than the first arena in which I held up the belt that, even as I lower it and fasten it around my waist, this victory feels almost like a defeat. I hug Carlos, for whom victory tonight would have brightened a brilliant and accomplished career, undimmed by how little the title now means. I whisper something to him about how tough a match he fought. No one really expected him to win, probably not even himself.
[This message has been edited by Minister (edited November 06, 2004).]
posted
Just a couple of comments. It opens up with what could be a WWF kind of match (of which I am personnally not a fan). I am interested in the subject matter you talked about though and would love to take a look at it. Keep in mind though, your opening alone, though well written, wouldn't have attracted me to this story.
I would have "I am the champion." on its own line. It would stand out better, I think. I had to read the first two sentences a couple of times.
Quote: The arena is packed with spectators, but it is so much smaller than the first arena in which I held up the belt that, even as I lower it and fasten it around my waist, this victory feels almost like a defeat.
This sentence seems a little long. I'd break it up a bit. Something like "The arena is packed with spectators. It is so much smaller than the first tournament's arena that, even as I fasten the belt around my waste, the victory feels like a defeat." Not much of a difference, but hopefully you see what I'm getting at.
Send it along and I'll take a look. I should get it back to you in a couple of days (I have a few other stories from this site that I'm reading right now).
posted
I like the idea, but you need to shorten or reconstruct your sentences. I'd be happy to read more, if you're looking for readers.
<"I have raised my arms, holding the belt in the air, and proclaimed this to a cheering or booing crowd twelve times.">
Using "raise" as the verb puts the focus on the raising rather than the proclaiming, which seems to dilute the impact of the sentence. <"cheering or booing"> also dilutes the impact of the sentence. Perhaps breaking this sentence into two sentences would help.
<"The arena is packed with spectators, but it is so much smaller than the first arena in which I held up the belt that, even as I lower it and fasten it around my waist, this victory feels almost like a defeat.">
Too long. Interesting point about the way the human mind works: readers of the English language read by unconsciously memorizing words. We memorize 10-12 words in short term memory until we get a complete idea. Then the idea is dumped into long-term memory, the short-term is cleared, and we start over again. We get a complete idea when we read a subject-verb pair. When we go more than a 8 or so words without seeing a subject (or between a subject and verb), we start reflexively skimming the text to try to preserve limited space in our short-term memory. All this to say that you should break this into two sentences to preserve the power of the message. You don't want to encourage readers to skim on the first page.
<"I hug Carlos, for whom victory tonight would have brightened a brilliant and accomplished career, undimmed by how little the title now means.">
posted
Thanks for the helpful points, guys. I'll send the rest of the story right off. Looks like I have some sentence restructuring to do.
By the way, Braddock, it's not WWF, which I personally really dislike. What has been known as amateur wrestling (freestyle/Greco Roman/folkstyle) now has its first professional league. It starts broadcasting on PAX after the end of football season, I think. If I've heard right, guys like Rulon Gardner and Cael Sanderson (of olympic fame) will participate. Since I'm going far enough into the future for genetic engineering to be a reality, I decided to posit that wrestling has regained the worldwide prominence that it held in ages past. I could have used boxing, or almost any competitive sport, but since I know and enjoy wrestling most, here it is. Thanks for commenting and reading.
posted
Well, I'd rather you read it for the second reason than the first. Either way, though, I'll send it over when I get back on my home computer. Thanks for reading.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
This is hard to read--it doesn't flow easily, like it's been overworked. I don't know if that's the case here, but, to me it reads like you've done a lot of cutting & pasting of various phrases and changed or replaced a lot of words.
When my own writing reaches that point, what I do is write it all over again without referencing the original text. I don't mean rewrite your whole story, just the parts that got bogged down. This helps me start anew with something that has a smoother, fresher narrative flow.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited November 16, 2004).]
posted
Thanks, MB. I did condense that quite a bit from my original opening. It looks like I may be doing that with the whole story. I've already gone back and tried writing it from the antagonist's perspective, but that didn't seem to help anything -- just seemed like it made it harder for readers to identify with my central tension.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Either way, though, I'll send it over when I get back on my home computer. Thanks for reading.
