posted
I fiddled with the opening a bit. Perhaps not really that much of an improvement. Any takers?
Warning, I keep it clean, but the viewpoint character is not supposed to be likable.
Genre: Fantasy, maybe light sci-fi. Word Count: 4958 A short story loosely based on characters from a Midsummer's Night Dream. ------------------------------------------------ Carl consumed her with his eyes. Earlier he dared touch Diane’s silky hand. And she withdrew; the dance of the hunter and his prey. She leaned against the wooden rail and admired the city lights across the river. A summer wind stirred her golden hair, tempting him. I will have you before the night is done.
“You see that building?” Carl asked, pointing out one of the skyscrapers. “That’s mine.”
“Yeah? Well, I own the taller one next to it,” Diane said. In reality, she scraped by in a humble bakery, where over the years Carl built up an acquaintance with her. Of course, he could buy whole bakery chains if he wanted. But though there were many bakeries, there was only one Diane.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 12, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 12, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 14, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 15, 2004).]
posted
I think this is an improvement, though I don't see why it has to be broken into small paragraphs, except for the dialogue. I love Diane's reply--really funny. Also, I think you've communicated Carl's nature much more effectively. Bravo.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Ditto to what MB had to say. I just have one tiny quible about word choice. "Swayed" presents an odd image of the action of wind on hair (unless the hair is braided and the breeze is pretty strong), and I think it doesn't normally take an object. Perhaps "stirred" would give a clearer picture. Another option would be something to the effect of "Her golden braids swayed in the wind." Another comment, even more rooted in opinion, is that "small" and "humble" seem a little repetitive in regard to a bakery -- humble pretty much conveys the idea of smallness.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Sometimes I miss these things until they are pointed out. I guess I see in my mind the scene itself, because I 'wrote' it, but can't see the words that are on actaully on the page.
If anyone wants to tackle the whole thing, thier more than welcome. It's about 5000 words.
posted
I can't promise a really deep critique (lot going on right now), but I'll take a look and give you my impressions if you don't mind waiting a few days to get them.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
So far, it's a bit heavy-handed for my personal tastes--thus, I'm not the best judge for this type of story.
One thing I noticed was that the first line of the second paragraph felt like a POV violation. It probably wasn't, in the loosest sense, but it did distract me slightly. How does he know that she was 'admiring' the buildings?
posted
<One thing I noticed was that the first line of the second paragraph felt like a POV violation. It probably wasn't, in the loosest sense, but it did distract me slightly. How does he know that she was 'admiring' the buildings?>
Rahl22,
I can see where your coming from on this. I was hoping to convey that the viewpoint character could see this on her face, or that at least, that's the way he interprets it.
First, I'd like to get a consensus on it. Does this border on POV voliation? If so I'll change admire with 'gaze at'.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 15, 2004).]
posted
Since Carl's the POV character, all you need to do is ask yourself how he would perceive what he sees Diane doing.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Also, I think you've communicated Carl's nature much more effectively. Bravo.
