posted
Hi I have never posted anything here before but I guess the best way to get wet is to jump in.
Here is the opening lines from a short story I wrote. Let me know if you'd like to read the complete text. Approx 2000 words. *** Detectives Green and Mendoza pushed their way through the apartment door and the milling police, and approached a crouching woman. The woman prodded a small bloody corpse on the floor. Barbara Miller, the medical examiner. “What’cha got for us?” asked the older of the detectives. The woman middle aged with graying red hair peered up at them. “You don’t want to know.” “Know what?” Mendoza asked. Green looked down at the tiny body. “Ah cripes, it’s kid,” he said. The lady shook her head. “No it is not a kid. I have been a medical examiner for twenty years and I have never seen anyone like this.” Mendoza wrinkled his nose. “Is it a midget? Dwarf? Something like that?” “I don’t know,” she said. “Look here at the face, fully featured, non-deformed and proportional, with a full beard and shaven upper lip. His head and body are perfectly proportioned but-“ “But he is about one foot tall.” Mendoza said.
<Detectives Green and Mendoza pushed their way through the apartment door and the milling police,>
I like the style, but it seems like it should come in the other order--police then door.
<The woman prodded a small bloody corpse on the floor. Barbara Miller, the medical examiner.>
This is your first serious problem. Fortunately, its easy to solve. Its ambiguous--you can't tell whether Barbara Miller is the small bloody corpse on the floor or the woman prodding it. I would elimate the sentence fragment in favor of a clearer introduction
Also, "prodding" seems like and odd and purposeless thing for a medical examiner to do to a body.
<“What’cha got for us?” asked the older of the detectives>
Which one is older? Am I supposed to entertain myself by guessing who spoke?
<"Know what?” Mendoza asked. Green looked down at the tiny body. “Ah cripes, it’s kid,” he said.>
Who said the second thing? Mendoza? Or Green? I surely don't know.
Amibguity of meaning is the most persistent problem I see here. The idea is interesting. The characters seem pleasantly cliched, I'll assume deliberately so unless you say otherwise.
Other than that, welcome to Hatrack.
[This message has been edited by J (edited December 14, 2004).]
posted
You also have a serious POV problem. I see a one foot high human-shaped object lying immobile on the floor, and it will take a hell of a lot of convincing before I'll believe it was ever alive. A "small bloody corpse" is still a lot bigger than one foot. Even a newborn infant would be larger.
Anyway, you don't establish POV at all. You also use a lot of ambiguous terms. The question of whether Barbara was the woman or the corpse was answered for me by the title, but it was a pretty unclear construct anyway. The first one that tripped me was "the older of the detectives." How the heck are we supposed to know which one was older?
Then you mention the "woman middle aged with graying red hair", which could mean the corpse, the ME, or someone else. Besides which, the phrasing of it is so weird and distracting that I thought the next line of dialogue was the answer to my unspoken question, "What is that even supposed to mean?"
Anyway, now I'm just repeating what J already said, so I should leave it at that. The main points that J didn't make were that a one foot tall humaniform shape lying on the ground doesn't look anything like a human, and that you don't establish any POV at all.
posted
Concerning the corpse size I have rewritten it to about 18 inches. The detectives will discover later on that they have found a murdered gnome. They do not even know gnomes exist. Considering POV In this story I am trying to remain strictly third person, vary rarely ever entering anyone's thought processes deeply. Telling the story from the point of view of a quiet observer, I know this is not the greatest POV to attempt but I wanted a TV feel to the story. If you have suggestions on how I could improve the POV I would like to hear them.
the rewrite: Detectives Green and Mendoza pushed their way through the milling police, past the apartment door, and approached Barbara Miller, the medical examiner. She was examining a small bloody corpse on the floor. “What’cha got for us?” asked Green . Miller peered up at them. “You don’t want to know.” “Know what?” Mendoza asked. Green looked down at the tiny body. “Ah cripes, it’s a kid,” he said. The lady shook her head. “No, it is not a kid. I have been a medical examiner for twenty years and I have never seen anyone like this.” Mendoza wrinkled his nose. “Is it a midget? Dwarf? Something like that?” “I don’t know, at first I thought it was some sick prank. A doll or something.” she said. “But look here at the face, fully featured, non-deformed and proportional, with a full beard and shaven upper lip. His head and body are perfectly proportioned but-“ “But he is about a foot and a half tall.” Mendoza said.
posted
I would have to read more not to make more than a passing judgement on this, but unfortunately I'll be offline until Monday next week at the earliest.
You have presented an interesting idea, with an obvious hook. However, for me to want to read me, I would personally need to know something about their characters. Give me that human/gnomic element to draw me in and I'll read the whole darn thing.
To try to portray this without knowing what someone is thinking is hard, because I want to know just how one of these characters is really reacting to this. Most of us are too self-conscious to really express what we think. Of course, that is not to say you cannot make it work; just be aware of the consequences for your choice. You have a difficult path to walk...
posted
Ok I see your point. What I had written is "talking heads" stuff so I have rewritten with your suggestions:
Detectives Green and Mendoza pushed their way through the milling police and past the apartment door, and approached Barbara Miller, the medical examiner. She was examining a small bloody corpse on the floor. “What’cha got for us?” asked Green. He tried sounding upbeat but he felt tired, achy, and old. It’s the job, he thought. It’s wearing me down. Miller peered up at them. “You don’t want to know.” “Know what?” Mendoza asked. Green didn’t want to look, he wanted to go home but he looked at the tiny body anyway. “Ah cripes, it’s a kid,” he said. The lady shook her head. “No. Look closer. It is not a kid. I have been a medical examiner for twenty years and I have never seen anyone like this.” Great, Green thought. What have I just stepped in. Mendoza wrinkled his nose. “Is it a midget? Dwarf? Something like that?” “I don’t know, at first I thought it was some sick prank. A doll or something.” she said. “But look here at the face, it’s real. Flesh not plastic, face fully featured, non-deformed and proportional, a full beard, shaven upper lip, reddish blond hair, blue eyes, good teeth, a slight receding hairline but-“ “But he's only a foot and a half tall.” Mendoza said.
[This message has been edited by JBSkaggs (edited December 15, 2004).]
posted
I think that 18" is still too small, but whatever.
The thing is, there is still no way anyone could mistake it for a kid or even a baby, not if the head is in proportion with the body. You should probably remove the word "corpse" from the opening entirely until after the ME explains that it really is a corpse.
The POV is a bit better. But you seem to have just gone back and inserted POV comments into the existing text. Not that it doesn't work, it does. But your first paragraph is still out of POV, because your first line isn't in POV. Make Green the subject, make Mendoza the object, and perhaps provide a verb or adverb that is a bit POVish, if that means anything.
"Detective Green [adverb?] followed Mendoza through...." Put in an adverb that describes the subject's mood (wearily?) more than the verb's mode and it will be very POVish (you like that word? I make it myself!). Make sure that you recast sentances in terms of what Green can observe, "Green spotted Barbara, the ME, kneeling over a small pool of blood." And so on.
Remember, you aren't really saving yourself any work by not rewriting. True, sometimes you want to just leave a note as to how you're going to change the text later, but when you change the text you should change it.
posted
I cannot see the individual trees for the forest. I have two misunderstandings. One is POV, I do not understand the application. The explanation is simple but the application is difficult.
Two I might be misunderstanding the term rewrite. I thought it meant it correct grammer and clarify meaning of the text I had already written. But I gather you mean to recreate the scene based on desired effect. Correct?
Detective Green breathed in the stale odors of mildew, urine, and cigarette smoke which coated the air of this shabby apartment building. He hated these places, he knew he'd by the farm in one of these places. Die in a a stinking dump. He sighed. He saw Detective Mendoza shamble past the uniformed police milling about the hallway and go in the apartment. Ah hell, he thought and followed. He found Mendoza standing beside Barbara Miller, the county medical examiner. Green approached and peered over her shoulder and saw she was looking at a doll of an old man. Looks real, he thought. Miller looked up. "Hello." "Hi what's this? A doll?" Green asked. He could smell blood. Yep he saw it, blood all over the doll and floor. "The victim. Nope not a doll." She said. "It looks like a doll." Green said. He felt his energy drain away. I don't want this case, he thought. "Man there ain't nobody that small. It can't be more than eighteen inches tall, er, long, whatever." Mendoza said, eyebrows furrowing together. Green hated it when Mendoza did that. "I thought at first it was a prank," the medical examiner said. "You know a doll and some fake blood. But look closer. It's flesh not plastic, still warm, real teeth, tongue, saliva, eyes, nose, body odor. Even the wound is still seeping. It or he was, until just recently, alive."
posted
Yeah, this is very good, to my eye. But you're starting to go over the limit of what you can post on the forum for a story this short, so I should ask you to email me the rest.
You can rewrite the rest before sending it to get the POV the way you want it, but that isn't totally necessary, since the way you've rewritten this indicates that you shouldn't have much trouble getting your POV into place in a later draft if that works better for you. Let me know if there are any particulars that you're worried about (if there's a "special effect" that you're trying to do in the story, ask me about at the end of the text).
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