posted
Okay, this is the story I've decided to work on after I finish the Civil War story. This one is set in China during the Tai Ping Yang Rebellion, 1850-1868.
I don't have enough written yet to be able to send it out, but I'd appreciate your comments on what follows...
The Tao of Rain and Water
It was an evil season in an evil year in an evil age. It was a season of drought, famine, and war. Though for now, the rumors of drought were only that: rumors. The approaching drought (and the famine and war that would inevitably follow) was still far away, beyond the horizon, in the Imperial counties to the south. Li Hwa still had time to prepare for the coming turmoil.
Because she still had time, Li Hwa did as she had done every morning before this one: she wrapped a dirty bandage across her sunken eyes and sat in the yellow dust at the side of the Imperial road. There, she offered up a wooden bowl to passers by. Li Hwa was a blind beggar with the ugly, unbound feet of a peasant.
posted
This segment raises questions for me (not necessarily a bad thing). First, I'm not certain that drought automatically leads to war; I can see that it might lead to raiding parties and skirmishes, but full-fledged war is hard to support without food.
Second, I'm curious as to what preparations a blind beggar can make for a war (unless she is far more than she seems -- always possible, especially in a fantasy).
Finally, I'm not sure who your narrator is. 3rd omni is fine by me (I'm not as firm an opponent as some on these boards seem to be), but at this point I can't tell if this is 3rd omni or 3rd limited with some possible POV trouble.
Questions aside, I would keep reading. The first two sentences caught my eye; I guess they reminded me of the Dickens. The narrative voice seems fine to me, and I would want to see where you were going.
The POV is 3rd person limited, though this doesn’t become obvious until you reach the paragraph that comes after the 13th line. Should I try to make the type of POV more obvious before that point? And you’re right--the main character is somewhat more than she appears, though that doesn’t become apparent until later on, either. I guess I’ll just have to hope the other readers will be as patient as you are.
As for whether famine will cause full-blown war, in the case of the Tai Ping Rebellion, it did. Do you think I'll need to go out of my way to point this out?
posted
No, anyone conversent with the history of China is aware that disasters making life unbearable for the common people were the primary causes of most civil wars there.
If this story is going to be part of the same series/concept as your other, you would do well to stick closer to Li Hwa's POV, whether first or third.
posted
If you need a reader, feel free to send it to me. I enjoyed the Civil War one and I am interested in anything about China. This intro grabs my attention.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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