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Author Topic: Stormdriven
SteeleGregory
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This is the first page of my WIP "Stormdriven." It's far from complete, but I'd like some feedback on this sample from any of you who are willing.

quote:
It was an unusually cool autumn, so they kept a warm blaze going in the shop’s fireplace. As Dylan cranked the handle of the great wheel, he could hear the crackling of the leather strap as it pulled away from the wood. He could feel his skin tingling and the hairs standing up on his arm. The longer he turned the wheel the stronger it got.

There was something about the dry air that caused it. It was always stronger on winter mornings, especially when dad was shaping hardwoods on the lathe. The wheel lathe was a two man job, but they were able to quickly turn out the extravagantly detailed table and chair legs that were all the rage among the lords in Wynndemere city. When Dad said business had never been better, Dylan swelled with pride knowing he was partially responsible.

Dylan wasn’t concerned about being responsible at the moment. He was watching Jimmy sweep the curly wood shavings off the packed dirt floor. Waiting for him to get close enough. Jimmy was ten years old and Mom said he was small for his age. Too small to be picked on by his older brother. Dylan didn’t think Jimmy looked that small.

Thanks,
Greg


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HSO
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First off: Good job setting up the tension between big and little brother in the last paragraph. You get the impression that Dylan is looking forward to tormenting little Jimmy -- something he hasn't been able to do because of Mom. As a little brother myself, I wonder exactly what my big brother used to think before poking me in the eye.

I have a couple of thoughts -- preferences maybe. It requires moving bits around, tho'... hope you don't mind.

No reason why you can't say the name of the place in the first sentence, in my opinion.

Such as:

It was an unusually cool autumn in Wynddemere, so they kept a warm blaze going in the shop’s fireplace.

I would then recommend moving the first sentence of the second paragraph up to the first paragraph as follows below... I think it helps strengthen it a bit, keeps the flow going. It would require ditching the second sentence of paragraph two, however.

He could feel his skin tingling and the hairs standing up on his arm. There was something about the dry air that caused it. The longer he turned the wheel the stronger it got.

That's all I've got, really. Not sure if it helps you. It's just how I would do it. Feel free to disagree.


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djvdakota
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I too like that last paragraph, that moment of tension. And the second paragraph is the second strongest, IMO, because it explains what's happeining.

But that first paragraph...You begin by establishing the season, that a fire is blazing and that some people are in a shop. We then learn of Dylan and a whole bunch of mysterious goings on that COULD have as much to do with keeping the fire blazing as with what takes place in this shop. Draw me into the scene more completely and more clearly by showing me exactly where we are and what we're doing. I don't know what it means when Dylan cranks the handle, or what the 'great wheel' is or does, or why the leather strap crackles or what IT does, or why there is wood involved and what its function is. Then the fact that his skin tingles makes me wonder even MORE about what these things are doing and what their purpose is. SOME of these things are explained in the next paragraph, but not many.

The thing is, that if Dylan knows and understands these things, so does the reader. Make me feel part of the scene by explaining it to me and I'll be more likely to want to stay.

[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited January 14, 2005).]


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Survivor
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Yeah, some clarity issues. A few POV and setting problems.
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Mekvat
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When I read the city name, I couldn't help but think of the big real-estate chain here out west: http://www.windermere.com/. So long as there's not also a city called Reimax, I'm okay with it. :-)
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SteeleGregory
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Thanks for the comments. I found them all helpful. Here's a rewrite. It doesn't get quite as far because extra description expanded it, but I think that's a good thing. More input would be appreciated.

quote:
The Turner’s shop sits in the middle of Becking Street in the Village of Woodbridge, squeezed between the Joyner’s and the Carpenter’s. A small yard, walled-in and cluttered with broken tools and failed projects, separates the shop from the family house. Woodbridge lies along the edge of the Harrowsbane Forest. It is one of the small villages dotting the plain around the Chessup River, a tributary of the Striepeke which flows all the way to Prong Lake and Wynndemere Castle.

Dylan was helping his father turn wood on the Great Wheel Lathe. It was a two man job. Dylan turned the crank attached to the axis of the wheel to make it spin which pulled a leather belt wrapped around a length of wood. This caused the wood to rotate rapidly so his father could carve and shape it into any number of useful things. Table and chair legs, plates, bowls, even buttons took shape under the chisel guided by his nimble fingers. Gaudy is the current fashion amongst the lords of nearby Wynndemere City, so the more elaborately he could shape the wood, the greater price his goods would fetch on market day.

As the wheel turned, the leather strap crackled with static electricity, making the hairs on Dylan’s arm stand up and his skin tingle. The static charge rarely built up on humid summer days, but you could count on it on cool autumn mornings like today, especially with a roaring fire in the hearth to dry out the air.


Thanks,

Greg

[This message has been edited by SteeleGregory (edited January 24, 2005).]


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Survivor
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The POV problems seem to have gotten a lot worse. You've got a first paragraph that tells us a lot of nothing intersting.

I suppose that I should have just said POV and left it alone. Clarity and setting arise out of a good POV. Some people might be less confused by this verion, but most won't be much more enlightened. If the readers are asking "what's going on here?" that's not good, but it's better than "who cares?", which is what I foresee here.


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SteeleGregory
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Okay. Here's another version. Does this fix the POV problems and also keep some clarity? If I'm still having POV issues can you point out where I'm dropping it?

quote:
Dylan Turner watched as Jimmy swept the spiral wood shavings off the packed dirt floor. Waiting for him to get close enough. Jimmy was ten years old and Mom said he was small for his age. Too small to be picked on by his older brother. Dylan didn’t think Jimmy looked that small.

He spun the Great Wheel as quickly as he could. A leather belt connected to the wheel spun the wood on the lathe. Curlicues of wood twisted from underneath Dad’s chisels as he shaped the wood into table legs, bowls, goblets and any number of other useful things.

As the wheel turned, the leather strap crackled with static electricity, making the hairs on Dylan’s arm stand up and his skin tingle. The static charge rarely built up on humid summer days, but you could count on it on cool autumn mornings like today, especially with a roaring fire in the hearth to dry out the air.

Jimmy moved within reach. Dylan took a hand off the crank and snaked a finger behind Jimmy’s ear. There was a sharp crack as a spark leapt the gap between extended finger and ear. Jimmy yowled, hopping and flapping his arms wildly.

Dylan laughed so hard his guts started aching. He let go of the wheel to catch his breath. The lathe stopped turning and Dad looked up and said, “Stop bullying your brother and get that wheel going.”


Thanks,

Greg


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Netstorm2k
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Don't let Survivor's impatience make you jump around. The second version's opening paragraph was just fine, except for the last two sentences, although I liked the ending of the third version. Since you're going there anyways, the second version does a good job of setting a location. Don't be afraid of exposition. Without it, all you have is verbs, and that's too stressful. Most people don't mind giving you a little bit of room to get going, assuming it doesn't last for pages and pages.
Stick with your gut feelings, man!

However, I would lose the present tense.

[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 26, 2005).]


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HuntGod
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quote:
Dylan Turner watched as Jimmy swept the spiral wood shavings off the packed dirt floor. Waiting for him to get close enough. Jimmy was ten years old and Mom said he was small for his age. Too small to be picked on by his older brother. Dylan didn’t think Jimmy looked that small.

Don't call him Dylan Turner, just Dylan is fine we get the last name later. After "dirt floor" use a comma and then "waiting for him" and use "closer" rather than "close enough" Also what is he waiting for him to get close enough for? Give some indicator to the coming mischief by connecting this waiting to the building static charge. This whole first paragraph is choppy, maybe something like this to tie it together tighter. "Mom said Jimmy was small for his age, too small to be picked on by big brothers, Dylan didn't think he looked that small."

quote:
As the wheel turned, the leather strap crackled with static electricity, making the hairs on Dylan’s arm stand up and his skin tingle. The static charge rarely built up on humid summer days, but you could count on it on cool autumn mornings like today, especially with a roaring fire in the hearth to dry out the air.

Howzabout "crackled electricly" rather than "with static electricity" period. Then "The hair on Dylan's arm stood at attention his skin tingling." Do we need to know how it is on humid summer days? If not then just describe how the effects are stronger today because of the fire and the weather.

quote:
Dylan laughed so hard his guts started aching. He let go of the wheel to catch his breath. The lathe stopped turning and Dad looked up and said, “Stop bullying your brother and get that wheel going.”

"laughed so hard his gut's ached." Is Dad going to be Dad throughout the story? If not you need to name him, maybe Father Turner or something.


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HSO
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Netstorm brings up a good point in that exposition is fine to an extent. But how long is this story? Novels [may] give you more time to build a scene (see any Stephen King novel for an example) and short stories are "usually" a little less forgiving.

All you need to know about POV with this intro (and maybe whole story) is to stay with one character's perception of events as they happen, as well as their knowledge of things. Don't allow yourself to drift outside of that person's view for any reason... unless you make a scene break (line break) and are showing us something from someone else's view. (The first paragraph or two may be an exception -- often they are used to set up scenes, etc.)


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Survivor
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This version looks very good to me. I'm not entirely sure about using the term "static electricity", since I doubt that Dylan (or anyone in this setting) knows the term (I'm assuming that this actually portends something too, so it isn't a minor point).

You could simply call it "energy" or "charge". With your specification that it comes from the friction between the leather and the wood, that explains it exactly as Dylan probably understands it (again, based on an assumption about the setting and character). It also gives us enough information for most readers to identify it as static charge. Note that static charge is the first known form of electricity, and was the original meaning of the term, coined to mean "side effect of rubbing amber with a cloth". Galvanic electicity and magneto-electric induction were both discovered much later.

There could also be a slight improvement in showing why Dylan is thinking about the charge he's feeling from the lathe before he puts his plan into action. But since, in this version, he acts so quickly after noticing the charge, it is a minor point.

Overall I'm thinking that this version is a considerable improvement over your previous versions. All the information is relevant to this scene and to the character. Some small changes might improve it, but the previous ambiguity as to how everything fit together has been addressed.


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SteeleGregory
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Thanks for all the help, everyone.
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