***

The boy nervously tapped his foot, watching the clock tick back and forth, back and forth, as he waited for the principal to call him into the office. The hand moved slowly, second by second, minute by minute. It grinned at Paul, who sat with his hands on his knees, his stomach lurching. The people in the office didn’t even look at him, and he did his best not to look at them, staring at his feet or his hands, or the cheap marble tiles lining the floor. The stiff warm air was punctured every so often by the secretaries parakeet. Cheep! Cheep! Back and forth. Back and forth.

“Paul Donovan please?” The principal’s voice made Paul jump as the door slammed open. “Follow me, young man,” said Principal Connors stiffly. He waited as Paul stumbled out the door, tripping over his untied shoelace and fixing his collar.

“Yes sir.” He was very red, and anxious to know why he was there. He got called down to the office often; He had troublemaking friends at the public school. They were the tough black crop of the next generation for the city, growing up on the poorer side of town. He had yet to find out why he still hung out with them, so he could explain to his parents.

Anyway, here's my thoughts.

I got the waiting bit down. I liked your use of repitition to draw out the boredom.

One thing to keep in mind - and this needs some adjustment with your principal's entrance: watch your action.

He's not going to boom from inside the office and then slam the door open. The door's going to open first and then he's going to boom.

Hope this was helpful to you. I look forward to hearing how it progresses.

-a

Anyway, I have a comment or two:

The title could be fine. Really, it's hard to say, but it does have that "gangsta" feel to it, and if that's what your target audience is, then sure... why not? If that isn't your target audience, well... it might be an issue. That's all I can say about the title. I'm hopeful someone will have better advice.

On to a specific section of your intro:

quote:

---

He was very red, and anxious to know why he was there. He got called down to the office often;

---

If Paul is called down to the office often, then why would he necessarily be anxious about it?

For example, when I was in Jr High, I was in the principal's office at least twice a week for a year. Even when I didn't know why I was called there, or sent there, the office was like home. I used to get coffee for the secretaries, walk in and say hello to the V.P... once I even answered the phone.

So, what I'm saying in a very roundabout way is: consider that line a moment. If he is always anxious, then that's okay... it may be his character -- maybe he's a nervous kid all around. But someone (like me, for instance) would wonder why. Still, Paul hangs out with some troublemaking friends -- and this might in itself be interesting... but might consider clarifying your intent in this place.

My more detailed comments:

1st Paragraph:
I too like the repetition. However, some of the sentance structures feel awkard to me, especially the sentances starting with "It grinned at Paul,..." and "The people in the office..."

In the first it is describing something that he does, "...sat with his hands on his knees..." and something that he feels, "..his stomach lurching." This is an odd context switch for the reader. I'd recommend either separating them OR making them both of the same type (ex: "..., who sat with his hands on his knees, feeling his stomach lurch.")

The second one feels very long (even though it isn't). I think that this is because it never starts flowing smoothly but instead keeps getting interrupted by commas. I might break it into two sentances after "...and he did his best not to look at them..."

As far as the other two paragraphs go: I agree with the comment regarding timing of the principal's speech. Also, doors rarely "slam" open. They can, but it feels strange to have happen in a principal's office (of course, it might be what you want, *shrug*) which I usually find to be more serious and a place which displays its anger quietly and coldly.

[This message has been edited by Eadwacer (edited February 21, 2005).]