posted
I am working on this story as part of next issue on shapeshifters. This is modern fantasy- no horror or violence elements involved.
let me know what you think of the thirteen, and I'd like some readers for this one.
JB Skaggs
*** Julie closed the bedroom door. A pudgy brown puppy with a green collar bumbled around her feet. She scooped him into her arms and he licked at her face in happy excitement. Julie had bought him a week ago from Sunny Companions, a puppy farm just outside town. They promised these dogs made excellent companions for special people.
“It’s bedtime Knickers. Momma needs to sleep,” Julie said. A photo of a man and boy sat on the nightstand. Her late husband and their boy. Eight years had gone by since they were taken by a drunk driver. The pain and loneliness flared for a moment and faded. She heaved the sigh of longtime loss and dropped the puppy on the bed and slid in the sheets. She switched off the light and closed her eyes. The puppy snuggled up against her back. She liked the dog’s warmth against her back. Soon sleep took her.
“Mommy.” A voice spoke, snapping her awake. “Mommy are you awake?”
“What? Who is it?” She flicked on the light. A little boy sat in the bed. He was wearing nothing but a green collar. Her hand covered her mouth. “Oh my God.”
posted
I think that you might be hurrying a bit, trying to put too many things right at the front of the story. Notice that you only have one line of POV specific information, "The pain and loneliness flared for a moment and faded." Also, you've got two distinct scenes here, even though both happen in the same location.
How long is this story? Or rather, how long can it be?
I am not finished with the text. But the more I have finished the more I realized that this opening scene should be towards the end.
this is where I think might open better:
***
Julie awoke remembering a dream about a little boy talking to her that was so lucid that she had problems deciding if it was real or a dream. The boy was her son, but not her real son, Bobby. He was another little boy, he was her new son.
"That had to be dream," she said. Her husband and son were dead. She began her way towards the kitchen and halted. Bobby’s bedroom door was open. Her son had been dead for eight years. She couldn’t stand to change it and she kept the door shut. Something was wrong. The room was a mess. Toys and clothes were scattered everywhere. It was as if a child had just been playing. Wooden blocks were stacked into castles, toy soldiers were lined up, and some of the clothes had been folded. Fear, anger, and wonder sparked to life within her beating breast.
“I have to call the police. This just isn’t right. Someone must be sneaking in! People can’t just keep teasing me like this,” Julie said. Knickers sat by her feet scratching his ear.
She called the police.
“Police,” said a flat female voice.
“This is Julie Wells. Someone has been breaking into my house after I have gone to bed.”
“I see. I am sending an officer over now. Have a nice day.”
“Thank you,” Julie said. The line went dead.
[This message has been edited by JBSkaggs (edited March 04, 2005).]
posted
I like the first one better. Starting a story with a main character awakening from a dream verges on trite. Maybe start with Knickers waking her up to link the dream and the dog a little? This would put the emphasis on the dog and not the dream, which could be a nice bit of misdirection. That said, finding her son's room disarranged like that is truly creepy.
Also, having recently had someone break into my house, the police reaction didn't ring true.
posted
JB – I have to say that I really liked the first opening much better. Not to disagree with Survivor because in the short time I’ve been on Hatrack, I’ve come to respect his opinion greatly, but if I had read that opening, I would have definitely kept reading. That last line made me more interested in Julie than any amount of narrative summary regarding her loss ever could have. It was shocking and fascinating and spawned dozens of questions in my head that I would have kept reading to have answered. It was good that I knew her son was dead but I felt that what you had was just enough for the time being. You stated that they had died horribly, by a drunk driver, and that she still felt the pain of their loss and her own loneliness. To me, that was enough. I can imagine the rest. After that shocking revelation, I would be willing to plod through some emotional reflection about how she much she misses them and so on, just to find out what the heck is going on.
However, it is your story and you know what it going to happen so, it might be too much at the very beginning. It might reveal more than you want it to straight away. I read the second option you had for an opening and completely missed the reference to the child’s room being messy and how unnatural that was in this context. When I read it again, after knowing what I think I know from the original opening, then it made more sense, but initially I completely missed the point you were trying to make.
Perhaps there is a way to give that information, of the messy room, in a more dramatic way so that the reader is drawn in almost as much as your original opening, without giving out all of the information in the beginning.
posted
I liked the first beginning more, too, but agreed that it seemed rushed and busy.
The problem with the conversation with the police in the second opening was that it was just flat. It adds nothing to the story - no information, no conflict, no character, no setting, nothing - you would indeed be better off with a sentence that just said "Julie called the police."
If you do go with the second opening, I think her reaction when she sees the room is a little off. If it were me, I'd react a lot more. I'd feel afraid and confused and threatened and disbelieving. If this is something that keeps happening, as you've implied, I'd have to wonder if I was a little crazy. I wouldn't just say "oh, I'll call the police." You say she felt fear but you didn't show it, just moved on to the next action.
posted
The first version grabbed me more as well, although I have to agree that it seemed a tad rushed. If you could put the information into action it might have more punch. Perhaps she picks up the picture and holds it against her heart, and then sighs nostalgically. As long as you convey the fact that they are gone and that she misses them, that's enough. The details (eight years, drunk driver) can be added in later. Beyond that, I liked it, and would have kept reading one way or the other.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
JB - If you have her call the police at some point, by all means summarize it. The reason the police reaction didn't ring true was because it was too fast. One of the scariest moments of my break-in was when the 911 operator asked if the person might still be in my house and I realized that I might not be alone. The operator stayed on the phone with me till an officer arrived.
So, back to the first opening. My problems with it were that "special people" made me think of people who were physically or developmentally disabled, so I didn't know why a grieving mother would have gone there for a puppey. The second thing, and this is only a potential problem, is "A little boy sat in the bed." If this boy looks like her son I want you to say so right there. If not, then you're fine. As TaShaJaRo says, that last line grabbed me.
posted
I assumed the boy did look like her son, or assumed you would explain that in the next couple lines. I'd be willing to read the whole thing.
Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2005
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