posted
Hello everyone. I really don't have much experience as an author. Infact, I have not written many things. I shared this with a friend, and decided that i'd try and get more feed back from others. I have not came up with a title, and this is just a fragment of the introduction that i've wrote. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read it.
Aspan sat mounted on his horse, unable to focus, and unable to imagine what exactly it was that stood in-front of him. Tales of blood fanged creatures, only fabled in old folk tales, had forever tainted his dreams ever since he was but a kid. Aspan, over time, had learned how to cope with such dreams. But what stood in front of him was beyond comprehension, beyond the explainable, beyond the most vivid dream he had ever had, and even beyond any blood wrenched tale his pa had ever told. Fear clouded his mind and chilled his heart. He was definitely not cold, yet his body trembled and tremmered with violent shrieks and shakes that pierced his mind like an ice tipped lance. Cold sweat persperated into thousands of tiny beads and danced wildly upon his forehead.
[This message has been edited by William (edited March 13, 2005).]
posted
Hi, welcome to Hatrack, and congrats for diving in This opening does not work for me: you have clearly established the POV character, and you show us his reactions. The trouble is that you delay the description of what he is facing, and that in my oponion detracts from the story. THe main character seems to exist in a vacuum, sitting on his horse, and staring at..nothing in particular, actually. I'd suggest you cut the description of his fear, and describe what he is facing, in his own words, which will be enough to establish that he is indeed frightened, and very much so ("a towering, ravening beast with a mouth big enough to engulf him and his horse" I know that is bad, but it's just an example to show you what you can do) Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
The trouble is that you delay the description of what he is facing, and that in my oponion detracts from the story. THe main character seems to exist in a vacuum, sitting on his horse, and staring at..nothing in particular, actually. I'd suggest you cut the description of his fear, and describe what he is facing, in his own words, which will be enough to establish that he is indeed frightened, and very much so ("a towering, ravening beast with a mouth big enough to engulf him and his horse" I know that is bad, but it's just an example to show you what you can do)
Thank you for responding. I agree with you somewhat, though, I wanted to write something that i felt would grab the reader. I felt i was necessary to describe his feelings before i described the beast. I wanted to put a mental image of what he felt, and leave the reader wanting to find out more about the creature. I guess I didn't do that though. Also, this is just the opening paragraph, I go into detail about describing this creature next.
[This message has been edited by William (edited March 13, 2005).]
posted
...consider describing the beast and Aspan's feelings simultaneously, or in an alternating fashion. In this intro, keeping the action moving as well as showing us how the character feels would really liven it up, I feel.
By showing us, I mean keep the following bits -- they're good, yet could stand a little work, in my opinion:
quote:yet his body trembled and tremmered with violent shrieks and shakes that pierced his mind like an ice tipped lance. Cold sweat persperated into thousands of tiny beads and danced wildly upon his forehead.
The part in bold is not fully in Aspan's POV, or rather not deep enough, in my opinion -- parts of it are possibly an outside perspective. You might consider somehow adding that Aspan felt his perspiration dancing wildly, and that would ensure we know exactly who is feeling and seeing what. (If this makes sense... I'm a bit jet-lagged, sorry if I'm incoherent.)
posted
If you describe his reactions, but not what he's seeing, you're asking us to just take your word for it - you're telling us what he's feeling.
If instead you show us the monster, and show us his reactions, you allow us to experience it along with him, and draw us into the story.
Additionally, it's usually stronger to tell us what the character IS doing, rather than what he IS NOT doing. (unable to focus, unable to imagine . . .)
Make it immediate and vivid and active we will be sucked in.
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