posted
The following 13 lines are from my novel in progress, Into The Maelstrom.
Better than any man on Haven IV, Jaan Bjorn knew the family kitchen. He not only cooked there but he had planted and cultivated the potherb garden outside the low window by the stove. He had lowered the cupboards to make them easier to reach and increased the size of the stove to make room for a brazier for roasting meat and large fungi. He had even added a walk-in pantry. Of course, his mother had wanted all these things to make her new home more like the Royal Villa she had abandoned when Livia the Usurper had killed her husband, King Aristides Bjorn. That afternoon, the terrible reek of torture - sweat and blood mixed with feces - wafted in from the living room to mix in the Bjorn family kitchen with the domestic smells of garlic, onions, and herbs chopped fresh for the midday. One man and three women waited for the business conducted in the living room to be completed. Of the four, only Jaan belonged in this place where so many happy meals had been prepared. Jaan Bjorn was a prisoner in his mother’s home.
[This message has been edited by FreyasFriend (edited March 15, 2005).]
posted
Are these the first thirteen lines, or a cutting from in the middle? Also, you don't have to take the thirteen lines quite so literally and cut off in the middle of a sentence.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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Well, it's got me intrigued to know what the heck is going on in that place.
A bit too much info going on for me though. It started nicely - Wham, bham action. But then it took a big back step and we get all this detail about previous lives and kitchen design, which tbh...i'm not all that interested right now after such an explosive beginning.
I have to point out though, that this is all subjective and there's probably folks that will love it.
posted
I think it's the beginning. There's a story by Tanith Lee titled Jedella's Ghost that starts off with:
That fall morning, [...]
(I only know this because it's in the current SF anthology I'm reading at the moment.) So, on the surface, this seems a valid intro.
- - I'm sort of hooked during the first paragraph, and then you lose me in the second. Additionally, that first sentence is a bear to get through. I would recommend either additional punctuation, or breaking it up into several sentences, or reordering some of the words and breaking it into several sentences. You're cramming way too much info into that one sentence, in my opinion. Give us a chance to assimilate the scene.
Secondly, the last sentence of the first paragraph would make an excellent starting sentence, I feel.
The second paragraph seems wholly out of place, because you tease us with torture, and then you neglect to follow through with it. Maybe this is all right, but the information in paragraph two likely isn't necessary -- especially the remodelling stuff. Not yet anyway.
But the idea in the first paragraph is indeed intriguing. If it weren't for the second paragraph, I'd want to read on. Heck, I'd probably read on anyway.
posted
Ditto. Powerful hook, and the follow-up, I don't care about.
However, I'm a bit squeamish, and honestly, if I found this at the bookstore, I'd skip ahead a little, see if there was more of this level of grossness, and if so, put the book down. If you want to keep the feces-smell reference, I respect it, and if you don't want to go quite that far, you might change it to comparing the sound of a teakettle to the sound of the screams (or something like this) -- still scary, but not gross.
posted
man, that first sentence - I had to read it a few times to get through it.
In a book, I'd be skipping the second paragraph, looking for where the story resumes. I don't think it's a bad idea to slow down a little after the opening paragraph, show us more of the setting, get us a little grounded, make us wait, but I think this goes too far, and is a little info-dumpy.
quote:Of the four, only the man belonged in this place where so many happy meals had been prepared. Jaan Bjorn was a prisoner in his mother’s home.
You are forcing the irony. I'd quit at: Of the four, only the man belonged.
quote:Of course, his mother had wanted all these things to make her new home more like the Royal Villa she had abandoned when Livia the Usurper had killed her husband, King Aristides Bjorn. It had taken the return of her
I like the change of pace at the beginning of the second paragraph, but I think that you should keep the pacing consistent through the paragraph, if you are going to shoot into some drama, then start a new paragraph.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited March 14, 2005).]
posted
Freyas, upon further reflection, consider bringing up the smell of torture first before the smell of herbs and stuff. Without rewriting entirely:
That afternoon, the smell of torture wafted in from the living room into the kitchen, where...
Or something along those lines. I feel this would REALLY draw us in much better -- a super hook, perhaps. The torture is the key part of that line, right? So, smack us in the face with it right from the start! Don't beat around the bush with herbs -- give us the goods, first. Then, describe more in detail.
Just a thought (opinion). I'm rescinding my comment about using the last sentence of paragraph one as a first sentence, by the way.
posted
I have to agree with the others about the mass info listed in the second paragraph. It is one of my pet peeves. Keep it simple and let out the info in a trickle. When you first meet a person, you don't tell then your life history right after the hello's are exchanged.
I enjoy the use of action first language, where there is more motion and dialogue, with narrative description used as a bare bones backdrop that acts like a skeleton on which the reader can build the setting on his own. Just my opinion