Right now all I seek is a little feedback on the opening. Does it intrigue you? More importantly, would an editor turn the page and read page TWO as well? Now that Book One is finished, I am feeling the need for peer support and honest, open, critique. Thanks for any comments you offer!

~~{{Title: The Crystal Temple}}~~

The small caravan crested the ridge of the Andulian Mountain Pass. Traveling in single file, the overburdened horses picked their way carefully around the rocks and boulders that littered the road as they began their dangerous descent. The cold spring wind sighed in the trees below them, making a mournful sound.

A large rock suddenly dislodged from the hillside above them, and came bounding noisily down the slope. The action set off a small flow of loose shale that followed in its wake. The sound echoed down the canyon below.

The burly man in the lead held up his hand, halting the travelers. They waited uneasily for the rocks on the steep slope above them to quit shifting. His filthy striped cloak flapped in the wind and strands of unwashed hair straggled out from underneath the turban that was wrapped around his head.

The man next to him wore an eye patch across one eye. He looked up with a frown at the towering mountainside above. "Why don't we just go around? This road is unsafe," he said.

"I told you. We don't have time. We've got to get the girl to Paisa before the slavers set sail."

( ...edited to include hard returns to separate paragraphs since the tabs didn't show up!)

I admit, I'm not particularly intrigued yet. This is because I have no clear POV character to identify with yet. This may resolve shortly, but I honestly feel that the opening could be strenghtened by showing us this scene through one character's eyes.

"burly man" and "man with a patch" doesn't do much for me. Do these men know each other? If so, it should be clear from the get-go.

There's also a bit of wordiness, some redundancy. For instance, this phrase:

quote:

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...and strands of unwashed hair straggled out from underneath the turban that was wrapped around his head.

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Could you find another way to say this using less words? Perhaps just replacing "that was wrapped around his head." with "he wore." would do just fine, in my opinion. Turbans are always worn on the head, we don't need to know that it was wrapped around. The imagery is very clear without being told it was wrapped.

Look for things like that as you go through and edit.

The good things about this story is that you have a clear setting established. I knew exactly where things were happening, what things looked like, and so on. I feel you just need to refine your word choices and develop your POV character from the start.

Good luck.

I have some ideas that may help, that I used (although I only cut mine by about 10%):
* if there is a scene that is not tense and fun all by itself, cut it, and summarize it in a sentence or so in the next section.
* go thru looking for explanations, and if they're obvious or previously stated, cut them
* I found I kept saying "was doing" when "did" would have worked as well -- or the same for other verbs. I did search for "ing"
* I looked for words that are often unnecessary, including very, total, absolute, complete
* I changed stand up to stand, "out of" to "from" (sometimes), and otherwise tried to find shorter ways to say things.

My reactions to your piece. I am not so much on sword and sorcery, which I think this is, so my opinions may not be worth as much. I thought the danger on the pass was a mild hook. The last bit, where I think he's saying they're selling a girl, makes me less interested in "burly man" -- I dont' care about slave traders making their schedules; they can all go bankrupt for all I care! -- so I don't find it to be a hook. For me -- this is my bias -- finding that there's going to be wizardry would be a hook.

I'll put [] around things that you might strike, and my comments in ALL CAPS.

--

The small caravan crested the ridge of the Andulian Mountain Pass. Traveling [in] single file, the overburdened horses picked their way [carefully] around [the] rocks and boulders [that littered the road] [as they began their dangerous descent]. The cold spring wind sighed MOURNFULLY in the trees below them[, making a mournful sound]. SHOULD THAT BE "TREES AROUND THEM"? IF THEY'RE BELOW THE SOUND MAY BE TOO FAR TO HEAR

A [large rock] BOULDER suddenly dislodged from the hillside above them[, and came bounding noisily down the slope]. The action set off a small flow of loose shale that followed in its wake. The sound echoed down the canyon below. WOULD IT?

The burly man in the lead held up his hand, halting the travelers. They waited uneasily for the rocks [on the steep slope] above them to SETTLE [quit shifting]. THE MAN'S [His] filthy [striped] cloak flapped in the wind*,* and strands of unwashed hair straggled out from underneath HIS [the] turban [that was wrapped around his head].

The man next to him wore an eye patch [across one eye]. He looked up with a frown at the towering mountainside above. "Why don't we [just] go around? This road is unsafe," he said. BUT THEY'RE ALREADY MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH. WOULDN'T GOING BACK BE EVEN MORE DANGEROUS?

"[I told you. We don't have time.] We've got to get the girl to Paisa before the slavers set sail."

--

This would cut the length by about a quarter.

The 13 lines is a challenge! I always trusted the reader would get through the first "chapter" so I could make a more leisurely build-up to what is happening. But I totally understand the concept of "gotta hook em" within 13 lines. Heck, it's how *I* shop for books!!

The small caravan crested the ridge of the mountain pass. The cold wind sighed mournfully as the overburdened horses picked their way around fallen rocks on the narrow, steep road. A boulder dislodged from the hillside above, setting off a small flow of loose shale in its wake as the sound echoed down the canyon. The man in the lead held up his hand, halting the travelers. They waited uneasily for the rocks above them to quit shifting.

"Why don't we go around, Volgar? This road is unsafe," the man next to him said.

"We don't have time. We've got to get the girl to Paisa before the slavers set sail."

"You've already been paid. Kill her now and throw her body into the gully. No one will be the wiser."

Volgar glanced at the girl who sat vacant-eyed and motionless on the back of a horse. He was unwilling to risk that the threats made by the sage who had ensorcelled her had been idle ones.

“No, Ikbal, we must fulfill the contract," he replied as he motioned the caravan forward.

Ikbal eyed him with suspicion. There must be a hidden promise of more coin at stake. Why else would Volgar honor a contract to transport a simpleton girl clear across the continent? Volgar never did anything based on honor.

I think this is a better opening because you get to the point of the story faster than you did in the previous post.

There is a nice tense moment between the two slavers, I liked that part.

I can understand more of what is going on with this little bit than the previous post.
We get more into the story faster.

Hope all goes well with this, nice title by the way

Some nit-picks or thoughts:

The cold wind sighed mournfully as the overburdened horses picked their way around fallen rocks on the narrow, steep road.
I PREFER: THE OVERBURDENED HORSES PICKED THEIR WAY AROUND THE FALLEN ROCKS ON THE NARROW STEEP ROAD, AS THE COLD WIND SIGHED MOURNFULLY. THIS IS BECAUSE I FIND THE HORSES' ACTION MORE INTERESTING THAN THE WIND'S.

I notice you've gone for omniscient narrator. Unfashionable these days, but legitimate.

I find myself dancing back and forth across the fine line between description that paints those lovely mind-pictures we have when we read, and description that falls flat and is tedious to slog through.

I don't suppose there is a handy pocket chart to measure "How Much Extraneous Descriptive Text Is Enough and How Much is Too Much?"

I've always suffered from the "why say it in two words when you can say it in two hundred words conveying lovely descriptions and florid imagery to cause the reader to gasp in wonder at your prosaic adroitness" tendency.

I live in the Pacific Northwest where all the Cascade Mountain volcanos are located (ie, Mt. St. Helens)... I am visually describing what you see when you go above the timberline on Mt. Hood, but I confess I totally guessed at what the actual stone is that is there... my "Crystal Temple is situated on a mountain similar to Mt. Everest, and I've wondered if my description of it being imbedded in the "granite bones" of the mountain are correct... I love stones, I make gemstone necklaces for a hobby... but I am sorta weak in the scientific classification end of things.

A friend of mine took a geology class. She said you could cut the class in half, between the half that lined the stones up on their desk and labeled them with their geological properties and scientific nomenclature, and the other half who line them up on their desk and say to the stone "Ooooo... aren't you PRETTY? You are such a cute little guy."

I've held in mind that Mt. Everest is my model for the mountain it sets on. I've tried to find a reference on the internet as to what the rock is that makes UP the Himalayans, but couldn't find what I was looking for. The only evidence I've seen is from a time I spent on jury duty. I was on a jury, and on a pedestal in the courtroom off to the side was a HUGE rock - a good foot square, I'd say. It was a pretty shade of green, and given my interest in rocks, I was intrigued. After the trial was over I walked past the rock. A woman from Portland, Oregon (where I lived at the time) had successfully climbed clear to the TOP of Mt. Everest. It was a chunk of Mt. Everest that she packed all the way down the hill and gave to the judge who normally presided in that courtroom. I personally cannot fathom carrying a rock that big that far!