posted
I'm considering whether this story is any good. It was just an experimental start, I don't have any more. It's a fantasy about a female knight. See if you like it:
It had happened, he could feel it. Why else would the king summon him? He was too late, the girl was born, motherless now, and there was nothing he could do now.
“Your Majesty, Tristar . . . um,” Tristar cleared his throat. “Well you see, Tristar . . . failed.”
“You disappoint me, Tristar.”
“But your Highness! O Great and Noble One! The child! The child . . . ”
“You dare make excuses to your king!” the king threatened.
“But your Excellency! The mother. . . .”
“You shall exterminate the child. You will not fail me this time, I do hope.”
Tristar hung his head in shame. “Tristar shall succeed in this great task the Almighty King has so graciously given.”
“Good. Now, go.”
Tristar then rushed out of the double doors, bowing continuously and mumbling phrases like “Kind and Gracious Ruler” and “O Mighty King.”
[This message has been edited by Chessna (edited July 07, 2005).]
So let me see if I've got this straight. Tristar, the knight, failed at some mission. This resulted in a mother dying and a baby being left parentless (where's the father?) The king tells Tristar that he is responsible for raising the child.
Points: * It makes me think the king doesn't think Tristar will have much value in the future, because taking care of a child is a full-time job. I hope this doesn't turn out to be a Vin Diesel babysits the horror kids thing.
* I think it is a solid concept, but admit I had to work a little bit to extract it from the opening. What did could he feel had happened?
* The first paragraph doesn't ground me in time very well. I'm not sure if he is thinking back or is currently in the situation, or if he is feeling something that happened in a distant place. Then suddenly he's in a dialogue with the king, like the king just appeared - poof.
* Then I got thrown off by the first two references to Tristar. Finally I figured he was referring to himself (as a formality?) by his own name. I was confused.
* Then, when you say "it's hatched," I'm tempted to think you're talking about the mother, since she was the last-mentioned character.
I think with some clarity, and maybe not jumping so abruptly into the dialog, that you've got an interesting concept. Especially a future knightess that hatches instead of being born. Will she have feathers?
posted
Oh. That changes things a bit. So he's supposed to kill the child, not take care of it. Excuse me a moment while I paradigm shift.
I actually like this better. It is more in keeping with the role of a knight. If he decides to surruptitiously take care of the child, instead of kill it, he will have to be careful, away from the eyes of the king, and he will be much more invested in the child because it was his choice. But I guess I'm getting ahead of the story, eh?
posted
So you're saying Tristar isn't bad enough to dispose of the baby, so he secretly raises it? But that would raise the king's suspicion, and he would eventually guess that Tristar was taking care of the child. How would I make that work?
Thanks a lot for your help!
[This message has been edited by Chessna (edited July 08, 2005).]
posted
"But that would raise the king's suspicion, and he would eventually guess that Tristar was taking care of the child. How would I make that work?"
This issue was solved quite neatly in Sleeping Beauty. It would be a fun chance to come up with a unique solution.
posted
My main concern is about Tristar not being with the king. You see, he's the servant of the king. I guess he would have to have someone else take care of her, otherwise it would be quite obvious. Hmmm...
Thanks for all your help. If you have any other good ideas for my plot, they would be greatly appreciated.
posted
How about this: I have a girl see what happens the night the mother is attacked and she runs in and saves the baby (I've named her Yvonne) and take her to her mother to raise. Or maybe just a nurse that was helping the mother with the baby, knows that the king is after it and takes the baby. I don't know how it would be best.
posted
I think that it would be cool if Tristar saved the girl. He would take the child to a couple in the "village" near-by that he knows--perhaps a fringe relative who's just lost a child. Then he visits her as an uncle sporadically as she grows. He trains her in the arts of battle and what-not. But the tension is that he is constantly near the king and the child is so very close, yet the king has no idea. Then slowly as the child grows the tension will build as she comes out more in to society passed off as some peasants daughter who's really awesome with a blade.
Okay that was just a crazy brainstorm, but you get the idea. If the child is close to danger it makes the tension better. Make the reader worry that something may happen at any time. Maybe even have the king get interested in her (not in a sexual way, just because of her skills). He asks her to come to the palace or something. Can't get much closer than that. Plus then we see Tristar going nuts cause he's worried sick about this girl he's come to think of as sort of a daughter. Everybody has vested interest.
I love it! I want it. If you choose not to use this let me know.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited July 09, 2005).]
posted
That sounds great! I love the idea! Thank you for everything! Anything else anyone comes up with is greatly appreciated! Thanks again! Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Sorry, that wasn't fair to ask. That was very uncreative and I apologize. I ought to be more careful about how I phrase things. I was sort of talking to myself, I guess. I won't blunder like that again.
posted
Too Many Tristars metioned. 7 times in 13 lines! Even though it is refers to only one person, with the use of the name so much it gets confusing and may cause the reader to start to skip and miss something. I would read more...
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I know, David! I wish I could come up with this stuff for myself.
Well, I'm glad I could help. Hey, Chessna, if you ever get this thing published, I expect a full dedication in my honor. And make the comment pretty. Like: You're my inspiration, or something.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited July 14, 2005).]
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