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Author Topic: Another try
scm288
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My recent attempt was going nowhere, so I started over (again!). Here's another try:

The door opened and the figure of Michael’s father, Renault, strode into the cramped kitchen, robes billowing in the morning breeze and edged with frost. He was a tall figure, fairly dominant in the shack that was Michael’s home. He stared down at his two sons, disdainfully at Michael and proudly at the elder, Blake. Michael did not care for Renault much, either. The rift between father and son had been commonplace in Michael’s life, and he had gotten used to Renault’s jibes and bullying.

“Finished, Michael?” asked Renault.

Michael stared down at his bowl, the grainy oatmeal in it floating in a puddle of grey water. He shrugged once, and swallowed the rest of it in one gulp.


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HSO
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Mind if attack this fragment?

For whatever it's worth, overall I feel there's some wordiness here, that the prose could be tightened. There's a good hint at some ongoing conflict, though, and that's good. Nevertheless, let's consider the opening sentence, which I would like to make several points about:

quote:
The door opened and the figure of Michael’s father, Renault, strode into the cramped kitchen, robes billowing in the morning breeze and edged with frost.

Firstly, consider not saying "the figure of" and going only with "Michael's father". As is, it's a bit cluttered -- why does it have to be the figure of? (Figure is used again in the very next sentence, too; at least there it works much better than in the first sentence, though, in my opinion, I'd consider cutting it out there, too.)

Secondly, POV. My guess is that we're in Michael's POV, but that's only a supposition. One way to strengthen whose POV we're in is to clearly show us the scene from Michael's perspective. Simply saying, "Michael looked up as his father strode..." or some similar thing. Of course, I have to wonder if Michael thinks of his father as "Renault" or something else. It could be that he does think of dear ol' dad as Renault, but... well, it might be too early to tell us dad's name. It feels a bit forced. Then again, it could be true to his POV... but it's hard to say -- it certainly seems like there is a lot of bad blood and animosity between these two people. Just something to consider... I did get hung up on this before I got to the next few lines.

Thirdly, when I first read this sentence, I wondered why it was so breezy inside the kitchen. It took me a moment to consider that the kitchen door led outside and that's why robes were a-billowing. Or maybe there are several windows open. I don't know. But I can say I was immediately thinking there was something wrong with the kitchen being breezy (it's never breezy inside my kitchen, I thought). This could be easily rectified by taking a moment to set up the scene fully or more clearly. From where is Renault coming from? Inside or outside?

Fourthly, are the robes "edged with frost" or is it the morning breeze that has a frosty edge to it? I'm not sure what you mean. Consider not trying to cram all of this information into one sentence. Perhaps reordering the information given will help. There are any number of fixes, really. Most importantly, give the reader a chance to assimilate the scene as close as possible to how you see it, but don't rush it. Slow down.


On to a different sentence:


quote:
The rift between father and son had been commonplace in Michael’s life, and he had gotten used to Renault’s jibes and bullying.

This is sort of info-dumpish, especially this early on. However, it's good info to know, and if presented differently, it could make all the difference. Consider really diving into Michael's perspective here, making it as close to a personal thought as possible. Have Michael wonder if his father is going to jibe and bully him (like most every day or morning). Simply personalizing it a bit more would really help strenghten the POV and give relevance for its inclusion.

Of course, there is an issue with Renault staring at his two sons in two different ways. As written, it seems like Renault is capable of holding two opposing expressions at the same time. Again, this could be rectified by diving deep into Michael's POV and also breaking it up. Consider showing each action separately and showing Michael's response to each. Then, you give more relevance to the bad blood between father and son, and possibly, you won't even need to explain the rift just yet. We'll see that there's conflict just by reading how Michael perceives his father's expressions towards each of his sons.

To sum up, I think you're starting in the right place, but I also feel that you should roll it back a few minutes and show Michael eating breakfast before his dad comes in (very briefly, though -- essentially, give us a moment to know precisely who we are following before you introduce Renault.) I get the impression that something is about to happen that's going to change Michael's life, so that's a good thing. You've got real conflict between son and pop. Just don't try to cram it all in a few sentences. Let it breathe a bit. Resist the urge to explain the conflict and show it instead. Trust me, we'll figure it out.

Good luck.



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scm288
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Believe me, this isn't even the 'real' attempt, either. I'm still poking around by trial and error in order to find the actual 'start' to my novel. But thanks for the input. I've decided to put this scene elsewhere in my novel than the very beginning, and your remarks have helped.
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pixydust
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I think that HSO has said it all. I second everything he said.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
Mechwarrior
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HSO hit all the highpoints. I can't agree on the remarks about the kitchen though. It's a shack which implies it's small and out in the country. Also, most houses/shacks I know have a front door or back door in the kitchen.

As for the POV, if it is Michael's POV you could mention that to him it feels like his father looks favorably on the brother and not him.


Posts: 87 | Registered: Aug 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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