posted
He sat in his car adjusting the zoom lens to his camera. Yes, she will do nicely. He watched her as she threw her cap to the ground, and then followed her to the bench. He took a picture. The sound of an engine roared as a car passed on his left side, so he lowered his camera. After peering over his shoulder, he raised his camera and looked back onto the field. He saw a girl running to first base, his eyes widened and he smiled, “Ah, she’s even better. She’s plump and…” A sharp, stabbing pain hit both his eyes and blinded him. “Okay, okay, I get it, she’s off limits. A 'no' would have been sufficient.” After rubbing his eyes and then his right temple, he lifted his camera, searching for the girl on the bench.
[This message has been edited by robinlindh (edited March 30, 2006).]
posted
More of a hook, for me, but the unreferenced pronouns make it a problem to identify with the character (is there any reason not say "Jeff sat in the car" rather than "He sat in the car"?). The "stabbing pain" when he looks at one particular child is an indiciation that something unusual is going on, that there's more to this than just a creepy guy (or worse) watching schoolkids.
"The sound of an engine roared passed" - well, it should be "past", not "passed", and although technically the sound does roar past, it still comes over slightly wrong - I'd prefer "There was the sound of an engine roaring past."
Finally - you might want to wait for a few more comments and thoughts on your original before revising and re-posting. One person's comments are only that, and it's better to get a number of people's opinions in place before deciding what direction you're better off heading in.
posted
Sound doesn't "roar past", it moves at the speed of sound, but its propogation does not produce any additional noise. It's like saying that a sword "forges" on the anvil, or a song "records" in the studio.
Unreferenced pronoun error. That's a big one, enough to keep me from reading more all by itself, when you carry it so far.
Mixing of tenses, poor POV handling, confusing scene development.
posted
I think you meant it was the car that roared past, not the sound that roared past.
Who is "he"? It's a pet peeve of mine, I'm afraid, but I just don't like stories that start off with "he" or "she" for even so much as a sentence without giving me a name. This is clearly deeply in "his" pint of view and he knows his own name...
There is something sinister here. You've done a nice job of creating that emotion, if that's what you were going for. I'm not sure what's going on but if you fixed the prnoun problem I'd probably read about a page to find out for sure.
By the way, it's nice to let us know genre, word count, and what kind of feedbakc you'd like when you post. Did you want readers for the whole thing or just some feedback on your opening?
posted
When you are writing in a specific POV, you do not need to say things like 'he watched' or 'he heard' etc...because the reader assumes anything seen/heard/smelled, etc... is seen/heard/smelled by that specific person. SOOOOOO, "He watched her as she threw her cap to the ground, and then followed her to the bench." could be shortened to simply, 'she threw her cap to the ground then sat on the bench.'
I agree with the previous posters about the pronouns...I found it confusing at times with all the hes, hers, shes.
You *do* create a hook at the end...who is this guy? Who controls him? What is he up to?
posted
This is mildly interesting. Already there's a villain, which is cool, but he needs a name. You don't have to give the girls' names if he doesn't know what they are, but there needs to be a distinction made, like if one's blond and the other brunette. It took me a couple reads over to realize that there were two girls he was watching.
Also, something blinded him and he knows what did it, so I'll want to know too what happened to him soon afterward.
posted
I admire your self discipline in your writing--instead of piling clause upon clause upon clause, you are throwing in some simple, short sentences as well. I really like how this speeds up the pace, or at least keeps it from becoming monotonous (I've just read some stuff Cicero wrote about alternating "long sword" sentences with "short dagger" ones for ultimate effect in writing, and I see how it works well here). I really think it takes tremendous control to write like this.
If you'd like to send it to me, I'll read it and critique.
posted
This is very confuzing. Did someone spray something in his eyes? Or is he like God or someone knowing when not to choose a certain person? Is he a pervert? Is he invisable? Is he a bodyguard? Is he a spy? Is he a murderer? Is he going to eat her? Is he a photographer? Is he taking pictures for a catalog? Or is he just some random guy off the street taking random pictures? Please explain.
[This message has been edited by Choccido (edited March 30, 2006).]
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