posted
This is a rough draft, first draft - beginning of the story. Just threads - tell me if you think it will be a viable/likeable story.
The dark sky threatened to drench the children in their ramshackle tree fort; the wind made the lush green leaves dance and the support branch swayed gently. The children were gathered around a strange object they had found in the attic; Tobias was trying to read the scratches on the side of the old medallion. It had a dragonhead on one side and a bird-like lion creature on the other, “Mythos, Dar korn telepus myn gewd nights” he mouthed, as he pushed up his glasses. He always fancied himself a genius, so he automatically tried to read it. Incidentally that’s when the clouds darkened and the hair on Nygel’s neck stood up and then it happened, the world seemed to melt before their eyes and change. Sara was frightened and she had good reason too, she should have listened to her inner voice and went home.
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited July 19, 2006).]
posted
It's a bit clichéd. Especially the fact that they found the object in the attic.
But, clichés are clichés for a reason: they work (if you work with them). I would keep reading but I would look for something new and I would stop reading the second I found another cliché.
posted
This has the feel of juvenile fiction (is it?), and for that genre, as a short story, it works.
I agree that this could be cliched.
It feels rushed -- not infodumpy exactly, but in a hurry to get to the part where the world shifts. There's no sense of mystery yet when that happens, and there's only the faintest outline of character. If this is for a novel, I think it's too hurried.
This seems like the kind of thing that would be good to come back to and plant something unique into the opening after you've written the rest of the story; for example, get rid of the incantation and add a different, more unique detail, or start at a slightly different place or something.
Those are just initial knee-jerk thoughts, so take them for what they're worth.
posted
Yeah, I agree the spell talk has to go. When I wrote this original I had to keep up with the ideas as they came - so it was kind of rushed and yes with this story I was aiming for juvenile fiction. I am/was thinking of juvenile novel - but I haven't touched for three months now. Thank-you for your comments!
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Personally I would back the whole story up to the discovery of the medallion in the attic. I know you're meant to start in media res and all that, but this feels too far in.
posted
I guess so, I started to write it as soon as the images of the story came to mind. It is not set in stone, but it is a valid point wrt to the medallion.
The medallion holds an ancient evil that was trapped eons ago, the history of that occassion had been wiped from human history and the medallion given to various gaurdians. The children unwittingly release the spirit and are trransported back in time to the land it was removed from - it seeks revenge. There will be a prophecy introduced later that seals the fate of one of the MCs, along the lines of "One shall steal the heart of brother and shall fall into the shadows". Basically that means that one the MCs will kill and be consumed by the spirit - become one with the evil and of course there will have to be a balancing prophecy...the other half..
posted
It's a little heavy on description in some of the areas that aren't important, and too light in the areas that are important. For example, in the first sentence you have: dark, ramshackle, lush, green, support, gently. But the medallion gets only vague words: strange and old.
There's a recent topic about adverbs over in the discussions section. I don't think ALL adverbs are bad, but this fragment might be an instance where I'd delete some just to thin them out.
I kind of like him trying to sound out the unfamiliar writing, but I don't think you need to show the words.
Maybe you are working from a cliche premise, but I wouldn't mind, because this cliche has so many ways to make it fresh and new. You've given us a hint of personality for one character ("He always fancied himself a genius..."), but you could do more with the other characters. We need to know who is bold, who is shy, etc. I think the moment of discovery would be a better starting place than this scene, because it gives you more opportunities to introduce the children. (You could even start before that, give us an explanation of why the children were rummaging through the attic.) I would just be very careful, you don't want your readers thinking about "The Goonies".
posted
Thank-you for the tip, when I take a more indepth look at it - I will consider all of the helpful tips I have received
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posted
Tobias was rummaging in the attic looking for his grandfather’s ornately carved chest. He stooped low and pushed open a loose board that opened to a dark recess, reaching in with his hand he thankfully touched a solid object. He carefully pulled out his hand and hoped that it wasn’t a dead squirrel. Tobias was relieved and somewhat shocked, he thought his grandfather was senile – at least that’s what his Mom had said. Turns out the old man was telling the truth, but he had said that the box should not fall into the wrong hands. Tobias blew and wiped the many layers of dust off of the ornately carved chest. He carefully examined the hinges and found them to be intact, he wondered what his grandfather was talking about. He slowly opened the chest and his heart jumped into his throat, an exquisitely made medallion with a Dragon on one side and a beautiful woman on the other.
What do you guys think of this beginning? Better or worse? Number 1 or Number 2 - Number 1 or Number 2
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited July 22, 2006).]
posted
It felt, to me at least, that you are throwing slightly disjointed bits of information at the reader in a rapid-fire manner...in both versions (which may account for that initial 'juvenile fiction' feel). That may not be a totally coherent comment, so I'll try to elaborate (though I'm having trouble connecting the dots this early in the morning). It almost seems like you...change subject with each sentence.
This isn't always a 'bad' thing; when describing physical action (violence, in particular) it can be quite effective. However, it may not be the best track whilst introducing the reader to your characters, plot, etc. Quite simply, I felt like I was having trouble keeping up with the events...too many unconnected things are happening right after one another, and in several instances (i.e., sentences three to four in the second version) they don't seem to be in the proper place.
My advice would be to reduce the focus on events as they occur in realtime and describe the "who, what, where, why?" in greater detail and with less abruptness.
Also--and this is a nitpick--the second sentence of the second version is composed of two separate thoughts that don't really work when connected. This is also true of the fourth sentence, in my opinion.
And now for the positive side...I like your character, despite the fact that I'm having trouble sticking with him. Perhaps it's his overt curiosity that draws me (not to mention the promise of a magical artifact in the hands of children, which rarely fails to produce enjoyable situations). In any case, if you can just settle down into a manageable rhythm, for lack of a better word, I think you can make this work, and well.
Hope some of this early-morning gibberish helps.
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
The medallion was found in the attic of his grandfather, who had recently died. He had asked Tobias to keep an eye on it until his good friend Wilmer came to get it. He warned Tobias that under no circumstances was he to open or touch the Medallion. Tobias dismissed his dying grandfathers warning and opened the small chest containing the Medallion. It was beautiful, untarnished by time and made of solid gold. The Medallion seemed to beckon to be touched and when he touched it he felt a sensation of joy. Tobias knew he had to share this discovery with his good friends and went home to call them. The Medallion pulsed with joy, the spirit within felt its release was imminent. The fools who trapped him in this prison would feel his wrath and they all would pray for their own quick deaths – their cries of pain will be unparalleled.
Here is a more streamlined beginning - hopefully less cluttered.
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited July 22, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited July 22, 2006).]
posted
Why does the first sentence start out passive (not saying who found the medallion)? Why not start by saying that Tobias found the medallion?
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posted
Tobias found the Medallion in the musty attic of his grandfather, who had recently died. His grandfather had made him promise to keep an eye on it until his good friend Wilmer came to get it. He warned Tobias that under no circumstances was he to open or touch the Medallion. Tobias dismissed his dying grandfathers warning because he assumed that the medication he was on was affect his mental state. Once he found the ornately carved box he opened it, although he screwed his eyes shut to avoid injury. When he opened them the sheer beauty of it was overwhelming. It was untarnished by time and made of solid gold. The Medallion seemed to beckon to be touched and when he touched it he felt such a sensation of joy that he nearly collapsed. Tobias was never one to show feeling,
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited July 23, 2006).]
posted
The first fragment you posted, though the idea was a bit clichéd, the writing had more. . .zing to it. The style was the hook.
This third or fourth re-write, felt like you took Inkwell’s advice (I agree with him/her, by the way) to extremes. You’ve distanced yourself from the MC (imo). It’s like, I’m not experiencing things along with the MC anymore, I’m just a passive observer. The way I saw it, trying to figure out the 5W (or 4W) was just a way for you to see what you needed to write, then work on the way (style, setting, tone...) to write it.
quote:This is a rough draft, first draft - beginning of the story. Just threads - tell me if you think it will be a viable/likeable story.
Judging by the number of re-writes my advice is that you polish the first draft, get everything moderately straight and then post the first 13. Sometimes the opener comes after you have a clear ending in mind. Maybe you’re one of those writers who needs to have a perfect opener before revising the rest. If that’s your case then post away and forget about what I said
Nicole
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 23, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 23, 2006).]
posted
I think the several tidbits of great advice has inspired me, I plan to leave the storm in and juice up the beginning. I like the idea of finding the Medallion, but I am stuck with the thought that his dying grandfather gave it to him or told him where to find it. The idea is he found it by accident, while he was looking for his rocket -which shot through the round attic window...I love sharing ideas, its inspirational and it is very helpful. I just re-read something I wrote when I was twelve, and it made me smile - I am definitely influenced by Tolkien, C.S. Lewis. Maybe I will post that, later.
Thanks Nicole, Inkwell, Corky...everybody!
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited July 23, 2006).]
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