posted
Alright, I believe this is 13 lines. I wrote this a while ago. It's a 2000-and-some word short about a cop.
I was alone with a murderer.
The darkness consumed me as I chased my suspect down the alley. He was stumbling into boxes and through the slime of the alley. Terrified, and furious at what he'd done, I ran blindly, my breath pounding incessantly in my ears. Sirens rose in the distance and I knew help was out there, somewhere.
I kicked through the garbage in the alley, my pant legs tearing as I caught edges of crates and boxes. I was sweating, tired, and of course I also had a privileged duty to protect society from animals like him.
Ahead, he stumbled and hit the side of the alley wall. There was a crash as he went tumbling through a door. I had to go in after him. If I lost him, what would I tell my partner's widow and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 29, 2006).]
posted
I stopped reading after the first paragraph, to be helpful though I finished in spite of myself.
quote:I was alone with a murderer.
K, this could be incorperated somewhere else, it's not shocking for MC's to be with murderers in stories
quote: The darkness consumed me as I chased my suspect down the alley.
It seems really cliché to me at this stage, the whole "the darkness consumed yada yada”. This was my first turn off. Also the way this sentence is structured I'm caring more about the darkness than about the cop. "I chased my suspect down an alley flooded in darkness" or something like that. I'm not sure if you're attached to the whole "darkness attacking" the cop though. Also WHO is this suspect? You say he's a murderer, I think this could be a better place to bring that up.
quote:He was stumbling into boxes and through the slime of the alley. Terrified, and furious at what he'd done, I ran blindly, my breath pounding incessantly in my ears.
I think there's a POV issue here, the alley is dark.. yet we suddenly know in perfect detail how the runner is falling over things and the grossness of the alley he's touching... yet in the next sentence the MC is admittedly "blind". Further we're somehow jumping into the feelings of the runner, how does the cop know he's furious at what he'd done? Or terrified... though that might be more reasonable for the cop to perceive, though its still not written in the right POV.
Another disconcerting aspect of this paragraph is it seems like the two sentences had some sort of gene-splicing... Sentence 1 is talking about the runner... but sentence two is also talking about him... then it runs on and talks about the cop... two subjects don’t work, let alone all the commas.
quote:Sirens rose in the distance and I knew help was out there, somewhere.
k
quote: I kicked through the garbage in the alley, my pant legs tearing as I caught edges of crates and boxes.
How can he run blindly while kicking what sounds like movement impairing obstacles? Beyond that, how did the runner get through without leaving some kind of path for the cop to follow?
quote:I was sweating, tired, and of course I also had a privileged duty to protect society from animals like him.
I'm not sure how the descriptions at the start have any relation to his duty at the end.
quote:Ahead, he stumbled and hit the side of the alley wall. There was a crash as he went tumbling through a door. I had to go in after him. If I lost him, what would I tell my partner's widow and their children? I'm sorry, I let the bastard get away. I reached down inside myself for courage and resolve.
Again, I guess the alley isn't nearly as dark as originally described since the MC has complete knowledge of the runner's status, pity he couldn't have used that knowledge to avoid the obstacles instead of kicking them out of the way earlier.
The rest of the paragraph should be THE START, maybe replacing that empty first sentence. This information gives a lot more character to the situation. It's now not just some noname cop chasing some no name crook through an alley.
Beyond that, while I have no idea the real character of the cop, but if he were out for some kind of revenge through this story, those reinforcements being a little too far off could be described with some darker undertones. No help would be coming... so he'd have to "deal with the guy himself" if you know what I mean :P
I do appreciate the action in this scene though so I hope you post your revision.
[This message has been edited by Chris V (edited September 28, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Chris V (edited September 28, 2006).]
posted
>I was alone with a murderer. I'm OK with this, but I think I would prefer something with more detail. As I think what this might be, I realize that this might not be the best place to start. Seeing your partner shot has to be a major event -- maybe start there?
>The darkness consumed me I don't know what it means for darkness to consume someone.
>He was stumbling into boxes and through the slime of the alley. POV, as Chris said.
>Terrified, and furious at what he'd done, I ran blindly, my If he's terrified, he'd better stop running blindly down an alley with a murderer.
>I was sweating, tired, and of course I also had a privileged duty to protect society from animals like him. To me, this sounds like the line from the Hunting of the Snark: "They pursued it with forks, and hope." He has sweat, tiredness, and duty -- not parallel.
Mostly, I just want to know what's up with this. Contrast with something I heard recently on TV. The woman's talking about a suspect shooting her. "He said he was a student, and he tried to show his ID, and I believed him. I believed him! Then he pulled out the gun -- I was pregnant." Whoa -- that's interesting.
As it is, I think your opening's OK, but it could use some more interest.
posted
I think, if you put the first sentence in a different light it might work better. something like "I was chasing a Cop Killer."
Don't tell us what he feels, let us see it. Is he so angry he hurdles boxes like they weren't there? Is he so steemed he punches something? Is he so sad he thinks of killing himself? Is he so angry he contemplates just shooting the guy in the back? Give us a reason to feel for him.
An even punchier opening might be telling us upfront that his partner was dead. Give him a personal stake and watch the Pov. You didn't shift but it was hard to understand which he you referred to.
"Darkness consumed me" Cliche. Either he gave himself to the 'dark side' as the cops say of a bad cop, or literally it was dark. IT is the action equivalent to 'a dark and stormy night" It tells us nothing.
Don't catalogue the alley's contents. You end up giving us two separte lists and as a result it is confusing.
Also, to increase the tension use some shorter, choppier sentences, it gives the reader the effect of breathlessness. Get us into his head, I already feel for the guy, let me feel his rage, his anger, and his sadness and you have me.
posted
Wow, those are all great coments and I really do appreciate them. The only comment that I don't agree with is the one about starting with the cop getting shot, but during the midst of this story, while the cop is chasing this "murderer" he begins having flashbacks on how he came to be in this situation. I'm going to begin revising the beginning and hope to get it posted by today. The story is finished as well, so if anyone would like to read it, just give me a holler. Thanks again.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Just something to throw out there: I think you should change to third person. Now, I'm not sure how attatched you are to first person narrative, but the way those first lines read seemed more suited to third person. Just a thought.
Posts: 346 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Indeed, though if you're looking to keep one fo those stereotypical 1st person detective story feelings be very very careful with how you execute it.
I was reading Analog a week ago (november issue) and their lead story was all written in first person. Drove me crazy, and it was also trying to do the detective/cop thing. I stopped reading it after the first column, the story hadn't really gotten anywhere either. In my opinion, first person cop stories may be over done. Remember you can always write third person but get inside your MC's head. For me 1st person can often run rampant, and those stories make me want to throw the book across the room. I hate hearing "I, I I, I I" in my head when it's not me doing the action :P
posted
Copious flashbacks at the beginning of a story aren't usually a good idea. Why? Because it's really just exposition in disguise. It's a way of getting all that pesky backstory out of the way right up front rather than either working it into the story or leaving it out.
I'm not saying that's your intention, just that it's usually the case.
If the events in his flashbacks are important to the story, I suggest at least considering how the story might be improved by starting earlier and incorporating those events into the actual storyline.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 29, 2006).]
posted
This is why I hate writing in first person. It's a balancing act. Either my stuff comes of WAY too conversational and casual or I write stuff like "The darkness consumed me..." (no offense)
It's really difficult for me and I just try to avoid the mess altogether.
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