1. Readers for 5800 Sci-Fi story
2. Crit of first 13

**reworked version below**

"...appeared to execute in slow motion..." Appeared to who? The sentence is awkward. Why not just "Adam went into a free-fall."

"He fumbled blindly and clumsily below the lip of his utility spacesuit visor to free himself,(from what?) but the unyielding seat restraints..." Better, I think, to let us know of his seat restraints first, then his struggle. "His seat restraints would not yield to his attempts to free himself..." Before reading of the restraints I was wondering just what he was trying to free himself from. The result was I was distracted from the story,

"...knowing in the back of his mind it would do no good, he was
over forty kliks from base station." Why would it do no good? The signal wont reach? Another vehicle can't be sent out?

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The malfunctioning and out-of-control Mars rover launched itself off the lip of the crater as if it could fly but its flight soon turned into a huge dust tailed arc as the meager but constant gravity of the red planet pulled selfishly like a child not wanting to give up a new toy.

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its flight soon turned into a huge dust tailed arc as the meager but constant gravity of the red planet pulled selfishly like a child not wanting to give up a new toy.

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"It's flight" is repetitive (you already said "as if could fly"). What follows is a mixed metaphor or at least two metaphors rammed together. Either go for "dust trailed arc" (which I recomend) or for "selfish child thingy" (which I don't think works). With your permision, allow me to rewrite. Hope it doesn't bother you.

"It fell in a dust-trailed arc as the faint gravity of the red planet dragged it slowly down"

Not the best phrase, but you get the gist. I don't think "meager" is the work you're seeking. To me it feels like "amount of food" or at least "amount of something tangible". But it might just be me.

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The crater at over one hundred twenty surveyed meters deep and Adam found himself in a free-fall that appeared to execute in slow motion.

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The grammar is all over the place. How about turning this into an active phrase?

The crater was over one-hundred and twenty surveyed meters deep and Adam free-fell in slow motion into it.

Another bad example, what with the dangling preposition and all, but you get me, right?

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He fumbled blindly and clumsily below the lip of his utility spacesuit visor to free himself, but the unyielding seat restraints bound Adam and the self-willed rover together in a death grip.

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Blindly here equals clumsily, bc unless you're actually blind, you tend to execute maneouvers clumsily when you can't see. Adverbs are dangerous and lumping two together like this is not such a good idea. The phrase as a whole is unwieldy. Too much info lumped together.

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“Russ, Rover Malfunction, Going down,” hollered Adam into his headset, knowing in the back of his mind it would do no good; he was over forty kliks from base station

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Globally, I like your idea, but the grammar and those humoungous phrases made this hard to read. This kind of sentence structure works in Spanish and some other latin-derived languages were the subjunctive and relative clauses allow you to subordinate a sentence to the rest. This helps the reader prioritize info and you can effectively get 100 word phrases which are readable and even pretty.
In English this is simply impossible. You're trying to pack in too much info and there's no way you're going to succeed. Chose your fights. Decide what's important and drop the rest. For starters I suggest killing off at least a third of your adjectives and adverbs and then chopping your phrases into the as many smaller phrases as possible. Read the result and see if it moves faster. You can always go back and put Humpty-Dumpty together again.

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The malfunctioning rover accelerated off the lip of the crater[,] as if it could fly[, or, end the sentence here and begin anew with:] but its leap soon turned into a huge arc[. T]he weak[,] but constant[,] gravity of the red planet pulled selfishly[,] like a child not wanting to give up a new toy. The newly surveyed crater was over one hundred twenty meters deep and Adam found himself in a free-fall that [appeared to execute in = felt like?] slow motion. He fumbled blindly below the lip of his [utility<--needed?] spacesuit visor to free himself, but the unyielding seat restraints bound Adam and the self-willed rover together[,] in a death grip
“Russ, Rover Malfunction[.] Going down,” hollered Adam into his headset, knowing in the back of his mind it would do no good. He was over forty kliks from base station
IMHO - "Russ, rover malufunction. Going down." Adam hollered into his headset. In the back of his mind, he knew it was useless. He was over forty kliks...

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The malfunctioning rover (1) accelerated off the lip of the crater as if it could fly but its leap soon turned into a huge arc as the weak but constant gravity of the red planet pulled selfishly (2) like a child not wanting to give up a new toy. The newly surveyed crater was over one hundred twenty meters deep and Adam found himself in a free-fall that appeared to execute in slow motion (3). He fumbled blindly below the lip of his utility spacesuit visor to free himself, but the unyielding seat restraints bound Adam and the self-willed rover together in a death grip
“Russ, Rover Malfunction, Going down,” hollered Adam into his headset, knowing in the back of his mind it would do no good. He was over forty kliks (4) from base station

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1. "The malfunctioning rover" is telling rather than showing. Have an alarm go off, have Adam smack the console, have Adam say "Damn rover is malfunctioning again," anything other than the narrator telling me point blank that it's malfunctioning. Adam's response to the malfunctioning rover is a good bit of character exposition that can be used to develop his character a little more.

2. "selfishly like.... new toy" is redundant. If a child doesn't want to give up it's new toy, being selfish is already implied. Either drop the adverb or drop the metaphor.

3. This sentence seems a little clumsy, particularily "appeared to execute". The same with "self-willed" in the next sentence.

4. This might be nitpicking, but wouldn't kliks normally be written as "clicks"? It seems an awkward substitution without a lot of added benefit to the reader, but in the overall scope of your piece, it might fit better, depending on how this change is worked into the rest of the world.

Jayson

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4. This might be nitpicking, but wouldn't kliks normally be written as "clicks"? It seems an awkward substitution without a lot of added benefit to the reader, but in the overall scope of your piece, it might fit better, depending on how this change is worked into the rest of the world.

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I am not looking for anyone to spend hours doing a line by line. Just a read through to say whether they thought it a viable story and if I have any bad writing habits.

Readers will be handsomely rewarded (with love).

I’m going through and checking my periods and comma’s, Thanks Inart.

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Klik or klick is slang for kilometer. If you look it up at http://dictionary.reference.com , Wolfe_boy,
you will see the complete definition and multiple possible spellings.

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Thanks, IB. I was aware of the definition (particularily so being Canadian and therefore intimately familiar with the metric system), though I've never seen or used those particular spellings before. Live and learn, or so they say.

I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who helped me with this story. Your help was very valuable and its application has greatly improved its flow.

I have been busy trying to make money lately. I told my brother I would pay for two of his kids to come and stay with us for the summer (my family lives in UK and I live in California) and then realized just the plane tix would be $3000. Im generous or dumb, cant figure which yet. Actually Im really looking forward to it. They are 15 and 17 and super excited so it will be awsome dude! Family is the best blessing. Hope I still feel that way after lol.

Anyway thank you again and I will continue to pay it forward on this site now I know its back.

What Adam suddenly realized was that he was changing everything. He was restarting his life from the time he was nine, only he had a twenty yr experience mod. This would affect all his choices. He would do a million tiny things different each day. His conversation would be different. His food choices different. Even his friendship with Russell would be strained if he had the experience of a twenty-nine yr old man regardless if he was physically nine and young Adam still resided as part of his consciousness. But here's the point. Any given child is the product of ONE sperm and ONE egg. One sperm out of thousands on a given day! What are the chances that he would have intercourse with his wife at the exact same time of Annie's original conception considering he had rebooted his existence well over a decade earlier? Virtually none! What are the chances the exact same sperm would even exist considering the biological differences that would result from mature eating and exercise choices. Yes he would get a child, but it wouldn’t be Annie. He would have effectively traded the daughter he so loved for his own life. Like most parents, that was a trade he was not willing to make.

Why didn’t he just go back a little? Well, he was delirious from oxygen deprivation when the alien presented a way out of death. He had just been thinking about his mother and how she had never recovered from the senseless divorce. How he always worried for her because she was so alone. His first thought was to take the opportunity to go back and prevent it from ever happening.

He wasn’t clear minded and so, like most of us would, he went way back. It’s the classic “One Wish.” Should you be modest or do you get greedy?

Those were great questions and I’m really glad you asked. I’ve addressed them in the story so it’s clearer now. Thank you for helping me.