When Lieutenant Walters entered the office Colonel Sorens was already at his desk gazing out of his large plate glass window, a serene expression on his face.
"Plucky little thing ain't she?" and jerked his head to indicate a figure on the high wall outside. "How longs she been climbing for?"
Walters glanced at his watch. "By my calculations about an hour sir"
The colonel nodded clearly impressed, "An hour, my word, and hasn't figured it out yet. Ah well still best get her down in about 5 minutes".
"Sir" the lieutenant said frowning slightly.
The Colonels plump face creased into an indulgent smile "Ah

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When Lieutenant Walters if this is the POV then I would use the name as he thinks of himself entered the office Colonel Sorens was already at his desk gazing out of his large plate glass window, a serene expression on his face. this sentance feels really long. Kind of a lot to take in when I'm not sure who either of these men are yet
"Plucky little thing comma ain't she?" [cut and]He (not sure who the "he" is here. Might want to clarify0 jerked his head to indicate a figure on the high wall outside. "How long[ap]s she been climbing for?"
Walters glanced at his watch. "By my calculations about an hour sir period"
The colonel nodded comma clearly impressed,should be a period "An hour, my word, and she hasn't figured it out yet. Ah well still best get her down in about 5 spell out five minutes".
"Sircomma" the lieutenant said commafrowning slightly.
The Colonel[ap]s plump face creased into an indulgent smile "Ah Lieutenant Walters, you are a good conscience not sure what this means. It's a nice day, we'll give her another 10 spell ten out too minutes and then bring her down." He stood up from behind his desk and twisted right and left, his hands on his waist. " Any other business lieutenant?"

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The reason why this isn't a hook is because I have no grounding in what they're talking about. Why is this important? Why do I need to know? And the POV is a little iffy. I'm not exactly sure who's head I'm in.

Thank you for the feed back, especially the grammer, as it is not my strong point. Lieutenant Walters thinks of himself as Lieutenant Walters - he is one of those people whose identies and jobs are intertwined.
I seem to have a problem with hooks in that what I think is hooky and what other people think is hooky differ vastly. As a short story I try not to put too much info then of course it becomes too little. One of life's mysteries I suppose. Anyway have you seen where eagles dare? It is rather in that genre of military escapades.
Ah well back to the drawing board / writing desk.
thanks for excellent feedback.
lianne

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Escaping was impossible at the Ant Farm,I would change this to a period or use a conjunction like "but" still people tried. It was, however, rather annoying to be constantly called on to stop some idiot criminal from some idiot action. Lieutenant Walters supposed that was why they were in here in the first place, stupid stubbornness.

The above is something of an info-dump. You can get away with a small one at the beginning if it is justified. What does this tell us? This place is called the Ant Farm, but what is it really? We know criminals escape, so it must be like a prison. We know that Lieutenant Walters finds the escapes annoying, so why don't they do something about that?

More importantly, I would like to see an actually character her. Something like Walters walking across the yard and noting another criminal trying to escape. Gee, he or she thinks, that really annoys me. And so forth. That's a simplification of what it would be, but what it gives as action and a character's Point of View. Let us inside the head of the character.

When Lieutenant Walters entered the main officecomma Colonel Sorens was already at his desk. Sorens was gazing out of his large plate glass window, a serene expression on his face. Perhaps you could specify whose office this is, first. Is it Soren's office or Walters or something else? If it is Walter's office, how does he or she feel about Sorens, and Sorens being here? Just thoughts.

"Plucky little thing, ain't she?" Sorens jerked his head to indicate a figure on the high wall outside.
"How long's she been climbing for?"

Walters glanced at his watch. "By my calculationsMyself, I'm not sure if people use this phrase in real life, but I'm not a military person. However, it is trite to me. I would just say, "I think..." about an hour sir".

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I'll be frank. At this point, I don't care about any of it. In other words, I don't feel hooked. No one is in trouble or danger. No interesting questions or situations have been posed, and so forth.

What could hook me is that a prisoner is trying to escape. That might be a hook if I were seeing things from the prisoner's Point of View. Alternatively, if the prisoner were doing something extraordinary and might actually escape, I might be interested to see how they stop her.

Ask yourself at what point the reader will care most about the story, and then see if you can start from there. If not, go back a bit and see if you can start there. Keep doing that until you find the right starting point. Myself, I tend to look for the latest possible starting point--sometimes it gets me in trouble.

Here is what I look for in a 1st 13, in brief: an established character (not just a name) I can care about, a point of view, a setting I can understand somewhat, and a hook--something that makes me want to keep reading. Others look for other things, but this is my list.

I strongly recommend working on the grammar and spelling. As noted above, it isn't a strong point for you. Look for some sites online that discuss the basics.

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Escaping was impossible at the Ant Farm, still people tried. It was, however, rather annoying to be constantly called on to stop some idiot criminal from some idiot action. Lieutenant Walters supposed that was why they were in here in the first place, stupid stubbornness.
When Lieutenant Walters entered the main office Colonel Sorens was already at his desk. Sorens was gazing out of his large plate glass window, a serene expression on his face.

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Maybe try something, like:
Lieutenant Walters watched the criminal scale the wall of the Ant Farm from Colonel Soren's office. In all his time as assistant warden, never had an escape been successful, but still they tried.

This conveys alot within a couple of concise sentences. Also, it turns the thirteen lines into nine.

It occurred to me that if Lieutenant Walter thought of himself as such, he would be stiff, from wealthy stock. He would use proper etiquette and no slang (thus I think it's fine to Use the "By my calculations..."). It's reminiscent of the difference between Richard Sharpe and Lieutenant Lawford in Bernard Cornwell's historical fiction,Sharpe's Tiger.

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"Plucky little thing, ain't she?" Sorens jerked his head to indicate a figure on the high wall outside. "How long's she been climbing for?"
Walters glanced at his watch. "By my calculations about an hour sir".

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