posted
Any volunteer readers for this 2100 word SF story? --------------------------- A long undulating siren wailed its last dying notes through the deep canyon where hundreds of lights illuminated the night from every possible angle, setting the stage for Launch Pad 6. Towering above it all, a 20-story rocket prominently erect like an ivory monument to the last 200 years of space travel. In contrast, its latticed service gantry, crawling with technicians, seemed like a throwback to a simpler time of oil derricks and high voltage towers. “T minus ten minutes and counting.” The sonorous public address voice echoed throughout the launch pad, and crackled flatly in the passengers’ headphones inside the launch vehicle. Fully suited, Dr. Simon Burgess lay on his back with his feet elevated for liftoff. He was one of 119 other fellow
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 06, 2007).]
posted
The first paragraphs paint a normal, expected launch pad scene. Dr. Burgess isn't out of the ordinary, either, for a space opera, in the first sentence he's mentioned.
Then we find out this is about Australia in space - one-way deportation. That's unusual, and so is the planet's name. The name is a little heavy with portent, though. At this point I'm sort of hooked. I'd like to find out what's unique about this penal colony or about Dr. Burgess and his crime - hooked enough to read a short. Yes, I'll offer.
A nit: "He was one of 119 other fellow deportees, convicts..." If there are 119 others he was not one of them. Perhaps: He and 119 other deportees, fellow convicts ...
posted
I'm hooked, though I hope you plan to explain why 200 year old rocket equipment is still in use. That's like a character in a modern story boarding a sailing vessel. Also, I'm afraid that Purgatron sounds like a Transformer to me.
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
It's a very good intro. I especially liked the panoramic intro, transistioning into the view of the MC (I use that style a lot myself). One thing, though: You use a modern rocket, and then immediately fire off a remark about old-fashioned tech. It seemed confusing to me to have referenced two different time periods so quickly.
Overall though it's good. Love to read the rest, just e-mail me at jba@lakeada.com.
[This message has been edited by Josh Anthony (edited August 05, 2007).]
posted
Can't offer to read the whole thing this week (holler if you're on a second revision later in the week...) but definitely interesting, agree that purgatron has a vaguely transformer feel to it. You could play w/the idea of purgatory or a penal colony and other languages and probably come up with something nifty that isn't so out-of-place.
Nits: - In the first sentence, I suggest starting a new one after canyon. Hundreds of lights illuminated..." - In the "Towering above it all..." sentence - I suggest a verb. I know, how old-school of me. I think the reason it didn't work for me was the "prominently erect like ..." phrase. - Plausibility point - i get what you're saying that the public address is sonorous when heard outside, but crackles flatly in the passenger's headphones, however it still made me go "huh?" Maybe just switching the "and" to "but" would fix the disconnect. Do you see what I mean?
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You could play w/the idea of purgatory or a penal colony and other languages and probably come up with something nifty that isn't so out-of-place. 
