posted
Modern Fantasy: First 13 --- This is my dream: He’s watching me. I am not free. He’s been there for ten months. Trailing in the shadows. Hiding in the darkness. I know who he is, or at least what he is. I know what he wants. I know every move he’s going to make. He knows I do, and that’s why he’s been drawing out the hunt. To wear me down, burn me out. He wants me to be good and terrified. It’s starting to work. I turn the corner onto Maiden Avenue and a streetlight flickers off overhead. The shuffling is louder, closer. The Claimant draws near. I liven my gait.
[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited August 31, 2007).]
posted
I don't think starting with a dream is the best idea to interest somebody in the story, especially when trying to create a sense of fear and dread, if it's only a dream then you lose most of the tension right there, unless it's a Nightmare on Elm Street scenario.
You say you know who he is, what he is, and what he wants, yet at the end of the 13 I'm still totally in the dark about what's actually happening.
I didn't think "good and terrified" worked very well when trying to create a scene like this, I want darker, more powerful words, to really feel the MC's fear. Same with "liven my gait" - this brings to mind somebody skipping off to the shops on a nice Spring day.
Still, it's an interesting opening, I'd just like to sense more of the fear the MC is feeling and maybe a glimpse of what The Claimant actually is to really hook me. Is it finished yet?
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I agree with monstewer that the tension is lessened by the fact that this is a dream. On the other hand, since he's "been there for ten months", I'm wondering if it is really a dream, and if so, if it is some special kind of dream. I think this will work if it gets cleared up soon (or at least, if we get more hints), but I don't want to be kept wondering for too long if all this is real or not. Also, "I turn the corner onto Maiden Avenue" felt like an abrupt shift. A little transition would help (even a skipped line might work). Let me know if you want readers. Jon.
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posted
This opening is a big step in the right direction - and could hit the mark with a few changes. It does have me curious, has my interest. Menstewer has a good point in that "good and terrified" just does not work. You miss a great chance to demonstrate this to us without being so direct: "I changed the locks on the house, blew a couple grand on a home security system, even thought of buying a guard dog." - or something similar. We see that not only is he terrified, but learn more about the situation in the process. Something like this is more convincing, informative and interesting.
True, we do not know why he is being stalked, but I trust that information will follow - what is provided has me curious enough to read on.
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I don't understand the dream reference either. Somehow I ignored it, assumed there was reality here and hoped that the dream thing would become clear later, though not perhaps in the first 13.
Also, I thought his ten month wait was inconsistent with dreaming. And I wondered where 'there' might be.
I think the hook is 'The Claimant draws near.' Since the narrator knows who 'he' is, why not start with, 'The Claimant is watching me'?
Is there a connection between turning into Maiden Avenue and the light flickering off? It distracted me because I live in a world where turning a corner in a hotel or office building can make lights come on.
I think you either liven up a gait or enliven it. Either way though, it sounds a bit relaxed for someone starting to feel terrified.
Finally, is it fantasy or horror - I ask because to me it portends a horror story, and while I'll sometimes read F I avoid H.
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The "deal" with the dream is that it *isn't* too far removed from how the MC lives, or ha been living for the past ten months. I like the idea of started with a dream, since it shows what the damage the MC's waking life has been doing to him, and yet by being completely honest, I don't pull a soap opera trick.
Jon Ruyle has the idea, the dream is a reflection of the waking life, and he'll awaken quite soon.
As for the locks, locks are only good against mortals, and that's all I'll say.
As for genre? Dark fantasy, I'd say. Hell and demons. Fire and brimstone.
[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited August 31, 2007).]
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