I am on flashfire. Comments on the first thirteen of this flash would be greatly appreciated.

“Moloki heavy.” The digital voice sounded from the transvocalizer. Earths gravity weighed on the bonobo, causing him to walk on all fours.
“Yes, Moloki, I too am heavy. Be calm friend.” The child prince, Samouri, wished he could do more to ease his nervous childhood companion. The duration of their visit to earth was unknown. He would show Moloki the nature of his origins. Returning to the continent of their beginnings, they would see wild bonobos and chimpanzees.
But the geneticists’ needed his approval to continue with the Homo erectus project. It had become an issue of great ethical debate amongst the counsel.
“Welcome to earth, majesty. Atmoshpere quality has improved

“Moloki heavy.” The digital voice sounded from the transvocalizer. Earths Needs appostrophe gravity weighed on the bonobo, causing him to walk on all fours.
“Yes, Moloki, I too am heavy. Be calm friend.” The child prince, Samouri, wished he could do more to ease his nervous childhood companion. The duration of their visit to earth was unknown. He would show Moloki the nature of his origins. Returning to the continent of their beginnings, they would see wild bonobos and chimpanzees.
But Not sure why there's a "but" here in the transition. The following sentence doesn't seem to counter the previous one. Nor does it seem to flow logically from it. I think you're implying Moloki is being used for the experiment, but it's not really clear and I'm making a big leap to make that assumption the geneticists’ No apostrophe--it's not a possessive or a contractionneeded his approval to continue with the Homo erectus Usually species names are italicizedproject. It had become an issue of great ethical debate amongst the counsel Council is the noun form. Counsel is a verb. But what council? The boy's home council? I thought you could reword to make this a little more specific.
“Welcome to earthEarth, majesty. Maybe a tag here--"the pilot said" or "the ship's console said Atmoshpere quality has improved

Over all, I'm hooked. I like the relationship between the child prince and the bonobo. I like the potential that I see in the story, both in their relationship and in their quest, as well as the pending conflict created by this Homo erectus project.

I got confused with the characters. I thought the bonobo was complaining about the weight of Moloki because he (it's a male chimp?) is carrying him, her or it; but then the child prince talks as though he's being carried, but he's not called Moloki ... I'm definitely confused.

I wonder if this is the kind of confusion OSC talks of when he says that if characters have alternative names or descriptions, they should be clear from the start. Thus, if Moloki is the bonobo, it should be clear in the first line or two--especially if he refers to himself by his own name instead of "me" or "I".

As I write this it occurs to me (because of the discussion about naming the device, which I assume is being used in this story) that the bonobo doesn't speak good English, his name is Moloki and he's complaining about the weight of the child prince, but using just two words. If that's the case, I'd suggest it's a bit obscure for the opening lines. We'd need some familiarity with how he "speaks" to be able to make sense of this.

Also, I figured it was the bonobo's transvocaliser because of the discussion about devices. Perhaps "from the transvocalizer" should be "from the bonobo's transvocalizer".

The child prince's name gave me pause for thought. It's rather like "Samurai" and I wondered if it was a misspelling, an allusion to the Japanese warriors, or not at all significant. If there's no connection, maybe it should be something else?

Some problems with apostrophes. "Earths" needs one, but I don't see that the geneticists do. I too don't see the need for the "But" before the geneticists. I wondered about caps for both words in Homo erectus, but now that I look it up, I see you are right.

Like Annepin, I think the "Welcome to Earth ..." needs a tag, unless it comes real soon and got cut off by the first 13. Caps for "Earth"--and for "Majesty"?

Finally, I think "atmoshpere" is a wonderful word, some kind of drunken French father perhaps, but I doubt it's what you intended.

All that said (and I would not have spent the time on this crit if the story were unattractive) it's an interesting start. I'd read on, definitely. I suspect that, given the discussion on naming the device, you'll revise this, so I'll offer to read the next version, partly at least because I can't get to reading it for a week or two. (If you can wait, send it.)

Sounds a bit like Sean Connery pronouncing it. Obviously it should be atmosphere.

This sentence could be improved. It is unclear who is speaking, the ape or the transvocaliser. I think you could insert all the details in a better construction. I am presuming this is attached to the ape (the TV). if you move the chimp's name into the sentence after the dialogue, e.g.

“Me heavy.” Moloki's sythesised voice made Samouri turn to the chimp.

"Yes, Moloki, I too am heavy..."

Earth's gravity weighed on the bonobo, (causing him to) forcing him on all fours.(Interesting because a chimp is stronger than a human)

“Yes, Moloki, I too am heavy. Be calm friend.” The child prince, Samouri, wished he could do more to ease his nervous (childhood--you just said he was child prince--this is redundant) companion. (The duration of their visit to earth was unknown--doesn't add anything in the first 13). He would show Moloki (the nature of) his origins. Returning to the continent of their (Samouri is an ape too?) beginnings, they would see wild bonobos and chimpanzees.
But the geneticists’ needed his approval to continue with the Homo Erectus (capitalise both) project. It had become an issue of great ethical debate amongst the counsel.
“Welcome to earth, Majesty (majesty is a state of kinglyness(?). Majesty as a name is with a capital especially as they are royal). Atmoshpere (Yesh, Mishter Connery) quality has improved

I would read on.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 26, 2008).]

I am not sure my intention of showing that it is the weight of Earth's gravity weighing on them after time in null-g. Based on the comments. I will work on clearing that up if it is the case.

In scientific names, the family is capatilized but not species. I corrected the italics.

I am debating on the use of a posessive pronoun. Me instead of Moloki. While bonobos are able to express some abstract terms like it and the, they do not have the ability to apply that term to themselves. They always express themselves as by their name. The translator could perhaps distinguish this for him, but I want it to ring true. If the overall benefit to the story prevails, I might compromise.

Does this read better?

I think the problem is you say earth's gravity. I assumed he was used to a lighter gravity on the ship (but not zero-g), or another planet--the one he came from. In sci-fi most ships seem equipped with some form of artificial gravity--I took it for granted that they had travelled on such a ship from the context.

How far in the future is this? Tech had to be seen to be futuristic. I saw a program where a chimp used a basic keyboard (icons) that synthesized speech... so if this is a in a few hundred years time I would expect your Bonobo to have an artificial (or gentically engineered) voice box in its throat, and possible a brain implant to help it construct sentences-especially if it is the companion of a prince.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 26, 2008).]

"The synthesized voice from the bonobo's transvocator sounded" sounds a bit clunky to me. Maybe at this point we only need to know the voice is synthesized, and the detail of the transvocator could come later.

"The duration of their visit to earth was unknown. " sounds rather passive to me. Maybe, "He didn't know how long they'd stay on Earth, how long it would take to show Moloki the nature of his origins ..."

And, as Annepin said, it's "Earth's" and "council", and the cap for "Earth" should be consistent everywhere.

I'd like to read it. There's potential for a very strong story here, exploring the nature of ethics and power in a future where chimps can communicate.

I'll also point out that if I were making a voice translator program, I would include the first-person pronoun. The only reason I can think of not to is to make sure that the person speaking sounds like we imagine a monkey would talk...but that imagining doesn't hold up when I look at it.

Just as a sample of what I mean by POV: if it were like this, we'd know by "It looked like" that Moloki wasn't the viewpoint character, and by "Samouri supposed" that Samouri was. We also don't have to wonder if Moloki and the bonobo are different characters.

quote:

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"I am too heavy,” Moloki said, through the transvocator he carried. It looked like Earth's gravity was weighing heavy on him -- he was on all fours, which wasn't that unusual for a monkey, Samouri supposed, but ...

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