posted
Greetings. This story is partly inspired by the Guster song, "Satellite", and involves on of the characters from "Night of the Black Diamond."
There probably isnt going to be a lot of conflict in this story...its something a little different. I'd like thoughts on this bit, and volunteers to read it all once its finished.
Caden ran into his room, and slammed the door behind him. He threw himself down on the bed, and tried not to cry. It didn’t work. He had gotten into another fight with the bullies at school, and like always his mom had blamed him. And like always, his dad didn’t say anything. He laid there, tears pushing their way past his eyelids as he tried not to sob. He wished he didn’t have to hide what he could do; while his mother was yelling at him, telling him how he had better stop causing problems it had been so hard not to reach out with his power. He wondered how she’d act after having to go around blind for a few hours.
I can't find a lot wrong with this. The only thing that bothered me was that so many sentences start with 'He'. I counted 5 of the 8 that start that way and one other starts with the boy's name. Seems repetitive.
Also, depending on the PoV you are going for, I think that the mother/mom character should be addressed as either Mom or Mother depending on how the PoV character/narrator views her. Here is my rework, I'm not sure it's any better.
quote:Caden ran into his room and slammed the door behind him. He threw himself on the bed as he tried not to cry. It did not work. The bullies in school had cornered him again; He had to fight them. As usual, his mom had blamed him and his dad didn’t say a word. Laying there, tears squeezing through closed eyelids, he tried not to sob. Why couldn’t he show off his powers? Perhaps if it wasn’t such a secret he wouldn’t have felt such a strong urge to reach out with his gift when his mom was chastising him. Caden smirked as he wondered how she would act after being blind for a few hours.
posted
I like the sound of this. I'm definitely interested in what's going to happen next and how Caden's problems are going to get worked out.
I didn't see much wrong either, just a little phrasing. I have to say I'm really nit-picky on that stuff sometimes.
First the commas I think. With just "and" and the one line of business following it, I don't think it's necessary. Also I think maybe vary up the "and"'s because they come off as choppy. Here: He had gotten into another fight with the bullies at school, and like always his mom had blamed him. And like always, his dad didn’t say anything. I like the "and"s though.
Also, I agree with Anthony about the "he"'s.
This reads well though and I'm interested like I said before. I wouldn't mind reading over it at all. You'd be my first
posted
This is interesting enough. The narration, POV and situation makes me think of this as a young readers story though. I have read enough of your prose to know that you are capable, and therefore if it is not your intention, I would add some flare here to avoid derailing a slush editor.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I'm sorry -- it's my big problem, but when this was rewritten to say
Laying there, tears squeezing through closed eyelids, h
I have to ask, laying WHAT there? Laying requires an object. You can say -- laying an egg there or laying a book there or laying down the law there. Just not Laying there.
The correct term is Lying there, tears squeezing....
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 16, 2008).]
quote:I'm sorry -- it's my big problem, but when this was rewritten to say
Laying there, tears squeezing through closed eyelids, h
I have to ask, laying WHAT there? Laying requires an object. You can say -- laying an egg there or laying a book there or laying down the law there. Just not Laying there.
The correct term is Lying there, tears squeezing....
posted
I seem to be in the minority but I'd rather see the scene in the house - mom blaming, dad mute, the kid reaching out - than hear about it. I'd tuned this out by the time the line about the mom going blind came up.
posted
thanks for the input and read offers. Its coming along slower than I'd hoped, but I will get it to those that offered as soon as I finish.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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TheOnceandFutureMe
unregistered
posted
Repetition makes the reader aware of the writer. The structure of the first to sentences is identical - I'm knocked off the page. You repeat "like always" - I'm knocked off the page.
Rather wordy. For example:
quote: Caden ran into his room, and slammed the door behind him.
Either he ran into his room and slammed the door, or he slammed the door to his room behind him. Once I know he is in his room, I don't need to read "behind." I already know that.
I think the whole first 13 could stand a trimming. Great hook, though.
posted
I would also be interested in taking a look at it, if you don't mind a beginner critiquing your work.
Posts: 323 | Registered: Feb 2008
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