“Gettin’ off early today, Eugene,” the plump, sunburnt driver smirked under his blue hexagonal hat, lowering his head until his knowing eyes barely peered from below the rim. The dirty bus squeeled to a stop in the Florida mid-summer swealter, jolting Eugene off balance for a moment as he tightened his sweaty grip on the pole by the door. He forced a crooked smile for the driver. “You know, I thought I’d mix it up a bit. Can’t stay in the same place for too long, am I right, Bill?” Bill just nodded and huffed as he rolled over to reach the door lever. Sweat dripped from his fat fingers and glistened as it slid down the worn handle. The folding glass door lurched open, and the steam rising from the blinding white
I'd love further critique! Ask and ye shall receive.
- I believe the bus drivers name is Bill, I would mention his name in the first line after the dialogue so as we know this right away so as to deter any confusion later on. Also, when I first read it I thought the first line was a statement the bus driver was making, e.g. - Bill was gettin off early today and was telling eugene this - later on it appears eugene is the one getting off early. Simple question mark fix.
- for some reason, "hexagonal hat" doesn't sit well with me, perhaps because I wouldn't notice a hat is hexagonal, i'd just describe it as being blue.
-"Bill just nodded and huffed as he rolled over to reach..." This made me laugh, because I got an image of a fat sweaty busdriver doing a commando roll over to the door lever. might want to consider revising this sentence.
-"Sweat dripped from his fat fingers..." I think your starting to go a bit over the top with the description on this last sentence.
I would continue reading because I enjoyed the writing. But, that being said, I do feel a bit too much emphasis has been put on imagery and description - You need to try and get your hook into this somehow too. On a basic level, all that is going on is a guy getting off the bus, and its really hot. I would cut some of the references to the hot day and try to squeeze the hook in.
posted
Not much hooking me at the moment, but the scene doesn't lack for vividness. I think you could probably trim this 13 lines down by half, and improve it greatly, leaving you time to hint at the conflict to come. Here's some detailed comments:
“Gettin’ off early today, Eugene,” the plump, sunburnt driver smirked under his blue hexagonal hat, lowering his head until his knowing eyes barely peered from below the rim.I get totally lost in this massive dialogue tag. You could probably end the sentence at "hat", and start an new one for the "eyes lowering" part. Also, hexagonal was hard to picture in hat form. Try a strong verb instead of "barely peered" (adverbs begone!)
The dirty bus squeeled to a stop in the Florida mid-summer swealter (swelter), jolting Eugene off balance for a moment as he tightened his sweaty grip on the pole by the door. I could do with less adjectives and more clarity. Also, the heat of the day doesn't really have anything to do with the bus stopping, so it feels like an info dump. If you feel you must do a weather report, you should throw it in to explain an action that occurs because of it.
He forced a crooked smile for the driver. “You know, I thought I’d mix it up a bit. Can’t stay in the same place for too long, am I right, Bill?” It's been so long since the question he's answering was asked, that I forgot what it was, simplifying the sentences above will help with this pacing issue.
Bill just nodded and huffedcouldn't picture this as he rolled over rolled? to reach the door lever. Sweat dripped from his fat fingers and glistened as it slid down the worn handle. again, a little over-written The folding glass door lurched open, and the steam rising from the blinding white
Overall, I like the gritty feel, and vividness you're creating. Again though, we don't really get any hook or hint of conflict.
My two cents.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 26, 2008).]
posted
Thanks to you both... I do have problems with rambling and throwing in too many adjectives. I just see it as a movie in my head, and I toss a thousand words a sentence onto the paper to try and replicate that vision. I know it gets bogged down, but I can't help it.
On a side note, Devnal, you said:
quote:"Bill just nodded and huffed as he rolled over to reach..." This made me laugh, because I got an image of a fat sweaty busdriver doing a commando roll over to the door lever. might want to consider revising this sentence.
Pretty much the bizarre sight I was intending :-)
I'll revise a bit later, when I'm not at work :-P I suppose I need to work on the hook (what hook?), too...
[This message has been edited by tmoraca (edited August 26, 2008).]
posted
Some cutting would help the story shine a bit. What I mean is you spend, 13 words telling me it's hot outside and/or that people are sweating. Tell me once. Out of all the times you tell me, I like the last time - Sweat dripped from his fat fingers and glistened as it slid down the worn handle - the best.
Because the POV knows the bus driver's name, so should I when he first speaks.
My take:
quote: “Gettin’ off early today, Eugene ? ” Bill the plump, sunburnt driver smirked under his blue hexagonal hat <-- you could probably cut all of this , lower ed his head until his knowing eyes barely peered from below the rim of his blue hexagonal hat .
The dirty bus squeeled to a stop in the Florida mid-summer swealter nice place setting but it probably can wait a few lines , jolting Eugene off balance for a moment as he tightened his sweaty doesn't the bus have AC? Every bus I've ever been on in Fla has had AC. grip on the pole by the door. He forced a crooked smile for the driver. “You know, I thought I’d mix it up a bit. Can’t stay in the same place for too long, am I right, Bill?” I'm not sure what this dialog is for. It doesn't seem like a natural response to the question. Bill just nodded and huffed as he rolled over to reach the door lever. Sweat dripped from his fat fingers and glistened as it slid down the worn handle. The folding glass door lurched open, and the steam rising from the blinding white
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited August 26, 2008).]
posted
I'm mildly intrigued. At least enough to see what's on the next page.
That first line though almost stopped me cold. It's waaaay too long. It left me feeling breathless, and it's so thick with adjectives it feels clumsy and like it's trying a bit too hard to call attention to the bus driver. Which is odd because Eugene leaves the bus by the end of the 13 lines.
I'd offer to read but I'm a bit short on time at the moment. If you don't mind my taking a couple weeks, then send it along.
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