posted
Alright, the question: does this hook you enough to want to keep reading? Also, any offers to read the whole story are much appreciated.
I knew a toymaker once, a quiet, smiling man who loved to delight children with his toys. He’s still with me literally, and yet in every way that counts he’s gone and may never come back. I’ve never told anyone the full story of how it happened because I doubt they’d believe me. I’m not even sure what I believe. But the fact is this: the toymaker’s name is Johan Renard, and he is my grandfather. I need to tell this story - maybe my soul depends on it.
My grandfather always looked old - white hair, white moustache, white everything everywhere. But he smiled a lot and his eyes sparkled, especially when I was young and inquisitive about how to make toys. Toy making was his passion, and since he raised me after my parents died ...
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Okay, so here's the somewhat edited version:
I knew a toymaker once, a quiet, smiling man. He’s still with me literally, and yet in every way that counts he’s gone and may never come back. I’ve never told anyone the full story of how it happened because I doubt they’d believe me. I’m not even sure what I believe. But the fact is this: the toymaker is my grandfather. I need to tell his story.
My grandfather always looked old - white hair, white moustache, white everything everywhere. But he smiled a lot and his eyes sparkled. Toy making was his passion, and since he raised me after my parents died in a car crash, I came to know the craft well.
“Put your heart into the work, Klaus,” he’d always tell me. He’d smile each time he said that, as if sharing a secret ...
[This message has been edited by EchoLaughing (edited January 28, 2009).]
posted
Good start, but I think it could use some tweaking.
The first sentence starts off well, but I think it's assumed that toymakers want to delight children with their toys and therefore can go unsaid. The second sentence intrigues me but feels like you're holding back information. Is he dead? If so, why don't you say that? Third sentence: Feels wordy and I don't know what "it" is. The last sentence of that paragraph seems unnecessary. The image that comes to mind at your description of the toymaker is Santa Claus; don't know if that's what you're aiming for.
posted
I knew a toymaker once, a quiet, smiling man who loved to delight children with his toys. He’s still with me literally, and yet in every way that counts he’s gone and may never come back [This sentence confused me, I think “literally” followed by “in every way that counts” is hard to follow]. I’ve never told anyone the full story of how it happened because I doubt they’d believe me [Comes over as coy, withholding. “it happened” is very vague.]. I’m not even sure what I believe. But the fact is this: the toymaker’s name is [was?] Johan Renard and he is my grandfather. I need to tell this story - maybe my soul depends on it. [A little melodramatic. “I need to tell his story” is enough, for me.]
My grandfather always looked old - white hair, white moustache, white everything, everywhere. But he smiled a lot and his eyes sparkled, especially when I was young and inquisitive about how to make toys [Consider killing this. It adds little]. Toy making was his passion, and since he raised me after my parents died
I've developed an unhealthy interest in magical realism lately and I'd be happy to crit the whole thing.
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited January 26, 2009).]
posted
Seconding the things Jennifer and Toby said. I'd add more, but they've already said the things I would say.
I will disagree with Toby on the second sentence. I really liked how it was worded. See what others say, though.
It's pretty good. It does pull me in. But it would pull me in more if I knew what happened to his grandfather. If the main character knows what happened, then we should know. Withholding the information from us, just for suspense, feels a bit tacky.
Wouldn't the MC think of Johan Renard first as his/her grandfather then as a toymaker? It doesn't seem natural the way it is posed here. Especially if he raised the MC... Also, if this is going to be 1st person POV then there should be some immediate clues about who the narrator is. I also agree with other posters that the second sentence is very ambiguous and probably self-contradictory, particularly due to the use of "literally."
With some revisions this could be a more interesting opening.
posted
"I’ve never told anyone the full story of how it happened because I doubt they’d believe me. I’m not even sure what I believe."
I'd replace it with "I'm not even sure what I believe myself."
"My grandfather always looked old - white hair, white moustache, white everything everywhere."
Ha, I really love this line. Just as a compliment, it adds a sense of warmth and humor to a possibly sad story.
"...especially when I was young and inquisitive about how to make toys." Remove/replace this part. It is not necessary and the wording is too straightforward.
Send me the whole thing.
[This message has been edited by Jojiro (edited January 27, 2009).]
quote:Toby, out of curiousity, what books/authors of magic realism have you been reading?
Most recently, The Enchantress of Florence by Salman Rushdie, though I meant more that it's a genre I've been trying to write in myself, with results most kindly described as variable.
quote:Most recently, The Enchantress of Florence by Salman Rushdie, though I meant more that it's a genre I've been trying to write in myself, with results most kindly described as variable.
Ah, I've never read any of Rushdie's stuff. How is it?
It's not exactly magic realism (more like a big melting pot of fantasy sub-genres), but my most recent favourite book is The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
Hehe, I've had the same trouble with my writing. I think it's because magic realism is more about the characters than the fantasy, so it's kind of like walking a tight rope, you need just the right balance of both.
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