Garrison hated doing business in the North; once you crossed over the river the whole place seemed to smell of barnyard, the woman included. Garrison sighed as he thought about what he left behind in Antle.

***Note - I edited based on Nick's suggestion.

Welcome to Hatrack!

Firstly, the 1st sentence is a run-on sentence and that’s hard work for the reader. I’d suggest breaking it up. For example, there are at least three things you’re trying to say in your first sentence:

> The ride to Ravenspur had been a long one and Garrison is ready to sit down.
> He likes a certain type of wine.
> He’s standing in the Golden Griffin.

I’d personally take three sentences to explain those facts, not one. My rule-of-thumb for checking whether I’ve written a run on sentence is when I’ve used more than two commas (excluding lists) or conjunctions.

I also suspect that you’ve started the story too early. I personally try and start the story right at the point where the protagonist’s life has changed in some manner. Other people take a different approach, but for short stories, a common tactic is to start where something happens (as broad as that is).

I’d take the 1st sentence:

> The ride to Ravenspur had been a long one and Garrison was ready to sit down

And then get into whatever happens at the Golden Griffin that drives the story. The description of the bar, etc. can wait until after the inciting event. As it stands, the 1st 13 is a little bit hook-less for my tastes.

Regards,

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 19, 2009).]

In truth, I have five interwining POV's that introduce the MC's...since I almost always write ensemble pieces...before I bring them all together for the main story. My goal is to expand upon the basic premise and streamline the plot a bit.

I have good chunk written already and would give anyone the full story to see if there is enough there to work with.

quote:

---

(1)The ride to Ravenspur had been a long one and Garrison was ready to sit down, have a warm meal and glass of wine(2), preferably a chardonnay from one of the Malis vineyards in the Midlands, though that was probably (3)to much to ask from the swill hole he was now standing in called the Golden Griffon. It was a ridiculous name, Garrison had seen a griffon once and it seemed unconscionable to put its name and likeness on a sign that should have read “the Horse’s Hind Inn”.

Garrison hated doing business in the North; once you crossed over the river the whole place seemed to smell of barnyard, the woman included. (4)Garrison sighed as he thought about what he left behind in Antle.

---

1) In my experience, an opening sentence forms more of a first impression than the opening fragment, and it more than the whole opening scene. It's just a function of engaging reader interest and momentum. I also find the best openings are ones that clearly create that contract with the reader which tells what the story is about. For an idea story it might be the overall question the story will answer, for a milieu story it might be the overall scene. I didn't get that connection with this opening.

2) Though this opening sentence isn't the longest I've seen, it seems a bit unwieldy. It says several things:
* The PoV character is named Garrison,
* he has been on a long ride,
* he is in Ravenspur,
* he is tired,
* he'd like a particular wine,
* the inn is dilapidated, and
* its name is Golden Griffon.
I found myself overwhelmed. Perhaps I'm just a fan of tighter prose, but could this be split up? ie, even keeping the text almost identical: "The ride to Ravenspur had been a long one and Garrison was ready to sit down, have a warm meal and a glass of wine. A chardonnay from one of the Malis vineyards in the Midlands would do nicely, though that was probably too much to ask from this swill hole...."

3) There were what seemed to me to be typos or copy editing errors that made it a little harder to connect and give a proper critique - 'probably too much', 'to smell of barnyards', 'the women included'.

4) I'm worried that we've not really had any action yet, and we're already resorting to a flashback. As a reader I usually want to connect to what's happening in the now of the story first - something I've not yet been able to do here.

I have a tendancy to write the way I view that character. Garrison would be my equivilent of a fantasy metrosexual and I wanted to make him a bit vapid and whiny. Consider Mike Greenberg from Mike and Mike in the Morning, if he was a bounty hunter. He does like a good fight, but what he really likes is the money from the bounties and the finer things in life it allows him.

Anyhow, thank you for the comments. I am going to move this over to the novel section, because that is where it should be. When I originally posted, I wasn't playing close enough attention to realize it was a short story section...(newb!!)

I would welcome any further comments and would gladly send anyone further writing.

I think a stronger way to establish a begining is to have him doing something while thinking some of these thoughts. Then he can be reacting to the situation therefore prompting the thoughts naturally.

The way you currently have it he stands in the tavern just thinking stuff, which is a conveniently disguised infodump about his whereabouts.

Why not have him interacting with the barman--arguing or something that shows us a little about his character and allows pertinent info to be woven in naturally.

Garrison frowned and spat the ale back into the tankard. It was rancid, with a fishy after taste. He turned to the Golden Griffon's barkeep.
"I asked for your best ale and this..." He tipped the ale across the wooden bar top. "is not the best."

blah,blah...

Involve me in your story, create a situation that draws me while allowing you dispense information as required. A small argument with a barmn should allow you put in stuff about his long ride (I just want a decent drink after three days in the saddle), the tavern etc.

Try it.