I started coming up with this about a week ago... comments are always appreciated. I don't know how many lines this is, (I'm working off a .txt file) so I'll post the first three paragraphs.

I first knew it would happen when I was a young man,barely twenty. I lived in Canada, and durring the winter of my 20th year, I stood in my shower as I used to love doing, the warm water rushing over my shoulders, soaking my hair, cleansing my body, as my mind drifted like steam in the bathhroom.

I stood, pondering life, the world, what mark I would make upon it, considering how to make that mark. In those days, I simply thought I'd make the world a better place by opening a bed and breakfast, a small inn or pub, on the east coast of my nation. How to go about it, I wondered. There was a saying in those times; knowledge is power. Power. How did we spread our knowledge? Through the internet, on TV, radio.

It dawned on me then: we'd been broadcasting everything about ourselves into space. From Hitler's Time, we'd been throwing our Radio and Television waves deep into the reaches of space. My own computer at home used SETI; the Search for Extra Terrestrial Life. It analized little segments that the radio telescopes pointed at the stars received. We were already listening for who might be out there, but I realised then, it was a futile effort.

On the other hand, some of the allusions you have made, without actually stating outright what's going on, are intriguing. We can safely assumed (I hope) that showers are not avaialble any longer, that "my nation" either s not as it once was or the main character no longer lives there.

I just wanted to get you to think about that possibility. Anyway, on to other things....the last paragraph needs to be cut, the one starting "It dawned on me..." It was so contrived I was calling BS on you. The leap from opening a small inn or whatever to radio signals going into space, is absurd. I know human brains can make connections like you've described, but somehow they don't translate onto paper.

And one last thing that I just thought of. Y ou've spent four paragraphs talking about a man in a shower. Liek I said earlier, you actually did a nice job of describing the forthcoming danger to us without really stating it, but really, 4 paragraphs in a shower? If this is a short story I'd say get on with it. If this is a novel I'd still say get on with it. Unles something is about to come jump on him in the shower in the next paragraph, that is, but still you can shorten the shower scene.

So, all that being said something about this did catch my attention, so it's got some definite promise.

Too much shower stuff for sure, but a little trimming and you're off to a good start:

I first knew it would happen when I was a young man, barely twenty. I lived in Canada, and during the winter of my 20th year, I stood in my shower as I used to love doing. I stood, pondering life, the world, what mark I would make upon it, considering how to make that mark. In those days, I simply thought I'd make the world a better place by opening a bed and breakfast, a small inn or pub.

There was a saying in those times: Knowledge is power. Power. How did we spread our knowledge? Through the internet, on TV, radio. It dawned on me then: We'd been broadcasting everything about ourselves into space. From Hitler's time, we'd been throwing our radio and television waves deep into the reaches of space. My own computer at home used SETI, the Search for Extra Terrestrial Life, which analyzed little segments that the radio telescopes pointed at the stars received.

We were already listening for who might be out there, but as I realized in that shower, it was a futile effort.

Still first-draft, but it's tighter.

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited January 22, 2004).]

It's just a possibility, but maybe switching the order would make this stronger- start off with a dash of the intriguing radio waves/SETI stuff, and then segue into something like "I was barely twenty when this slapped me in the face. Just an ordinary day, me standing there in the shower, my mind drifting like steam. By now there are no showers, and even the nation that steamy bathrom was in has crumbled to dust." and then into the backstory. (Bad example, I know.)

Nits- Mentioning "twenty" twice in two sentences is distracting; capitalizing Time, Radio, and Television is also distracting, at least to me. I agree on skipping the dawning of the idea.

"pub, on the east coast of my nation."

The "of my nation" is just very, very unnatural.

"*dun dun DAH* "

Please tell me that is not part of the actual 13 lines. If it is, it doesn't say good things about the character. I don't want a hero who hears the same Godzilla music cues I hear.

On the whole, intriguing, but vague. I don't mind being told to look out for an "it," but, well, a simple "it" misses the mark, because we still don't have any kind of lens through which to view the supporting paragraphs. "What the heck am I looking for?" is the question that runs through my tiny, simple brain. Change "it" to a different word, any single word that at least hints of the type of event or epiphany to look for (you can even do a clever misdirect, if it's not too jarring to reason), and suddenly the following paragraphs become that much more interesting.

The "it" we should be watching out for gets named about two paragraphs after the three I posted.

I'm not sure what this will end up being, short story, novella, full blown novel series... I've got events placed in my mind, just don't know how I'll get between them.

Several replies have included "intriguing" which I really appreciate. I know if after reading the first page of a book in a library, I'm not interested, that book isn't coming home with me. So I guess I was aiming that whole section as a ginormous hook.

as to "getting on with it", Christine, I think I agree. It does need to be slimmed down a lot. *I blame recent popular writers like Robert Jordan who write so much detail into their stories that the story itself gets lost.* personal oppinion. :P so I guess I'll have to break the habit of putting so much detail in. I've always figured that details can make or break anything, too much isn't alway better, I guess.

The last paragraph kinda does seem contrived, but that is how I thought of it, actually standing in the shower. That first set of paragraphs is pretty much me, and what I was thinking. (I sat at my computer and wrote it as soon as I'd dried off. :P) Hence the 1st person PoV. I kinda abuse my characters, too... havn't picked a name for the main, but his life will certainly be different at the end... I kinda picture him in an alien prison, using his nose to type the story.

no spoilers, though. :D

(the revision looks good, Kolona, thanks for the recomendations on where cutting can happen.)

Glad you like the drifting line, Gen. I guess what I'm trying to do is not so much focus on the technology of the story, how it's getting there, us listening... the explanation of SETI is there 'cause when the author is telling his tale, the listeners may not know what SETI was. I want to focus more on the events, the happenings and doings of the characters. That there are fewer opportunities to shower, and that the world as we know it is gone, those elements will come out, but all in time. They're common knowledge to an audience living in that decemated future.

quote:

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I've got events placed in my mind, just don't know how I'll get between them.

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I'd recommend that you make sure you've got those events written up, at least in first draft, before you worry about how to get between them.

Get what you'ved worked out down on paper. If you don't, you run the risk of losing it. Once it's down on paper, then you can worry about connecting things.