posted
does this work for you? if not, i understand.
--
"A what?"
The man who ran the fruit stand on State Street nodded gravely. His beady eyes stared at Marcus White without blinking.
"You didn't answer me," Marcus said after a pause.
"A time machine," the man repeated. Marcus wondered if he'd heard correctly through the man's thick accent.
"A time machine?" he echoed uncertainly. He was half-expecting the punchline to follow, but the man looked deadly serious. Marcus had stopped to pick up a few fresh apples, intending them for breakfast on the way to the office. Now he was caught up in someone's idea of a joke.
"Look here," he said. "I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but I just want to buy these apples and..."
He trailed off, because the man was shaking his head.
It seems forced, though, to start it where you do. I would start a few moments earlier, maybe with the start of Marcus's conversation with the fruit-seller. The hook doesn't have to come _that_ fast. You can set the scene up, first.
Other than that, I wouldn't change much about it myself.
posted
Great dialogue, good writing, interesting introduction to one of the old standbys, and... Overall I have to agree with Jules that it feels just a touch forced. I feel like it starts just a little too late. Maybe adding one sentence involving the time machine in the first line of dialogue would make it feel a little less forced, or adding one line of narrative.
Posts: 253 | Registered: Jan 2004
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The man who ran the fruit stand on State Street nodded gravely. His beady eyes stared at Marcus without blinking.
"You didn't answer me," Marcus said after a pause.
"Time machine," the man repeated, and Marcus wondered if he'd heard correctly through the thick accent.
"A time machine?" he echoed uncertainly. He was half-expecting the punchline to follow, but the man looked deadly serious. Marcus had stopped to pick up a few fresh apples, intending them for breakfast on his way to the office. Now he was caught up in someone's idea of a joke.
"Look here," he said. "I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but I just want to buy these apples and..."
posted
I'll go against the grain here. Rather than add a few lines to the beginning, remove some and start with "The man who ran...." I'd also get rid of "You didn't answer...." and go right into "Time machine," the man repeated, and...." all in the same first paragraph.
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited March 16, 2004).]
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