I'm new to these forums and I'd like an opinion on the first thirteen lines of my science fiction novel. The idea of thirteen lines was a bit vague. This is thirteen lines in Microsoft Word.

And this is kind of a first draft as well so any comments are helpful. Thanking you in advance!

--

The people of Earth rejoiced as the sun set on the eve of the seven-hundredth anniversary of the day of Lucrece. Everywhere there was spontaneous cheering and laughter as people showed their feelings in joyous song. Bright showers of sparks rained down on the towns and villages while small children danced under the lights, spinning around and around.

At one place, however, all was quiet. No laughter. No music. No dancing. In fact, there was precious little sign anywhere in the large building that peace had come to Earth seven hundred years ago on this day.

Yet, it was this very place that should have contained the most merriment, for it was this building that was built by Lucrece herself to proclaim the dawn of a new, peaceful era.

What if, instead of doing such a grandiose description in omniscient viewpoint, you took the viewpoint (using 3rd Person Limited) of one of the characters at the table... e.g.

"[Character Name] knew that the rest of the planet was celebrating the peace Lucrece had brought some 700 years ago, but here, in the place that should contain the most merriment, all was solemn."

That would probably be as an interjection after you start out with some of the action of the scene--the character's thoughts would drift to that for a moment, perhaps.

Of course, if this is merely a prologue (though I hope you have a really good reason to use one, if so), or you really need to write the novel in Omniscient Third, then ignore me.

The only real problem with this hook is that, like most prologues, it conveys information about the setting without grounding you in the reality of the characters. Still, it does sound promising.

Your language is clear and evocative, you set the essentials of milieu effortlessly for the reader, and you establish the dramatic tension that will drive the story...or at least you seem to do all this (it is possible that this is the infamous opening that has nothing to do with the story ). And yet, there aren't any characters, all we see so far is human scenery. Not that human scenery is bad, but characters are vital.

AeroB1033: Actually it isn't really a prologue, but after thinking about your comment for a while, I think it could actually work quite well as a prologue. A prologue isn't necessary, per se, to the story, but it would help. I actually had another prologue before, which was an excerpt from a history book, but I had somebody else tell me that it didn't really draw the reader into the story. I'm probably going to incorporate that prologue into the actual story.

About the thirteen lines not grounding you in the reality of the characters, I understand you completely. I've started novels before and skipped the prologue entirely. Of course, I've found that I usually need to go back and read the prologue because I find that it actually conveys useful information.

The rest of this scene is kind of done in third person omniscient as well because none of the characters sitting around the table are main characters in the story. They are important, yes, but they don't appear again until chapter seven or eight (or further in, I have only written until chapter five).

rickfisher: That's a very good point you made. I just mentally ran through my favourite novels and none of them begin with a public event. They all begin by introducing people.

I think I will make this 'chapter' the prologue, unless, I can find a way to incorporate it into the actual story. It can be skipped with no real detriment to the reader... of course, it would still be better to read it.

I've written until about chapter five. Do you mind if I send you the current 'prologue' which is just an extract from a made-up history book and chapter one (which is where these thirteen lines come from). Chapter two is where the main character is introduced, hence my idea to scrap the prologue altogether and make chapter one the prologue.

Survivor: Thanks, I'm glad you like it.

Characters do appear about two paragraphs after this description. Not the main characters of the story, but characters nevertheless.

May I send chapter two to you when I've edited it for clarity and continuity?

The following is the (edited, thanks Rick again!) version of what is now going to be Chapter 1. By the way, I'm Australian. We use British spelling naturally. I've taken most of your advice on the excerpt, except, of course, the British spelling.

~

Nissa woke up with a gasp, feeling the sweat running into her eyes. She had dreamed of her parents again, of the night they were murdered. She bit her lip in an effort to not cry, but the tears disobediently leaked out of her eyes making a wet trickle on her face. A whimper escaped before she could stop it.

“Nissa?” whispered Trell, her voice sounding sleepy. “Are you okay?” Her voice echoed slightly in the small confined spaces of the ship cabin.

“Yeah.” Nissa took a deep, shuddering breath in an attempt to calm herself. “I’m fine, Trell. Really.”

But it was too late; Trell had risen to light a candle and now held the light up to Nissa’s face. “You’ve been crying!” she exclaimed.

“I haven’t!” Nissa said as she hastily wiped her face with her nightgown. She glared at the other girl. “Go to sleep.”

Casting her a dubious look, Trell went back to her mattress. “Are you sure?”

“By Lucrece!” Nissa snapped. “Just go back to sleep already. It’s nothing!”

(just a random stylistic comment, the paragraphs are indented in the actual story, the indents don't show here so I have used spaces between the paragraphs for ease of reading)