posted
Here are the first thirteen lines. I have a 3k word fragment if anyone wants to check it out. Advice and criticism please. Thank you.
Everything had been wrong since the baby came. Helen tried to avoid holding or touching her. Even thinking about how helpless she was made images of dropping the baby out the window and watching her splat on the ground fill Helen’s head. It was terrifying. She had only driven once since Wren’s birth, just around the corner to get Juniper from school. That had been a mistake, each time she saw an oncoming car she thought of steering into the other lane. It was almost a compulsion. Getting help was totally out of the question because doctors take away people's children. Even a holding a pen was frightening; only a slim thread kept her from ramming it through her hand. Tonight, though, everything had changed. The clearest thought she’d had in weeks came to her, one that she could not say no to. They could all be purified, herself and the children would be made new. All she needed was to douse them with holy water. And she knew how the water from the sink could become holy, it just needed to be boiled thoroughly.
[This message has been edited by Rat-Tantuski (edited July 08, 2004).]
But there seems to be a lack of conjuctions, in my opinion. Some sentences would be better joined together, and a few could stand a semi-colon, as well.
You have painted an excellent picture of an extremely sick and disturbing woman. All you need to do is make it flow a little better, not quite so stuttered. It also feels like your rushing it just a bit. But some people like that.
One example:
quote:Getting help was totally out of the question. Any doctor would take her children away if he heard any of this. Even a holding a pen was frightening. Only a slim thread kept her from ramming it through her hand.
Could be written as:
Getting help was totally out of the question, because any competent doctor would take her children away from her. Even holding a pen was frightening; only a slim thread kept her from ramming its tip through her hand.
I've colored it a bit, feel free to ingore it, and removed the gender reference of the doctor. Not all doctors are men... unless her doctor is and you cover it later... in which case, ignore that bit, too.
And one nitpick: ...each time she saw an oncoming car she thought of steering and into the other lane.
You might want to fix that...
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited July 08, 2004).]
posted
Great concept. I am concerned you hadn't yet gotten into the story. Sure, you don't have to be firmly into it yet -- but I'd personally prefer a little bit of action mixed in with the contemplation.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I disagree with Rahl. For me, the action IS the contemplation, the exploration of a (and I'm guessing here) post-partum psychotic and her struggle against herself. However, having had some experience with post-partum depression, I don't believe she would recognize that clearly that something wasn't right. It's a strange thing--you have strange thoughts and you're miserable, but your mind just doesn't make the connection that something is actually wrong with you.
Anyway, if it's not about P.P. then I'm way off, just ignore me.
posted
I'm with DJV on this one. Every story doesn't need to start with action (read "physical movement and or distress").
It seemed a bit disjointed to me, especially the first few lines. When I read the first 2 or 3 sentences, I thought, "Hmm, a bunch of unconnected sentences." After I read the rest, I went back and the first few sentences made sense, but not the first time through.
posted
An interesting (if somewhat disturbing) opening. I agree with one of the previous posters in that you need to add a few conjuctions in the mix, it would help the reading flow a little better. The only other comment was word choice, and is completely subjective. When you used the word 'splat' it brings to mind a somewhat comical sound/connotation, that does not seem to fit the mood you are going for... Just my opinion.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2004
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HSO - I definately see the lack of conjunctions issue and am working on it.
djvdakota - My character does have post partum psycosis. I have read a bit about the subject and some women have reported being aware that something was wrong, but didn't realize how serious it was.
Scapegoat - I see what you mean about splat. My intention was to use a word that you might use for a piece of fruit or something and apply it to a person to help show how distanced Helen is from her baby. But, if that isn't working I'll try to think of something else.
posted
...instead of splat, you could just say "fall to the ground." That would do, but then you might want to say from a second or third-storey floor or something, maybe higher.... depends on much you want the baby to splat.
posted
VERY good!!!! I liked it a lot. FIrst off you set up tention and at least this intial conflict. Also you let us know from the get go we're dealing with a character who's more than a lottle off kilter.
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