posted
I have a question about the last sentence of this paragraph, but I'm giving you the top for context.
quote:In her memory of the autumn, Josie stood in her bedroom while her dad sat on her bed looking through her notebook. Each spiral bound page had a careful chart drawn on it. The names of birds: Purple Martin, Starling, Sparrow, Blue Heron… one Bald Eagle. The date she saw them, where she saw them, how many she saw.
Techincally I think it should be, "The date she saw them; where she saw them; how many she saw." My POV character is 13 years old and the semi-colon feels too formal. Am I okay to stick with commas?
The names of birds The date she saw them Where she saw them How many she saw
Because you've expounded (ooo big word )upon the names and set them up as a separate sentence, why not list the other categories as their own sentences?
quote: Each spiral bound page had a careful chart drawn on it. The names of birds: Purple Martin, Starling, Sparrow, Blue Heron… one Bald Eagle. The date she saw them. Where she saw them. How many she saw.
posted
I don't think the last sentence is actually a complete sentence. You live three things (I know there is a word for a phrsae that essentially amounts to a thing but I don't know what it is.) but you have no subject or verb. For that matter, I think the sentence before it suffers from the same problem.
As it ahppens, I have read enough of your work to know that you often do not use complete sentences, but that I don't point these things out to you because it works with your style of writing and it flows well. However, since the sentence is not grammatically correct in the first place, I don't think that it maters whether you use commas or semicolons.
posted
As a person who kept such a list at 13 years old and as a person who has a mother who has kept a bird list for eighty years I think it would be interesting if you played with actually showing the list . As a reader I would be drawn deeper into the POV with actual dates and locations.You could show all kinds of story details. It wouldn't need years and you could note the weather if you wanted. Of course it's your story, just an idea that came to my mind.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited July 14, 2004).]
posted
Personal preference. Artistic license allows us to chuck grammar rules--as long as we can get the point across clearly. My confusion lies with the ordering of things. You wrote:
quote:The names of birds: Purple Martin, Starling, Sparrow, Blue Heron… one Bald Eagle. The date she saw them, where she saw them, how many she saw.
A list of birds is fine, but when you say 'one bald eagle' I'm thrown for a bit of a loop. I wasn't aware at this point that there was any counting going on. By simply putting the list of birds at the end of the passage you solve that confusion without drastically changing the wording, the rhythm or the flow.
"The names of birds, the date she saw them, where she saw them, how many she saw. [maybe add:] She ran her finger down the list--Purple Martin, Starling, Sparrow, Blue Heron... one Bald Eagle."
If I'm out of line in veering from your question, I apologize in advance.
posted
Any and all comments are welcome, Dakota. It's a good point about the way things are listed. Her dad is actually holding the list, so she's just remembering it. I think that's clear in context. I might pull the bald eagle... must think.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
The way you listed the bald eagle (with the ...) made me think it was important. But since you're so ready to cut it, it must not have been. You can make it less important and more just part of the list without having to cut it by numbering the other birds too in a simple comma to comma list.
IE. "Seven Purple Martins, nine hundred eighty-seven Starlings, forty-eight Sparrows, three Blue Herons, one Bald Eagle."
posted
The commas are fine. If I were to make the minimal change that would let me read this without any stumble, it would be to change the penultimate period to a dash. Or a colon would work, but the thirteen-year-old informality your looking for would work better with a dash.
Wait, I just noticed that you already have a colon at the start of that previous sentence! Hmm, I think it would be easy to edit around that one, however, and put the dash (or colon, if you want) in the place I suggested.
quote:Each spiral bound page had a careful chart drawn on it. The names of birds: Purple Martin, Starling, Sparrow, Blue Heron… one Bald Eagle. The date she saw them, where she saw them, how many she saw.
Sentence fragments are fine, judiciously used, but there is some confusion here. The 'Each' sentence (is it really a 'careful chart' or a 'carefully drawn' chart) is a bit vague, because, with the frags, it can be read as each page having a chart (of some kind), and bird names, dates, etc., or each page having a chart of bird names, dates, etc. <Each spiral bound page had a chart carefully drawn and filled with the names of birds -- Purple Martin, Starling, Sparrow, Blue Heron…one Bald Eagle -- and the date she saw them as well as where and how many of each.> I like the 'one bald eagle' set aside the way it is. Reads like a young teen. You can probably still get rid of the 'had' with some re-arrangement as well. Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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)upon the names and set them up as a separate sentence, why not list the other categories as their own sentences?
