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They set up their meager camp, and just as they were finishing up the sun sets. The sunset is an evil and proud red. As blood-red as a freshly cut limb from a man. The sun appears as if paying tribute to the over-proud brother of humble Jesus -- paying tribute to Lucifer -- to Satan, the devil of devils and the sneaky serpent. Red is a color of split personalities, it can be love, yet it can be evil. Both love and evil are extreme. And both demand to be seen. Evil is proud, and it deceives. Love is humble, yet knows it's strength.

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so what ya'll think? yeh, it's a little juvenile, i know it could be cleaned up grammatically to flow better, but i wrote this like, 4 or 5 yrs ago, back in jr high.

The imagery was a bit much. Descriptions for descriptions sake (which is what this made me feel like) bore your reader. I don't mind allegorical descriptions - it can help the reader really feel sunsets and other sensory images like that by relating it to tangible or familiar things to the reader. But unless there was some specific foreshadowing going on here to relate to a later incident in the story, maybe choose one description and leave it at that.

Was it just me or did the sentence about setting up the camp seem totally out of sync with the rest of the paragraph? It was like a piece of story or a sentence was missing between the set up of the camp and the description of the sunset. Maybe that's because I don't know the signifigance of the sun setting? Maybe it's because the tense changed? I can't describe in technial terms what I'm saying so I'll describe it like this. It seemed like the narrator went from describing the action at hand to waxing philosophical about sunsets. It doesn't feel right. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

let me give another excerpt, this one is the little intro thingy that i gave for the story before starting it:

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A long time ago, the planet Searth was made. Now, this planet, like Earth, is being plundered by us humans. NASA is experimenting on the planet and have sent their best. They have sent Viniece and Slicer. However, even though it is like Earth in many ways, it radiates, as our duo will soon learn, a certain evil.

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i dunno if that'll help all that much or not, leave me know if more is needed... the story is your typical event story, with both sci-fi and fantasy elements... in fact, i think i'm going to include another excerpt, from the same chapter:

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Slicer continues to use his holy power to lighten the massive sword and fences with the slow and clumsy devils. Viniece, however, is solemn and serious. Devils are nonmortal, they're spirits. No mortal weapon can harm them, but they met now what is least expected. Slicer and Viniece are mortals, yet they wield holy weapons and armor of pure energy. Pure and righteous flame.
The devils are frightened. They met the unheard of. Mortals with immense power. Unstoppable is the name of what they wield, and ultimately titanic. Then the devils run.

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hehe, yeah, the typical run-of-the-mill, overused plotline of good vs evil. poorly written in prolly the most juvenile form of omniscient pov ever... i did forewarn you that it was from years ago, didn't i?

i suppose that looking back, which this is really an exercise in doing, this story should really have been called futuristic fantasy, despite NASA shuttles...

ahh, i really need to get working on the new story i have as a wip... silly me and reminescing about the days when i was yet a juvenile wannabe... wait a minute, i still am :P

NOTE: my new story is very similar to this old one, except i am aiming at not being quite so cliche this time around, cliches get dusty with age, i want to do something that'll last awhile... also the prose will be much better, hehe, my narration in this old story sucked, way too much TELLING instead of letting the reader live it...

There were a couple things though. I agree with being careful about description for description's sake. Saying that the sunset was evil and proud is an empty "tell not show" kind of phrase. It could be eliminated without hurting much. Following on with something about it being blood red would suffice to set the mood.