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Author Topic: Another one
Worlds
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heres another story im working on, well the first 13 lines. Any and all comments are welcome.

The beach stretched out in front of, curving away from the ocean, disappearing into the black horizon. The water was dark except for where the moonlight reflected in small slivers of white across the ocean. Waves crashed onto the sand with the muffled sound of breaking glass, and then hissed as they receded. The sky was littered with sparkling dust.

I had never seen a landscape so beautiful.

I walked down the beach lazily, my mood somewhere between indifferent and apathetic. Three of my friends followed a ways behind me. I wanted to be alone bit I didn’t want to ask them to leave, so I distanced myself. They spoke quietly to each other, discussing the week. We were far from home.

A breeze ruffled through my hair and chilled my face. A drop of rain brought my gaze upward. The night sky was exploding. Back home, smog and lights usually masked the night sky, but not here. The stars shone down from every where in the universe. Staring up at the sky made me feel small, like my life would never have any effect on those stars. I suddenly felt worthless.

I gave up on trying to stare down the stars and focused on the beach. I gave up on trying to stare down the stars and focused on the beach. In front of me I saw a piece of bamboo. It was broken in half long ways, making a half cylinder. The first thing that came to my mind was “boat”. So I picked it up and waited for my friends.

[This message has been edited by Worlds (edited November 08, 2004).]


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tasf62
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I like the setting - the beach at night, and how it makes him feel. The mention of the boat sparked my interest in further developments.

I think this beginning would be stronger if you revised your fourth paragraph, made it your first, and then took it from there. The fourth paragraph caught my attention because it effectively tied the setting to the protagonist's emotions.

A breeze ruffled through my hair and chilled my face. A drop of rain brought my gaze upward.

I like the above image, focused on the protagonist.

The night sky was exploding.

Again, a nice image. Develop it more? Get rid of the passive verb "was" and just say "exploded." Add some more description? Exploded in the fading twilight?

Back home, smog and lights usually masked the night sky, but not here.

I like this sentence because it does dual duty, explains why the protagonist enjoys the view and gives some insight into his personal history.

The stars shone down from every where in the universe.

I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish with this sentence. Develop it or cut it.

Staring up at the sky made me feel small, like my life would never have any effect on those stars. I suddenly felt worthless.

This is setting the tone for your story. Your protagonist is feeling lost for another reason as well, the reason you will explore in the rest of the story.

If you started like this, I'm not sure what you'd introduce next: the boat or the friends. Only you know where the story is going.


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Phanto
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Quote: The beach stretched out in front of, curving away from the ocean, disappearing into the black horizon.

A) Missing "me" after "of."

Quote: The water was dark except for where the moonlight reflected in small slivers of white across the ocean.

Having the same sentence structure repeated creates an annoying mood. The beach, the water...the annoyed reader. Also, the first sentence can be description...but VERY soon we need tension, a reason to care.

Quote: I had never seen a landscape so beautiful.

This should be the first line.

Quote: I walked down the beach lazily, my mood somewhere between indifferent and apathetic. Three of my friends followed a ways behind me. I wanted to be alone bit I didn’t want to ask them to leave, so I distanced myself. They spoke quietly to each other, discussing the week. We were far from home.

This chunk is pure summary. If you want us to care about it, expand it. If not, don't worry. However, it is a little weird to have so much summary so quick up front.

Quote: A breeze ruffled through my hair and chilled my face. A drop of rain brought my gaze upward.

This ain't poetry. No repetitive structure!

Quote: I gave up on trying to stare down the stars and focused on the beach. In front of me I saw a piece of bamboo. It was broken in half long ways, making a half cylinder. The first thing that came to my mind was “boat”. So I picked it up and waited for my friends.

Boat? Huh?

-----------


Thoughts:

This is a very poetic peace. Personal style and all that. Still needs a little more tension.

GOod luck!


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Castaway
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I live beside the sea and I often walk on the beach at night.Your description "Waves crashed onto the sand with the muffled sound of breaking glass, and then hissed as they receded" describes what I hear so clearly.
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Michaelpfs
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I like the protaganist and the images you're creating. The voice in your piece is very strong so far.

"discussing the week" made me think they were on a resort vacation, strolling around talking about mai tais.

made me think of one thing, boat --- this made me think of stranded on an island.

Those two ideas contrast and I'm not sure where you're going. The contrast both confused adn intrigued me. I want to see where you're going with this. Let me know when you're ready for readers and I'd be happy to give it a look.


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RetinoBlastoma
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I'll take a look.
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djvdakota
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Umm. Am I the only one who noticed that it's apparently raining out of a clear and starry sky?

quote:
A breeze ruffled through my hair and chilled my face. A drop of rain brought my gaze upward. The night sky was exploding. Back home, smog and lights usually masked the night sky, but not here. The stars shone down from every where in the universe.


I think my main complaint about the bit is that it takes the description too far--make it lean and mean, tight and informative.

Oh, yeah. And I have to say, that line about the waves crashing on the beach is fairly superb. I think it, too, could be tightened just a tiny bit, though. Maybe just end it with "...and receded with a hiss."

Avoid using vague placement descriptions, such as "In front of me..." I want to see what your narrator sees. I want it to be something I want to see. I want it to come alive for me, to paint a mental picture for me. So, to use this example as an example:

"On the edge of the ribbon of wet sand I saw..."

And keep in mind that it's dark. Does this guy have night vision, to be able to tell immediately that it's a piece of bamboo? Probably not. Probably just sees some odd shape that doesn't fit in with the soft shapes of the sand and picks it up to investigate. Then he can see that it's bamboo.


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