posted
This story is fantasy, between 12,000 and 15,000 words (depending on whether you use Word's count or the 250 words p/pg estimate). I'm not looking for a deep critique of the story -- it's too big for that. I just want general impressions.
Of course, if you decide to give otherwise, who am I to stop you?
***
“I swear, this time I’m going to double up Scarecrow and shelve him next to his stinking magic books!” Baar’s eyes flashed and Sirin knew this time the prank would be serious. She could see it in the way he stomped back and forth in the clearing, his large, brawny form almost bear-like in his not-quite controlled rage. She heard it each time his beefy fist slammed into his open palm, the smack echoing through the forest.
Sirin watched Baar’s other friends nod in emphatic agreement and tried to hide her disgust. Sycophants, all of them. Sure, she hated Rake White, known to former students as Scarecrow.
posted
This has potential, though personally, I like a more firmly established setting and POV character before so much action occurs.
I think you need to tighten up the language:
Large and brawny are redundant (though it's possible to be brawny and not large, that's not what comes first to my mind).
How is he "almost bear-like"? He is bear-like, no almost about it.
"Not quite controlled" is too loose and not thought out. What you probably mean is "barely controlled."
In addition, "known to former students" sounds reporterish. And former students of whom?
Finally, I have hard time thinking of a prank as serious, and I'm not sure by your words who commited or is about to commit a prank, Baar or Scarecrow?
i find myself in agreement with magic beans on many points... however, i think you don't need to tighten up the language too much, just a little, mainly the things he noted...
i also find myself confused with the whole "known to former students" bit... you might want to clear that up a little
but overall, it looks good.
one more comment that magic beans didn't mention... the quote by Baar at the outstart kind of threw me off a little... not entirely sure why, guess i'm just not used to starting out with a dialogue, so it's probably nothing to worry about
i might take a look at the rest of it... but not right away i don't think...
posted
At the moment, I'm putting the opening scene through a major overhaul. I'll be finished with it no later than Monday. Can I send it to you then?
Posts: 836 | Registered: Jul 2004
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If I do not reply with a confirmation email within 24 hours, please feel free to send another copy. My old email, the one in my profile, is crazy. Oh well.
posted
I'll take a look at it as well if you want. I need to get back into critiquing. I've been remiss on the F&F thread for some time.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Actually, the profile link is under Post New Topic.
And, if you change your email address in your profile, you will be sent a new password, so that may be more hassle than you think it's worth.
I'd say having to tell people that your profile email address is having problems is too much hassle, too. Of course, if you only have the one email address, that can be a problem, too. <shrug>
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