posted
Inspired by a situation with a lady I work with, and a recent discussion here at Hatrack... This is more emotionally heavy than anything I've yet written. I'm curious how I dealt with that (particularly when its a situation I have never personally gone through). The whole thing is about 1400 words.
[edit: this is not sf or fantasy, just so y'all know]
[edit 2: I've changed the opening sentences. I'm closer to the hook I'm looking for.]
* * * * *
I cannot drink a macchiato without thinking of my mother. Sort of like how cotton candy reminds you of the fair.
The girl at the coffee shop smiled at me as I walked up. “Consonance?” she said. “Oh, what a beautiful name!” Flustered, I pulled the nametag off my blouse. I always seemed to forget it when I left the bank.
“Thanks,” I replied flatly. I had never liked my name, and never understood why parents have a strange compulsion to give their children unconventional ones. My mother was exceptionally quirky about it, too, making it a point throughout my life to remind me that my name had special meaning. She was very musically inclined, and spent time every day playing the piano. She always said I was the final chord that brought consonance to her life.
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited April 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited April 22, 2005).]
posted
I'll read. (but I may not get back to you before the end of the weekend, so if you're in a rush I probably can't help.)
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
This opening seems poorly integrated, possibly because of the really strange way you've chosen to "justify" the narrator's self-introduction. First person narrators are always allowed to introduce themselves and explain anything necessary to frame the story. Consider simply starting it with the introduction.
quote:Throughout my life, my mother reminded me that my name had special meaning. She was very musically inclined, and spent time every day playing the piano. She always said I was the final chord that brought consonance to her life. So that's me. Consonance. [one or two line explanation of why this matters to the story]
I was ordering coffee at Starbuck’s the day my sister called me.
This way, we're primed for a narration of events connected to her sister's call. The way you have it now, most of your readers will have forgotten all about the call and be confused when you get back to it. Others will wonder why you put in such a pointless digression about the character's unusual name.
posted
OK. I gave it a little more thought, and I think the better option is just to dive right in. First paragraph:
“Consonance?” said the girl at the coffee shop. “Oh, what a beautiful name!” She smiled at me as I walked up. Flustered, I pulled the nametag off my blouse. I always seemed to forget it when I left the bank.
posted
Hmm...is the incident with the girl at the coffee shop commenting on the narrator's name important to the story in any fundamental way? Because if it isn't, you should just cut it. Even if this is a real life incident and that's the way it really happened.
You don't have to tell me now. Just look it over and ask yourself that before sending it to me. If you're not sure and want opinions, that's okay, and if you decide to either definitely let it stand or cut it, that's fine too.
posted
Thanks all for the comments. Thanks to Survivor for "giving me permission" to change it to 3rd person (and for some wonderful commentary on children & coordination & hardwood floors).
I've gone through and translated it to 3rd person, but would like some fresh eyes to see if it still has the same impact. I feel it's lost... something, but it may just be because I've been through the story too many times & now need a break from it. A few rough spots from the "translation" still could uses some help, too. Anybody else willing to take a look let me know.
Here's my new 13:
* * * * *
quote:Consonance was Connie’s given name. She had never liked it, and never understood why parents have a strange compulsion to give their children unconventional ones. Her mother was exceptionally quirky about it, too, making it a point throughout her life to remind her that it had special meaning. Her mother was musically inclined, and spent time every day playing the piano. She always said Connie was the final chord that brought consonance to her life.
That is why she became flustered when the girl at the coffee shop read her nametag and announced, “Consonance? Oh, what a beautiful name!”
“Thanks,” Connie replied flatly, as she unhooked the tag from her shirt. She had forgotten to take it off at the bank, again.
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited April 24, 2005).]
posted
I was going to do a careful reading of the old version tonight - I'd be happy to read the new one instead if you'd like. I just read it through quickly once, so I am essentially fresh eyes. Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
and actually the new opening clears up something for me - I wasn't quite sure what gender Consonance was in the first version. I was guessing female but I wasn't sure.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Ah! You went and used the opening structure I specifically recommended for first person in the third person translation.
This is what I get for suggesting two very different courses of action and offering instructions on how to carry out both of them. One of these days I'm going to accidentally instruct someone to create a literary matter/anti-matter reaction. Better hope you're not on the boards that day
posted
Beth: I'll send you the new one as soon as I can (not on my own computer right now). I tried to mention her blouse early on in the first version to clarify that she was female... then a friend advised me "blouse" isn't used very often and it sounded "old and frilly" (or something to that extent *rolls eyes*).
Survivor: you were right... at least for the 3rd person version. Somehow it made more sense to me the second time you said it Maybe I'm just stubborn... Go ahead and ramble some about the possible methods of time travel, who knows what we might discover, eh?
posted
heh... this must be a gender thing... blouse is a perfectly acceptable and commonly used term amongst females who work in a professional environment and garb themselves in business clothing. The person who advised you that it was "old and frilly" clearly doesn't talk with other business women in the women's restroom...
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited April 25, 2005).]
posted
To bring greater clarity to women's clothing apparel, the term "blouse" is used to indicate a lightweight, tailored garment, usually long-sleeved (short-sleeves OK; sleeveless no), most often made of polyester, poly-blends, silk, linen, or occasionally cotton. A "blouse" is usually worn when a woman is dressed up - either for a professional job, or for an evening out.
The term "top" is usually more generic. It can be interchangeable with the word "blouse" but is more often used when referring to more casual (non-business) apparel. The term is more common in reference to a cotton t-shirt, or a casual shirt made of a cotton-poly blend.
The word "shirt" is occasionally used by women, but it's more common when referring to a man's garments. The word "sweater" is interchangeable between men and women and means the same thing.
And who was it that decided men's shirts should button on the opposite side from a woman's?
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited April 25, 2005).]
posted
I like the opening two lines a lot (though I haven't any idea what a "macchiato" is) - the narrator already has an idiosynchratic voice. And "blouse" didn't bother me a bit -I had to go back and re-read the section to see where it was after I read the other readers' comments. To me, a blouse seems like an obvious clothing choice for a woman who works in a bank. I'm not sure I buy the narrator's being upset about being reminded of her name. After all, she's had a lifetime to get used to it, and as an adult it ought to be no more than a blip on her radar. If it really still bothered that much, she would have had her name tag printed as "Connie" - unless she's a little neurotic, which I guess is possible, since we haven't seen much of her yet.
Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Elan: The belief is that men traditionally used their right hand to hold tools or weapon. The buttons were placed on the right side so their left hand could button their shirts or jackets while still holding their sword or whatnot with their right hand. Women traditionally carried babies in their left arm, so buttons were placed on the left side so their right hand could perform the same action while holding the baby.
posted
That doesn't make sense, though. I would put down the baby before buttoning or unbuttoning my shirt. It's really awkward to button stuff with one hand anyway!
Especially if I were using my non-dominant hand for it.
posted
You'd put the baby down if you're going to take the blouse/shirt/sweater/top/upper garment off. But if you're nursing and just want to unbutton the top few buttons, it would make a lot of sense.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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It doesn't have to make sense. Why are there shirts that button up at all? There isn't any particularly good reason for anything that has to do with fashion, high or low, traditional or avant garde. There are only the silly reasons.
posted
Well . . . I thought the baby part made sense. But actually, I always figured the difference was to make it easier for a man to unbutton either his own shirt, or the blouse of the woman he was facing. The woman's convenience was irrelevant.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
I don't mean to be a damper on the whole baby nursing blouse shirt fashion debate, but I think we should return from the rabbit trail and try to continue to help Theo some more.
I know I'm new, and I may sound like a jerk, but I'm really not. I don't think
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