posted
A new SF short story I'm developing. Give me a bit of feedback on these lines:
Joey was sleeping in bed when his alarm went off, announcing the start of his Daily Correction. He didn’t mind the pain as much how much of it was used—nights were rarely restful, as his body was full of aches. But, as his Parental Support said, it will all be worth it. With hard work, he might achieve his dream of becoming part of the Correction Corps.
But his body rarely corresponded with his desires. He wanted to get up right away. It never worked out that way, though. His scores on Awakening were desperately low, and so, his determination to improve was rising steadily. Soon his willpower would exceed the lag of his body’s needs, and he would get up on time. But his average at the moment was two or three points. It wasn’t a surprise to him when he felt a searing prick on the back of his neck, like a white-hot needle stabbing into his spinal cord. A spasm went through his body, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.
Another prick was felt on the middle toe of his left foot. It was considerably more painful, and enough adrenaline was rushing through his veins in order for him to finally wake up, which he did with a gasp of pain. Two points, he thought groggily—better than yesterday, what with that nasty jab to his right buttock.
posted
If this is the very beginning, I think you should start with a variation the last paragraph. Torturing brings sympathy automatically by virtue of what it is. You can characterize later (IMHO).
You're explaining things up front that I haven't really been given any reason to care about.
posted
It wasn't that I didn't want to know it. I want to know all of it, just not yet. I think the tension of waking up with pain is an almost instant hook.
posted
I thought the beginning was mostly ok as it was; I think if you just started with the pain it would be confusing, and we wouldn't have any reason to care about the pain (you're inflicting pain on some guy, so what?). The opening paragraphs tell us a fair amount about the world and the character without being infodumpy.
my scores on Awakening are also desparately low. but one white-hot needle in the back of my neck would be enough to get me out of bed; I wouldn't wait around for them to poke my toe or my butt. so I am not sure I really buy it. why on earth isn't that enough? Regular sleepiness woudln't do it but you haven't told me that there's anything else doing on. so while I'm in general curious about the world you've created, I feel like here you're either asking me to believe something impossible, or you're withholding information about why it's possible. I don't really trust the storytelling from reading this.
"another prick was felt . . ." is passive. and there were a few other unfelicitous phrases but I wouldn't worry too much about that until you've finished the first draft, at least.
posted
I'm sort of hooked. I have a suspicion that if I saw the whole story, I might say, "This isn't the right place to start; start later" -- because nothing's happening at this moment. What's the first event that's important to the story? That could be the place to start.
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