posted
The last word spoken, the last breath taken, and the dust slowly rolled across the barren and forsaken Earth with no set path. At least that would no longer be altered anymore. The sun shone down on the intoxicating tainted firmament. It shone down on those lonely, static hills, on those lonely, static valleys, and on the movement of the motionless oceans.
There he laid, a young fellow whose face was worn from years of anxiety and a solemn pressure. His name was Jonathan. He knew it the most. He knew when they would live and when they would die. The moon began to rise as night commenced. The wolves howls were not heard anymore. No one stepped out to hunt for the nightly cries across the earth or to glance to the sky and stare at the irredescent stars high above. Routine had begun on planet earth. If you were listening for something, something at all, well heard were those crisp and clear vibes of silence quickly creeping in and overcrowding everything else.
posted
It is from a short though I have not quite finished it yet. I would be more than happy to e-mail it to anyone who would like to read what I have so far.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2005
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quote:At least that would no longer be altered anymore.
Drop "anymore". You say "no longer", therefore "anymore" is redundant.
"intoxicating tainted firmament" Why is it intoxicating, and with what is it tainted?
The repetition of "lonely, static" doesn't bother me; In fact, I rather like it.
The "movement of the motionless oceans" intrigues me; I like the contradiction here.
quote:His name was Jonathan. He knew it the most.
Knew what? His name? Of course he knew it most. Who else would, save perhaps his mother? What's your point? If you mean he knew anything else, you should consider rephrasing this, as it truly seems to refer directly to his name.
irredescent = iridescent
I love your first paragraph, truly enjoy your voice and some of your imagery is marvelous. I hate your second paragraph. Why? Because you give me nothing. In fact, the entire point of this seems to be "nothing": no words, no breath, no path, no motion; no howls, no hunts, only silence.
You grab me and draw me in with the first paragraph, then you reward me with... nothing. As a reader, I need something. Give me a reason to start caring about Jonathon, a means to identify with him. Show me hints of what will befall him, of what his destiny is, of why he is special.
Whew! That's more than I usually say on the boards, in the way of crits! I would be happy to continue reading, but I may not be able to get it back to you for a few days. I still owe a few crits from last week!
Susan
PS: Don't forget to put "Hatrack" in the subject line, so my filters know how to properly sort your email!
posted
Should it be "lay" instead of "laid" in the first sentence of your second paragraph? Other than that it sound really interesting.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Ok, here is the second part of the story, it continues from where the last left off.
Note from the Administrator:
The 13-line rule does not mean 13 lines at a time. If you want people to see more of the story than the first 13 lines, you will have to email it to them--and only when they ask you to.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 14, 2005).]
posted
"On the marquis of the world in big letters it would say, starring: Megalomaniac and his sidekick the ever so elegant, deceiving Judas. Then, watch out kids for that evil villain, the innocent and honest. Jonathan had the will and the words, but he was just too late. He did everything he could and everything wasn’t enough."
I'm sorry, but I find this just a little too confusing. "The marquis of the world"? A marquis is a particular aristocratic title, rarely used these days. Do you mean "marquees"? Even then it would be an odd sentence. I'm also not sure if you mean elegant or eloquent for the Judas, but that's because I have no idea who the Judas is, or the Megalomaniac, and how they relate to Jonathan. And the conflation of "evil villain, the innocent and honest" likewise leaves me wondering - are you saying the villain is innocent and honest, or is this a reference to the "kids" who should watch out - and is this still what's on the marquis/marquees?
This is a bit of a shame, as the final two sentences of the paragraph are much more evocative and appealing - the idea being presented here of someone who could/shoulda/woulda saved the world but somehow didn't quite get it right. That's more of a hook - but it's coming after some stuff that really has left too much confusion. Having questions, as a story starts, is a good thing if you want to know the answers to those questions, but you have to walk a fine line between arousing curiosity and simply confusing the heck (word changed for American audience) out of your readers...
posted
I took that sentence out completely, and I think it works better. It made sense when i was writting it, but it is confusing when you read it, like you said.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2005
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