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The Blade and the Bow

Golden leaves rustled in the throes of an autumn wind as they whipped along the forest floor, swirling around Rayn’s ankles. He closed his eyes and smiled as he listened to the sound, basking in the warmth of old memories. The rustle slowly grew into a thunderous hiss as the breeze became a gale, bending slender young trees with its sudden fury. The cascade of leaves caressed his face as they enveloped him…just as they had so many years ago. His eyes snapped open as the boyish grin left his face. The leaves’ vivid color had dulled, as if in fading light, though the sun still shone brightly through the gilded canopy above. It was like a cloud of darkness had settled around him and him alone. On this one small clearing in a forest vast and deep.

A whistling sound pierced the deliciously cool air as the wind died. It seethed toward him at an impossible speed, rising to a shriek that shattered the peace of the golden wood. Rayn’s face was a mask of stone as his most favorite memory vanished with the pleasant breeze. A gloved hand dropped without thought to the hilt of his sword, which sprang free of its own volition. Almost eagerly.
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Nit-picking, with [deletions] and ADDITIONS:

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Golden leaves rustled in the throes of an autumn wind as they whipped along the forest floor, swirling around Rayn’s ankles. [MY IMMEDIATE THOUGHT IS THAT THIS IS A TYPO FOR "RYAN." OK, IT'S NOT. MAYBE "RANE"?] He closed his eyes and smiled as he listened to the sound, basking in the warmth of old memories. [I'D SKIP THE MEMORY REFERENCE, SINCE YOU AREN'T TELLING US WHAT THE MEMORIES ARE -- AND I'M GLAD: IT'S TOO EARLY FOR A FLASHBACK.] The rustle slowly grew into a thunderous hiss as the breeze became a gale, bending slender young trees with its sudden fury. The cascade of leaves caressed [SLAPPED?] his face as they enveloped him…just as they had so many years ago. [I'D SKIP THE MEMORY REFERENCE, SINCE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.] His eyes [snapped open] WIDENED [THEY WERE PROBABLY ALREADY OPEN] as [AND?] the boyish grin left his face. The leaves’ vivid color had dulled, as if in fading light, though the sun still shone brightly through the gilded canopy above. It was [like] AS IF a cloud of darkness had settled around him [and him alone. On] IN this one small clearing in a forest vast and deep. [I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THE EMPHASIS ON "SMALL CLEARING" THAT A SENTENCE FRAGMENT GIVES HERE.]

A whistling sound pierced the deliciously cool air as the wind died. It seethed [SEETHE MEANS "BOIL"; I CAN'T PICTURE THIS] toward him at [an impossible] HIGH speed, rising to a shriek that shattered the peace of the golden wood. Rayn’s face was a mask of stone as his most favorite memory vanished with the pleasant breeze. [AGAIN, WE DON'T KNOW THE MEMORY, SO IT'S JUST TEASING US TO REFERENCE IT!] [I NOTICE YOU HAVE 2 SENTENCES IN 2 PARAGRAPHS THAT USE "AS" IN THE CONSTRUCTION. I THINK THE REASON I DON'T LIKE THIS IS THAT WE DON'T REALLY CARE THAT RAYN'S FACE IS STONY *WHILE* HIS MEMORY VANISHES; "AS" MAY NOT BE THE BEST WORD] [SINCE THIS IS FANTASY, I RECOMMEND AGAINST "RAYN'S FACE WAS A MASK OF STONE" -- AT FIRST, I WONDER IF YOU MEAN THIS LITERALLY!] A gloved hand [WHOSE?] dropped without thought to the hilt of his sword, which sprang free of its own volition. [I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS METAPHOR, OF IF IT'S A MAGIC SWORD.] Almost eagerly.

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OK, those are nits, but they're worth picking, I think.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited August 14, 2005).]

Deliviously percing cool air? Seething toward somebody? Rustled in the throes? Thunderous hiss?

It's just too much. Other writers are very well capable of sounding arty and such like this in their work, but they purposly choose not to for the sake of their story. As it stands now, this reads for like an effort to impress rather than tell a story.

I liked the idea of the darkness falling only on Rayn, and thought the opening could have done more with that idea, and perhaps less of telling us that the leaves are golden.

I think perhaps you need to examine the words and phrases you are using. For example, "throes". Did you really mean to write 'Golden leaves rustled in the violent pangs of anguish of an autumn wind'?

I'm also not convinced that something can seethe 'toward' someone.

There's no harm in using these terms, but there is harm in using them without truly understanding them. Always write with your dictionary to hand, and always check the meanings of the words you use. It's the things we think we know that get us into trouble .