posted
Hey what a cool feedback service! I have only recently started to write, prompted by disillusionment with my real job, but I have already pieced together a short novel. I don't have high hopes for it but it was nonetheless a useful learning experience. It's a sort of science fictiony / magical realism thing. Barely anything happens in the first 13 lines, and the style of the opening is more dreamy than the bulk of the work, but here are those 13 lines anyway. Feedback? give me your worst. Any readers for the first chapter??? btw The voice of Sarah is not in quotes because in the manuscript it is in italics (where she is not speaking to a person).
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I am no longer a genius, whispered Sarah to her stolen jewel. It was shining in the sun and her hands could not leave it alone. She turned to face the empty beach, the jewel clutched to her chest, and announced: my genius is dead. Dead, you bastard ocean.
But both ocean and jewel answered with reflected sunlight that was filled with a mathematical complexity she grasped without wanting to, and then she knew her genius was alive and well.
It was maddening: she was still losing to the jewel. Soon she would succumb to complete obsession.
Which direction lead away from insanity? Sarah walked across the shore, each step a painful stumble, up and down the steep dunes, where wind blowing in gusts full of sand howled her
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 26, 2005).]
posted
The imagery is great, I'd just like a little more of a hint of flavor of what is to come. Too much vagueness of the issue at hand just makes my curiousity glaze away.
you meant led not lead.
I prefer writing styles that rely less on 'was'. You aren't being passive, per se, but you are being repetitive.
posted
If you want readers for a novel, you can drop by the Hatrack Groups forum and join (or form) a group.
I got rather forcefully from OSC: don't use italics for thoughts. Do it just like you have it here, w/o italics, and people will get it. Except that if Sarah whispered, it's not a thought, it's spoken, so it needs quotes -- I'd say.
My comments:
I am no longer a genius, whispered Sarah to her stolen jewel. It was shining in the sun and her hands could not leave it alone. She turned to face the empty beach, the jewel clutched to her chest, and announced: my genius is dead. Dead, you bastard ocean.
But both ocean and jewel answered with reflected sunlight that was filled with a mathematical complexity she grasped without wanting to, and then she knew her genius was alive and well.
It was maddening: she was still losing to the jewel. [I DON'T FOLLOW.] Soon she would succumb to complete obsession.
Which direction lead away from insanity? [HUH?] Sarah walked ...
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I'm mildly hooked. I think Sarah's losing her mind -- has already lost it -- but may be struggling back to sanity. (Or away from it?) That would be cool.
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