posted
This will be a sci-fi story, hopefully of novel length. I've toyed with the idea of making it a short story but feel that is likely the lazy person talking in me. I really want it to be a novel. That being said these are the first 13 lines of the single page I have written! It is a first draft and I very recently wrote it though I've been toying with the idea for quite some time. If you could please a) tell me if you would like to read more and b) give me any feedback you deem necessary. If anyone does want to read the full thing (it's only a page remember!) I'd be happy to email it to them because it does give much greater understanding to the protagonist's situation. Here goes and thanks in advance:
The darkness drew back from over Jack’s eyes. Fuzzy shapes flew around his head; nothing distinct or discernible, just a pale green fuzz. A Smell of chemical clean, like antiseptic. Noise. A faint background hum which could only be described as electric. He couldn’t feel anything except his heartbeat and something cold pressed tightly against his back. Where am I? Jack’s mind churned slowly, attempting to deal with these new stimuli. The electric hum droned in and out as something small and white stopped over his face, opened what appeared to be a tiny mouth and spat in Jack’s left eye. It then disappeared, only to return seconds later. Jack tried to keep focused on it through the haze of wet which now blurred his vision. As it hovered over his left eye a piercing light shot forth. It burned terribly.
posted
Well, the first paragraph sounds very much like 'Nine Princes In Amber'.
The second paragraph is where your hook is, because the first paragraph deals with sort of abstract concepts like the absence of darkness and fuzzy shapes.
The second paragraph deals with something interesting happening.
posted
Can I take that as a compliment TL? I googled the title and noticed it was written by Zelazny, no sci-fi slouch by any stretch Would you turn the page?
Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Ditto on the bit about getting to the concrete stuff happening, just because this vague stuff doesn't hook me.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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