posted
(The following is my first major attempt at getting a story published, normally my writing contains far more explosions and ninja's however I thought I would try toning it down for a change. Please inform me of your advice and opinions, they would be much appreciated)
Terrance stared out onto the ends of the wooden deck as his classmates chat of their long summer voyage. He noticed in particular two young girls joyously laugh beneath the crystal clear skie, as a chill sea breeze blew.
Underneath his black sunglasses Terrance’s eyes began to water. That reminded him, he would be seeing Alice again as soon as they reached the oceanic colony. Just the mere thought of her caused his lips to raise into a smile.
A deafening howl shot outwards through the winds.
What was that noise? Terrance’s heart began to beat more hastily, hands trembling, as his eyes scanned about quickly for the source of the disturbance.
His jaw dropped, his pupils dilated; he tried to scream yet...
[This message has been edited by Grand Admiral (edited December 23, 2005).]
posted
You've got a tense violation in the first sentence. It was hard for me to concentrate after that. I'm not really drawn in because I don;t think you've effectively transferred the thoughts from your head to the page. It seems quite disjointed to me.
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quote:Terrance stared out onto the ends of the wooden deck as his classmates chat of their long summer voyage.
Stared is past tense. Chat is present tense. These cannot be in the same sentence and should not be in the same stories' narrative.
quote: He noticed in particular two young girls joyously laugh beneath the crystal clear skie, as a chill sea breeze blew.
Phrases like "he noticed" are almost never neccesary. If the scene is put on paper, we assume the PoV character noticed it.
quote:Underneath his black sunglasses Terrance’s eyes began to water.
Why are his eyes watering? If it's because of the chill, include this sentence in the last paragraph.
quote: That reminded him, he would be seeing Alice again as soon as they reached the oceanic colony.
It needs to be explained how cold eyes reminds him of a girl.
quote:Just the mere thought of her caused his lips to raise into a smile.
A needlessly convolted way of saying "He smiled."
quote:A deafening howl shot outwards through the winds.
Simplify this too. Too many words softens the shock effect.
quote:What was that noise?
unneccesary.
quote:Terrance’s heart began to beat more hastily, hands trembling, as his eyes scanned about quickly for the source of the disturbance.
Again too complex for what it's saying. His heart beat faster and his hands trembled as he looked for the source of the sound.
quote:...
okay, so this is the sentence that says what Terrence saw. Its not here, but it should be.
quote:His jaw dropped, his pupils dilated; he tried to scream yet...
Three sentences would probably be more effective here. "Yet" is not the appropriate substitute for "however" in this case.
Someone spent too much time with the thesaurus. Simplify both the language and the sentence structure. Advanced words are okay if used approptiately. Here they are slightly off their actual meanings and connotations.
Tell us why Terrance smiles at the thought of Alice. (I don't know if she's a sweetheart or a family member.)
A deafening howl shot outwards through the winds: I get that there's a loud noise, but "outwards" -- is it coming from the ship? What does it mean for it to be coming through the winds? Does he know, or have an idea, what it sounds like? Let us know its significance.
posted
I think this is an admiral attempt. Couldn't resist the urge to pun.
I got the impression that he was on a wooden sailing ship, but then he was wearing sunglasses. So, I wasn't sure of genre etc.
The line: 'His lips...' could be simpler. He smiled.
So as a summary: I think wee need to be clearly placed within a setting ie place and time, and I was starting to wonder whether the writing may be more ornamental than necessary.
I wasn't quite hooked because of those two things.
posted
I've read somewhere a list of reasons books get rejected at publishers (If anyone is interested, I'll find it and post the link somewhere here) One of those reasons is for body parts that move with out their respected body. Ex: His jaw dropped while this does convey the message you are trying to say, it also send the image of some poor guys jaw falling off. Another popular one (not found in your sample) is the imfamous "Her eyes fell to the plate" I've heard that unless you mean that her eyes literally fell to the plate then you shouldn't word it like that. Now you could mean that literally, his jaw dropped--but that's kind of cliche. On a positive side, you ended on a suspenseful note, which makes me want to know why he was screaming.
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