posted
Hey, folks. It's been awhile, but I think I've got an intro that sorely needs a few objective opinions. Genre is fantasy. Target word length (the story is currently unfinished) hovers around 12-13k, though that is still tentative. Let me know what you think.
-------------------------------------------- Sam grunted as his axe sank into the gnarled gray trunk of yet another ironwood tree. He ignored the low, rumbling snarl that filtered up from the wounded creature’s root clusters, concentrating instead on retrieving the axe head from its iron-like grip.
They were encroaching on his land again; well-marked land his ancestors had cleared long before any ironwoods--or their thrice-cursed troll thralls--migrated to the region. The tree-creatures had no legitimate claim to plant their young beyond the markers, and they knew it. Their rock-hard seed pods had been cast in his direction deliberately this time. The blasted things seemed to have minds of their own, twisting their little wind-catching seed wings in whatever direction their towering parents desired. -------------------------------------------
So...are you hooked? Or the fish that got away?
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
Okay, remember that this is me and that fantasy is a hard sell.
I'm mildly interested, but for me starting with an axe against a tree that screams in the first paragraph is a turn off because you haven't built a world for me yet, and you are asking me to suspend disbelief without justifying it.
If it were me, I would start with teh discussion about the encroachment on the land and give me some evidence that these are more than simple trees before they start to scream.
posted
I kind of agree with spaceman. You have this out of order. Reverse the order of the paragraphs and it does seem to work better.
Another nit. I think introducing the troll thralls right here is too much detail. Concentrate on selling me on these trees and their invasion and their young and this guy trying to chop down...hmmm how fast do these things grow? It shouldn't be that hard to chop down a year-old tree, should it? Or does he only come out once a decade to check these acres?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited January 19, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited January 19, 2006).]
posted
I'm mildly hooked. I want to know what's up with the trees, but nothing you have said makes it clear that anything unusual is happening (your MC seems to spend a lot of time cutting down ironwood trees, and with your logic it doesn't sound unusual).
I'd read on, but something else than him chopping trees had better happen fast.
posted
I too feel you started a little early. It might be better to have him realise the problem and who cuased it first and then start on the tree chopping after. That way you can lead the reader into the story instead of trying to throw "interesting" elements at them.
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posted
You set up the conflict right off the bat with a question: why are the tree encroaching on his land? I would read on to see what happens next.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Okay. Since everyone seems to be saying the same thing, I'll post a rewrite (at the risk of appearing hasty). Here's (basically) the same intro with the two paragraphs switched and streamlined a bit, expositionally speaking. At least, I think they're streamlined.
------------------------------------------- Sam swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him. They were encroaching on his land...well-marked land his ancestors had cleared long before any ironwoods had migrated to the region. The tree-creatures had no legitimate claim to plant their young here, and they knew it. What he couldn’t figure out was how the trespassers had matured so quickly.
He studied the eldest sapling for a moment, amazed at its height and girth, then swung his felling axe. The razor-sharp bit sank deep into the young ironwood’s trunk. Sam ignored the low, rumbling snarl that filtered up from the wounded creature’s root clusters, concentrating instead on retrieving the axe head from an iron-like grip. -------------------------------------------
Inkwell ------------------ "The only difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited January 19, 2006).]
posted
Ok, now you;ve got me. Much better. What is this iron-like grip? More clarity needed in that last sentence but apart from that it is fine. We get a good sense for conflict and motive.
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