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This paragraph is part of the same story I've been writing for a while. Please review this: (The dashes are paragraph breaks to make it more appealing to the eyes to read) ------And there it was. That feeling. How could such a feeling be described in the minute amount of words offered by the dictionary. Calling it "butterflies" was dreadfully wrong, and calling it pain was equally as incorrect. It was a wave of nervousness embued with anticipation and a beast-like rage. In the coming hour what was to happen? In the fog of war how can any tactical genius predict all the intangible factors? And how can on be sure that their soldiers are strong enough mentally and physically? They can't. Is it this predetermined factor of uncertainty that bores this indescribable tumult of feelings? Not at all, because it is certain that your soldiers are well prepared, and the odds of winning the battle are in your favor. You control the cannons and the elite strength. So this feeling
In my story I want my protagonist (John Verdagos) to be sympathized by the reader, and I want the reader to really get into his head, and question the same things he questions. I want my reader to actively think as they read John's mind. I also intended the tiles to be an allusion to humans on earth, making the knowledged architect like God, and describing the massive amount of tiles over the earth like the massive amount of people on this earth. I'm trying to achieve a symbolic sort of writing style, one that modern writers have somewhat abandoned in an attempt to tell stories instead of create Classic Literature. I just finished reading a few of Toni Morrison's books, and other works of Literature like Heart of Darkness, and I'm trying to create symbolism in my story that is somewhat unique to modern writing styles.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 28, 2006).]
posted
I think you're only supposed to post the first thirteen lines of any story. If you want paragraph breaks just leave a space.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Well yeah I know it's only supposed to be 13 lines, but this is peer editing things. I want to know the quality of my writing, not the length.. And it's more than one paragraph, it's the intro to a scene, i want to get a reaction to the scene, not the actual paragraph.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Willster, I can tell you are really excited about what you have written, that is great. In fact, I came over here to read your 13 lines and comment. But first here is a link you may want to check out.
posted
The only reason to post more than thirteen lines is because you're expecting people to skip most or all of your initial page and start reading later on when it gets interesting.
If that's the case, delete those first thirteen lines. If the next thirteen lines isn't interesting or doesn't make sense without the first thirteen, then delete them as well. Repeat until you find a good thirteen lines.
If this results in the deletion of your entire story, then you know that the reader is just going to skim through looking for an opening, and will cast your story aside on not finding it.
We can all get the rest of your story just as easily as we can comment on why we don't want the rest. If you post more than thirteen lines here, I can skip it just as easily as I could refrain from asking for the rest. So you don't gain anything by posting more than thirteen lines. You only lose your ability to sell first publication rights. Granted, most of the times that this happens it's a small loss, but believe that your work is worth something. Don't just throw it away like this.
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