posted
Homer walked picked up the little piece of paper. It was a ransom note, demanding one hundred, forty-five thousand dollars for poor Katie. She’d been dead for four days now. The parents were confident that the abductor would eventually give little Katie back to them by now, but it was not so. The O'Kirk family was shocked. They never thought their little girl would be taken from them, but they still struggled to accept reality. That was exactly what they feared: reality. But Homer and the Department of Roboticide had helped. The anthrobotics team consoled them, convincing them that this robot was an insane one. "We're deeply sorry," mechanical Homer sincerely said. "This man will be prosecuted. Maybe even imprisoned."
Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
My main suggestions are * stick with one POV * show us in-the-moment action. Some summary is fine, but seeing things as they happen is where the joy is * don't keep secrets from us that MC knows. If Homer knows he's a robot, I want to know as soon as Homer becomes our POV
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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I'm going to give a short synopsis-like summary, then an updated version of my story. Thank you for the suggestions .
Homer is a roboticide detective -- and a robot himself. His current case involves several murders of citizens of Cambridge, Massachusetts, including the most notorious case; the murder of a Harvard University professer, Dr. Andrew Tulange. Meanwhile, a mysterious government entity known as Dimension struggles to cover up the grotesque murders of the innocent townspeople. Homer must uncover the secrets behind the conspirators of Dimension -- as well as their robot murderer, whose only hint is his name, Jolt.
***
The robot Homer walked to the ledge and picked up the little piece of paper. It was a ransom note, demanding one hundred, forty-five thousand dollars for poor Katie. She’d been dead for four days now. The parents were confident that the abductor would eventually give little Katie back to them by now, but it was not so. He tried to fathom how devastated the O'Kirk family must have been -- his artificial brain pulsated at the task. He knew that they thought their sweet, little girl wouldn't leave them so quickly. She was only seven years old. He entered the living room where Cadman and Karah O'Kirk stood. "We're deeply sorry," mechanical Homer sincerely said. The O'Kirks just stood silently, their depression implausible.
***
Do you think it is any better? If you want to read more, email me at morningstar95@hotmail.com.
[This message has been edited by bean891 (edited October 01, 2006).]
Still, everything before "He entered the living room..." sounds somewhat summary-ish. The upside of this is that there are several things here that you could flesh out into full-fledged scenes of their own, if you wanted to. For example: - the abduction itself - the parents being confident that their daughter will be returned - scenes from the kidnappers' point of view while they write the ransom note, or decide how to proceed, etc. - the O'Kirks finding the ransom note and calling Homer - the attempts to locate Katie during the four days after she was kidnapped but before the ransom note appeared
Some of the action is unclear to me. He is picking up the ransom note before he enters the room? Is it in the hallway? Also, it sounds as if he's speaking with them for the first time since the abduction, although one would assume he's been on the case for four days. Also, why would the abductors be asking for a ransom if Katie is dead?
No need to answer those questions here, but they are things to think about when revising. Good luck!
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 01, 2006).]
posted
You're right. I'm going to try to improve this even more; I agree with you. As I read the fragment once again, I feel the story IS too summary-ish and not in-the-flesh. I'm going to start again. And also, there is a ransom note because before Jolt murdered Katie, he wanted $145,000. The O'Kirks didn't pay the ransom, and Katie was killed.
***
The robot Homer walked over to the desk and analyzed the ransom note once more. Jolt wanted one hundred, forty-five thousand dollars for poor Katie, who had been murdered four days earlier. Homer recalled the scene from what Katie's sister, Lauren, had told him. She was dragged into the bathroom, bound and gagged, and placed in the shower. Jolt had turned the hose on and dropped the toaster in. All of this was watched by a mere child, Homer thought. She must be mortified. But then, she was not the one killed. Homer stepped into the living room. He asked to Cadman and Karah O'Kirk, "Why didn't you pay the ransom?" "We thought -- we thought that she would be given back to us. We had no idea that this robot Jolt would actually kill her."
***
In the actual novelette, I will go on to explain the motive of the kidnapping and killing, the confidence of Katie's parents, and who Katie was, as well as the search for her. As for now, I hope you enjoy the fragment.
posted
Homer walked picked up the little piece of paper. It was a ransom note, demanding one hundred, forty-five thousand dollars for poor Katie.
Ah! A kidnapping in progress.
She’d been dead for four days now.
At this point I thimnk that Homer is the kidnapper -- how else would he know Katie is dead? Presumaboy he'd drafting a kidnap note.
The parents were confident that the abductor would eventually give little Katie back to them by now, but it was not so.
The cad! Demanding money with no attempt ever to return Katie to her parents!
The O'Kirk family was shocked. They never thought their little girl would be taken from them, but they still struggled to accept reality. That was exactly what they feared: reality. But Homer and the Department of Roboticide had helped. The anthrobotics team consoled them, convincing them that this robot was an insane one. "We're deeply sorry," mechanical Homer sincerely said. "This man will be prosecuted. Maybe even imprisoned."
So Homer wasn't a kindapper. And Katie wasn't their little girl but a robot.
I think I mind the confusion about Homer's identity, but -- for some reason -- not the confusion about little girl vs robot. I wonder why.
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