posted
This is a science fiction story, though probably not evident from the opening. I have two chapters done so far.
_What the hell am I doing out here?_, Jacobs asked himself. He rested his sniper rifle on a boulder and wiped the sweat from his eye. He sat on a high windswept hill overlooking the river valley. When he retired, he wanted to live in a place like this. Somewhere near the river so he could spend his days fishing or gardening a backyard plot. Directly in his line of sight was a beautiful rambling farmhouse painted a vivid canary yellow. Jacobs thought the house had to be at least 3,500 square feet with five bedrooms and three baths. He noticed that it had no basement windows. A storm shelter perhaps? And the garage! It looked like it had a bonus room above it. A place like this would be perfect for his family.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 11, 2007).]
> What the hell am I doing out here?_, Jacobs asked himself.
Is this question for the readers benefit? I ask because it feels like a device. You don't really answer the question satisfactorily. Your sniper knows why he is there (killing for money) so the question must really be about something else. He seems quite happy to be there to kill someone, so what is he asking?
Your protagonist is not immediately sympathetic. He is a killer who is happy to kill to line his pockets so his family can have a big house etc. He chuckles to himself about the fact he is here to kill someone.
There is potential conflict in that he will kill (or try to), however I am not getting conflict from your prose.
For me to feel more engaged with this piece I would want to the sniper to feel less at ease, daydream less about real estate. I want to feel some anxiety. He may be a professional, but he should be a bit tense, a little wound up.
> He’d kill to have something like this. He chuckled to himself at the thought. He _was_ killing to have something like this.
The above line seems artificial -- he knows he is killing for money.
The prose itself is good, but would I read on? Snipers interest me, the potential for a killing is interesting, so I probably would -- but with reservations.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 10, 2007).]
posted
Hi.You were right in the sci-fi element not being evident in this. In a short story, you pretty much have to show how it's speculative in either th first 13 lines, or very soon after. Keep that in mind. Maybe it will make you reevaluate this and blast us with something more potent.
My take:
quote: _What the hell am I doing out here?_, Jacobs asked himself.[Out loud?] He rested his sniper rifle on a boulder and wiped the sweat from his eye. He sat on a high windswept hill overlooking the river valley. [When he retired, he wanted to live in a place like this Somewhere near the river so he could spend his days fishing or gardening a backyard plot..<--Thinking about retirement saps the urgency, makes it static. Is he old?] Directly in his line of sight was a beautiful [rambling farmhouse<--How does a farmhouse ramble?] painted a [vivid canary<--[choose one, IMHO.] yellow. Jacobs thought the house had to be at least 3,500 squarefeet<--I can see him estimating this.] [with five bedrooms and three baths<--I can't see this. The size doesn't offer enough evidence for this detailed a speculation. If he's psychic or has the ability to see through object, that would qualify as not only a "speculative element" but a hook.]. [He noticed that<--Don't need this. It's obviously HIS PoV, who else would notice?I]t had no basement windows. A storm shelter perhaps? And the garage! It [looked like it had<--suggest: was large enough to have] a bonus room above it. A place like this would be perfect for his family. [He’d kill to have something like this. He chuckled [to himself at the thought<--Don't need.]. He _was_ killing to have something like this.<--Ruins my sympathy for him.]
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 10, 2007).]
posted
We have a guy with a rifle who is musing about how he would like to spend his retirement - and about a home as though he were a real estate agent. It "strays" too much. I would like to see him there with the gun, sighting it in, anxious and sweaty, up to the point just before or where he actually does pull the trigger. In short, it feels to me as if there is too much mundane information to what should be a high tension scene. We can learn about his wants and desire for the home later.
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posted
Unlike some others, I liked the last line. I thought the the bit about what the inside of the house was like was unrealistic. And balancing the rifle on a boulder seemed awkward. Maybe leaning against a boulder?
With a little refinement, it could be an interesting start. My only suggestion, make him seem more professional. People admire professionals, even killers.
posted
Should the opening character be the protagonist/MC? I was surprised that some thought this guy was the protagonist.
Is it a "rule" (i.e., you won't get published) or opinion that the First 13 should contain something that indicates that the story is speculative fiction?
posted
I wonder how namy people think of themselves as handling a 'sniper rifle'? It's going to be a gun, a rifle, or a specific model, surely. Maybe research them a bit and be specific? Or if the story's set in the future, invent one.
[This message has been edited by RobertB (edited November 11, 2007).]
quote:Should the opening character be the protagonist/MC? I was surprised that some thought this guy was the protagonist
He is the only character you have shown, and it is his POV...if he's not the protag, you need to handle it as though he is -- unless I am engaged with him, I will never get as far as your real protag.
posted
I think this works as it is. Your hook is a man with a riffle, starting at a house he wish he owned. I see conflict.
I don't think it's necessary to start with your MC. You do have to start with something gripping--otherwise there's no point to that begining. You do have to start with something relevant to the story. If this guy kills someone close to the MC and motivates the rest of the story, that's fine with me.
About the spec fic element. You don't _have_ to drop it immediately, but if there is one it helps if it is presented early. I think you can get away with a story not having anything speculative in the first 13, but by the end of the first 26 (a page's worth of story), you probably do. What I do, and this is only a suggestion, is drop in a detail that's speculative, even if it's not entirely relevant to the story (of course, it's best if it is). Usually, a bit of description will do nicely or something like this:
"The snipper riffle didn't like what he was about to do but John had told him to shut up and now the riffle, although morose, kept quiet."
I hope that's silly enough not to ruin your own mojo for the story.
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