If anybody would be good enough to read the whole thing its a shade under 5400 words.

My biggest confusion was who "they" are supposed to be who are entering the far side of the forest.

quote:

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For the first time he could remember, Benjin Farrer felt fear. A tensioning in his shoulders. A finger of ice gently tracing his spine. A gaping maw in the pit of his stomach.Pick two of these three descriptions - three is a bit of overkill

He sat with his back resting against an ancient oak tree, his legs straight out in front of him. Far above him in the gnarled branches a shalon trilled mutedly I'm opposed to adverbs as a general rule, so I'd nix this without a second thought under black skies. Below him the dark grass rolled easily away into a natural depression which widened into a grassy expanse leading to the King’s Forest. Your first paragraph mention sfear, and then this second one paints a nice portrait of a man sitting under a tree in a field, birds chirping away. Which one is it?

They would be entering the far side of that forest nowI'm sorry, who should be entering the forest? Your MC clearly knows. We need to know too. He looked over at the eerily another adverd *shudders* still form of Shala, the ugly bruise hidden from view as she lay with her back to him. The blonde haired infant was still in her arms, gazing vacantly at the cold Again, this seems to be a relatively calm scene, a man and a woman having a rest under a tree, their child (?) safe in it's mother's arms. Where is this gripping icy fear from the first paragraph?

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This shows some promise - there's not a whole lot wrong with it technically, though it's not outstanding. In your first paragraph the language seems a little higher than the rest of the piece, like you were trying to be artistic and then forgot all about it when you started outlining the setting for us.

3 things that you could do that would improve this, at least in my estimation...

1) Stick with Benjin's fear as the tone for the whole piece. Either alter the setting or explain it more from his perspective to keep the tone consistent. The bark of the tree digging into his back annoying him, his legs cramping with the cold from the ground, annoyance at Shala's gentle snoring, anything that'll give us some more insight into him and show us setting at the same time. Don't be afraid to be a little more vague with the setting at this point - you want us to really buy into Benjin's fear, not the pretty tree he's sitting under.

2) Work in the central action behind this scene a little more. I was vaguely interested in who was entering the forest, but only a very little, and I think that this is where your hook will be. Give us a little more detail here, like Robin and his men should be entering the forest now, moving silently through the new spring growth, the only sound the gentle rattle of arrows in Robin's quiver... I don't know if that's perfect, but it's a little better.

3) The description in the third paragraph is a little vague. Is Shala sleeping? Is she dead? This could assist in catching a reader as well.

And, by all means, feel free to liberate your story from those adverbs! Plus, you only posted something like 11 lines - you've got 13, so don't short change yourself. Easy way to tell: if your text fits perfectly in the text entry box (not including any spaces between paragraphs) it's exactly 13 lines.

Keep working at it!

My take:

quote:

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For the first time he could remember, [Benjin<--Immediately made me think of George R. R. Martin's "Benjen" Stark.] Farrer felt fear. A tension[ing<--Needed?] in his shoulders. [A finger of ice gently tracing his spine.<--cliche and unnecessary. We know he feels fear.] A [gaping maw<--I can't picture this here-->] in the pit of his stomach.
He sat with his back resting against an ancient oak tree, his legs straight out in front of him.[<--This saps the intensity that you create in the first paragraph.] Far above him in the gnarled branches a shalon [trilled mutedly<--Aside from the miring adverb, trill and mute contradict one another.] under black skies.[If this is his PoV, I don't think he would be thinking about birds and the gnarled state of the tree, if he's afraid. Fear has a way of dwelling on one's mind.][Below him the dark grass rolled easily away into a natural depression which widened into a grassy expanse leading to the King’s Forest.<--Nice description, but I lack a reason to care. I'm feeling cheated out of the reason that he is afraid.]
They[Who?] would be entering the far side of that forest now. He looked over at the eerily still form of Shala[Who? I thought he was alone., the ugly bruise hidden from view as she lay with her back to him. The blonde haired infant was still in her arms, gazing vacantly at the cold [Plausibility: how could he clearly see the infant -- let alone where and how it is staring -- if the babe's in her arms and her back's to him?]

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1) The PoV seems to fade in and out. Sometimes it is Benjin and others it's omniscient.

2) I'm not invested enough in Benjin's character to empathize with his loss. Incidentally, though his fear is never explained, I wonder more at why is isn't feeling rage? hate? the desire for revenge?

3) IMO - Less description of the surroundings and more of Benjin's feelings. If he's afraid, answer what he is afraid of up front. Make him real. He would know. Also, make him more dimensional than just afraid. Even cowards feel anger and hatred. Get to the point. After all, this is short fiction, and you have a shorter span to hook me.

You have a nice VOICE. The flow is good, though it would be better if you cured its "adverbitis" (As KayTi puts it).

Be careful with the metaphors though - at first I thought the "icy finger" was literal. When you are establishing the world and its rules, metaphors usually aren't a good idea. I got what you meant, but SF readers do tend to take things literally (because often they are ).

"Gaping Maw" usually means an open mouth demanding to be fed. I don't think that what you meant as a symptom of fear withing the POV character. That sentence is overkill anyway.

You could slide the descriptions in the peaceful second paragraph down until after you hook us with the conflict and source of Benjin's fear.

Benjin's point of view knows more about Shala than you are telling. You'll hear a lot about withholding from the readers the things your POV character knows. It's frowned upon, and that's an understatement. Who is Shala - his wife? Is the infant theirs? He may know of the bruise and of Shala's condition from recent observations, but how can he see the infant's gaze from the back side of Shala?

Benjin also knows his own condition. Why is he just sitting there? How does he feel - grief, anger? You already said fear, but what else and how does it motivate him?

"They" in the forest get to the point of the fear and the conflict of the story, apparently. Again Benjin knows what he's afraid of and we should see that soon. I think that should be in the first 13 lines, probably in place of the second paragraph.