posted
Fantasy, about 11K words. Grateful for comments on first 13 or readers of the whole thing.
Sarala walked up the moonlit mountain path behind her Uncle Nako and their guide, Bosin the Moonreader. Each step she took hurt now: either her disease was progressing faster, or the cold was making the pain worse.
“Any luck?” asked Uncle Nako.
“No, nor do I expect any,” replied Bosin. “The old wizard is well hidden. Otherwise someone else would have found him by now.”
Sarala shivered from disappointment and cold. She had given up hope of surviving her illness, but there was something she yet wanted before she died: to see the wizard responsible for the fact that her body was slowly and painfully changing from that of a young girl to that of a Dragon.
This is very interesting. You quickly establish your plot hook and the character's quest. I will take a look at this. I can't guarantee a quick turnaround, but I will get round to it eventually.
posted
I like the hook at the end and I'll offer to read.
The only problem I have with the first 13 is that Sarala's affliction is from a wizard's spell. It's referred to as an illness, even in the same paragraph where it is revealed to be the wizard's responsibility. Both of those references are from her POV. It looks like the term 'illness' is withholding information the POV knows. Of course, the wizard may have actually given her an illness that could kill her, but the end of the post is still markedly different on the point than the rest of the first 13.
posted
I like the hook at the end and I'll offer to read.
The only problem I have with the first 13 is that Sarala's affliction is from a wizard's spell. It's referred to as an illness, even in the same paragraph where it is revealed to be the wizard's responsibility. Both of those references are from her POV. It looks like the term 'illness' is withholding information the POV knows. Of course, the wizard may have actually given her an illness that could kill her, but the end of the post is still markedly different on the point than the rest of the first 13.
posted
That didn't bother me, I just assumed that her affliction was an illness the wizard gave her, some sort of rare... turn-into-a-dragon disease, or something. Not that important to me. Nice hook btw!
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posted
I like that dialog reveals the plot, rather than an infodump. That's always nice.
I didn't feel the first colon (first paragraph, second sentence) was necessary. I think a period would have worked just fine there.
I didn't mind the reference to an illness, myself, but I was confused about something.
First, she only wants to see the wizard? Not kill him, get him to reverse it, talk to him, etc?
Second, the text says she'll turn into a dragon, but it also says she wants to see the wizard before she dies. So, I'm not sure if its going to kill her, or if shes going to turn into a dragon, or if something else is going to kill her before she turns into a dragon. Everything else is nice enough that I'd keep reading to see if that was clarified, but it would be nice to see that explained quickly.
You're right, Zero. I intended the reader to think more that the wizard caused Sarala to contract a rare turn-into-dragon disease, or something. But since they're going to see a wizard, seems reasonable for a reader to assume it is a spell. I should probably try to clear that up.
I agree about the colon. I also agree that Sarala's motivation at this point could be made clearer. The bit about her dying/turning into a dragon will be explained, hopefully soon enough.
posted
I just went through the whole story and found many more colons that didn't belong. I wonder who put them there? Anyhow, thanks, Lehollis. Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Hooked. In the first 13 we have 4 characters introduced, one I care about because they are diseased and about to die (or turn into a dragon?). I want to know IF they will even find the wizard, and what will happen if they do.
I also had problems with the disease/spell issue - caused me to double-take. I am also confused about how Sarala is going to die AND turn into a dragon.
I would like to read more if you'd like to send it to me.
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