Here's the first thirteen of my new WIP, and I thought I would get some feedback on the hook.
I haven't gotten much past here in the writing, but have a lot of back-story pulled together, so I'm hoping it comes out.
Thanks,
T2
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Daniel withdrew from the Merge with a massive headache and a pronounced drawl. The first was to be expected, considering the types of meta-analysis testing that he and his colleagues were conducting on their subgranular cores. The second, though, hadn’t been part of the plan. After he had to repeat his question to the Merge-Tech several times, he decided he should stay in the controlled environment of the lab. “I’m not sure what happened, sir. According to the diagnostic I just ran, your interface is functioning normally.” “What about my bFGF levels?” Daniel asked. “There was a slight decrease in the blood flow to your FTP grid, sir, but it probably only dropped your processing rate by a quarter of a terabyte or so.”
posted
* I think it would help if you gave me some inclination of what the Merge is. Being the first sentence, I don't need a long description, just a direction that I can point my imagination in. Just enough to know if it is a machine, an organism, a space ship, or a magic 8 ball.
* "Pronounced drawl." I never endorse writing out accent and dialect, but you might want to see if there is a way to show this. A way that works, of course.
* "The first..." and "The second..." I tend to stay away from lists like this. It can work. I've seen it done many times. I prefer to just say which one it is, so the reader can't get lost. That seems like more a matter of style, though. I just thought I'd mention it.
* "Interface...." I'm not sure what this is. Again, this is where a slight clue about the Merge might help. I can forgive jargon like bFGF levels and so forth since this seems to be an imaginary science (or one I don't know anything about.) With that, I get that they're running some kind of technical test, and it looks okay. With Interface, I'm not sure what they mean, though.
* "blood flow to your FTP grid...." FTP makes me think of File Transfer Protocol, a computer term. And blood flow with grid don't work so well together for me, personally. It just doesn't seem to visualize as well.
* "but it probably only dropped your processing rate by a quarter of a terabyte or so...." At this point, the confusion has grown. I'm close to giving up unless I see some sign that the author is going to give me solid details about the setting and the situation in the next paragraph or two.
There is a bit of characterization, but setting is low. I think it needs a bit more setting. The hook is that he seems to have a drawl and he doesn't know why. Thus, at this point, I'm expecting a story about finding out what is wrong with him--perhaps with a growing tension as the problems become worse. It's a mild hook, but it can work if everything else is tight.
posted
I get it, but I'd try something other than 'merge.' 'Merge' both gives too much away and is too obtuse, if that makes any sense.
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posted
It almost seems like you're trying to sound too technical here.
It does make you sound like you know what you're talking about as a writer, and of course your characters know what they're talking about... But the reader doesn't know what either you or your characters are talking about.
It turns your readers off when they don't know what the heck is being said. When you start a story, you want to make the reader ask questions, yes.
But they should be questions they can actually immerse themselves into, and things they really want to know the answer to. They don't want to have to ask,'What on Earth does bFGF mean??' and I'm sure no one is really going to say, 'hmm, I wonder what this Merge is, it must have to do with the FTP of GHI with the KTPUWXYZ, I'm gonna keep reading and find out what all that means!' (harsh?)
Point is, jargon like this does get overwhelming. You want to draw in the reader, not fry their brain. :P -Jay
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited November 28, 2007).]
posted
Good points to all. Here's a different take on the first 13. Hope this is more interesting. Sorry to those who hate "Merge." I'm going to keep it for a little bit...
Also, I know its a little thing, but I'm changing the title from "Stalking the Rhino" to "Stalking a Rhino." Weird, I know, but it makes sense in the long run...
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Dr. Daniel Aranzi withdrew from Merge with a massive headache and a pronounced stutter. He’d expected the headache. He and his colleagues were attempting to accelerate the data processing rates of their brains. In this case, data dumps actually hurt. The stutter, however, hadn’t been part of the plan. It seemed to take an hour to spit out his question to the Merge-Tech. “W…wh…what happened? Wh…what went wr…wr…wrong?” “I’m don’t know, sir. The diagnostics show your frontal and temporal lobe interfaces are functioning normally. This particular test was designed to hold your temporal interfaces static.” “D…did you… find a…a…anything?” Daniel asked. Speaking slowly helped, but only added to his frustration.
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited November 29, 2007).]
posted
I'm glad you got rid of 'drawl' and replaced it with 'stutter'. Makes it more clear.
quote:Dr. Daniel Aranzi withdrew from Merge with a massive headache and a pronounced stutter. He’d expected the headache. [He and his colleagues were attempting to accelerate the data processing rates of their brains. although the first thirteen is meant to hook us, it seems like you're trying to modify it to tell us what happens. This is kind of dropped like a bomb, way too fast and way too early.] In this case, data dumps actually hurt. The stutter, however, hadn’t been part of the plan. It seemed to take an hour to spit out his question to the Merge-Tech. “W…wh…what happened? [Wh…what went wr…wr…wrong?it seems like there's one too many "wr...", in the last dialogue as well. It makes it move slow, we get it that he's stuttering from one "wr...]” “I’m don’t know, sir. The diagnostics show your frontal and temporal lobe interfaces are functioning normally. This particular test was designed to hold your temporal interfaces static.” “D…did you… find a…a…anything?” Daniel asked. Speaking slowly helped, but only added to his frustration.
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