posted
Rrrrriiiiinnnnggggg! Alvin picked up the phone. “I don’t have time for-” he spoke in Japanese, thinking it was the owner nagging him again about the rent money. “Unklugeseele” A familiar voice spoke to Alvin. Alvin wondered who it was since everyone knew him as Charlton Kessler. He knew it could only be one person. "Petar is that you?" Alvin asked. “Get out of Hiroshima!” Petar spoke, his voice serious as if he were afraid. “What…what do you mean-” Unklugeseele asked. “No time to explain,You’re in serious danger. head towards the forest few miles southeast outside of the city. get going!"
This is only a segment of my short story. Takes place at the end of WWII where a lone SS soldier defects with several thousand dollars in gold he stole and heads to Japan where he thinks is safe. Consists of 6 to 7 chapters and around 15,540 words.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 11, 2008).]
posted
So . . . is his name Alvin, or Unklugeseele? (And is that latter supposed to be a human name, or are you involving ETs in this?)
General word of advice: Don't start out with sound effects. In fact, use them sparingly, to the point of non-existence.
quote:Alvin wondered who it was since everyone knew him as Charlton Kessler. He knew it could only be one person.
So . . . did he wonder? Or did he know?
A number of little things, such as: "Peter spoke, . . ." A bit redundant, since you give his words and describe his voice.
As an editor, these would probably have been enough to make me set this aside. But the basic story line was interesting enough that, despite all my complaints, as a reader I'd have read on a bit.
posted
I had similar issues. I wasn't sure at first that _was_ in fact his name. Maybe you could make it clear. Otherwise, the whole bit about "Charlton Kessler" threw me. Also, some of the descriptions felt a little weak, such as: "His voice serious as if he were afraid."
The setting and timing seem interesting. It sounds to me like an extra terrestrial that's in Hiroshima right before the bomb is going to hit.
The MC starts off the bat with three names (assuming he's Unklugeseele as well). Confusing.
I had a problem with this, as it seems contradictory...
quote: A familiar voice spoke to Alvin. Alvin wondered who it was
I read the first "Unklugeseele" as someone spouting gibberish. Didn't even try to parse it out into sound in my head, as I assumed that would be the last time I saw it. Tried again the second time, and failed. So as a reader, I'm going to stop every time I see it in your story (or else blip over it).
posted
Hard to show here, but I'm sure it's a little easier to follow if the German is in italics or something like that. I am not hooked. I think there's too much dialog at the beginning, but I will read. Send it!
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posted
So is Unklugeseele a real German name, or a word you created from the German for "foolish soul?" I confess I'm confused. Not knowing any German, I can't even begin to imagine how to pronounce it.
I'll have to echo the others on the phone sound effect, and the confusion of three names, though after reading it through a few times, and knowing the premise, I'm guessing that Alvin Unklugeseele is his real name, and Charlton Kessler is the alias he's under.
I like the idea of the story, and wouldn't mind reading the whole thing if you want to send it my way.
posted
When writing in a foreign language, you're supposed to italicize it. So it should read:
"Unklugeseele” A familiar voice spoke to Alvin.
I would suggest point out that this is a German name. This would be easy to do and still stay in the proper POV, because Alvin would notice that it was German. I had no clue that was a German name.
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