posted
I wrote this probably a little over a year ago for a Creative Writing class but procrastinated and didn't finish until the night before it was due. Due to the rush, it wasn't as polished as I wanted so I've edited it a little here and there over time but have just recently began going in line by line to make it perfect. I'm about half way through with editing it right now but wanted to go ahead and post it on here to see what you guys would think about it. I'm looking for any kind of advice or comments at all. Be as harsh as possible. I'll also be more than happy to send the full thing to anyone interested in reading it. ----
Joseph sat motionless on the floor in the center of the bare room, striving to match his own mind to the complete silence of the chamber. He could never do it though. He could never reach the perfect stillness inside himself which this one room, insulated from the clumsy thoughts of those within the base, possessed. No matter how long he tried, he was still one of them. His mind churned, subconsciously searching for something to occupy itself with. It disgusted him to be like the weak willed ones who had created him. Because he was like them, he could never tame the shifting patterns of his brain.
It had occurred to him long ago that for his flawed human brain to be completely silent, it would have to be dead. Many others had apparently come to the same conclusion and acted upon it.
posted
A meditating, human brained machine(?)with enemies...Hmmm.
I like the premise that emerges from your first 13. The hook is there, as is a sense of genre, but I felt that the prose in the first paragraph was a little weak or just not quite there.
posted
I don't know about being harsh, but I'll show you what I see.
My take:
quote: Joseph sat motionless on the floor in the center of [the<--[I would suggest "a" instead, because you are introducing the room as well.] bare room[.He] str[o]v[e] to match his [own<--Don't need this.] mind to the complete silence of the chamber. He could never do it [though<--Don't need this.:] He could never reach the perfect stillness [inside himself<--Don't need this.] which this one room, insulated from the clumsy thoughts of those within the base [What base?], possessed. No matter how long he tried, he was still one of them. [Deleted.] [It disgusted him to be like the weak willed ones who had created him. Because he was like them, he could never tame the shifting patterns of his brain.<--NICE!]
It had occurred to him long ago that for his flawed human brain to be [completely silent,<--[Choose one]-->it would have to be dead.] Many others had apparently come to the same conclusion and acted upon it.[Eh? though with the aforementioned trimming, you have room to complete this hook]
Cool character, however, I feel this is more of a character study. Other than him "seeking the void", what's going on? Is he debating on killing his brain? Did the others suffer psychotic breaks and plant a screwdriver through their temples? Are his creators coming for him...to make him telepathically change the world?
Hope this helps...
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited January 31, 2008).]
posted
Hi infernal, I'd be happy to read--send it along.
My thoughts:
I like this. Some of the writing was confusing. The opening paragraph hooked me, the second paragraph not so much--it feels like you're on the cusp of an info dump. I kind of wanted action of some kind by then--even if he just gets up out of the room, or has more thoughts on his current situation. I agree that the potential of what others had done is intriguing, but maybe it would be better presented in a direct, specific thought, rather than a general statement of something that happened to "others" at some unspecified time in the past.
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