Here is my take on your openingThe plate-glass window next to me exploded,
Should be a peroid here. A confusing way to start such a large piece.
a waterfall of glass and window pane falling all around.
If the window exploded, wouldn't the glass fly out? A waterfall suggest it poured down. The second half feels wrong. how about
and splinters of window pane fell all around
I put my arms up as great shards fell against my head and shoulders, splattering at my feet.
I suggest you put of glass after great shards and change fell to bounced
It took a moment, before I realized that the deafening boom I heard was not the window but the sound of
the shotgun from across the street.
This I liked
Every muscle in my body tightened with shock as if I were holding the wires of a light socket.
I don't like this analogy. The feeling of electrocution (I've felt it before) does not fit.
My first instinct was to shoot back, but I didn't own a gun, and they didn't teach rifle design in shop class.
What an odd reaction. Duck and cover is one that most people would have.
So with glass all over me, and more shots being fired, I took off at a dead run for the back of the house. After all, I was sure I heard mother calling
Okay, this makes him seem not so bright to me. This is how I would write this opening.
quote:
Hi,
My name is rexnipper. I am pleased to join this interesting critique site and can't wait until I get to read some of your work. I hope I will be able to help you. I also can't wait until some of you sample my own work. Hoping we can be friends
rexnipper